What can I do about Dad showing up if he feels like it?

[scootadja]

Hi, I am new here. I have three children 3,8, and 11. My ex husband an I divorced a year and a half ago. The court order states specific times for visitation. I understand that sometimes you have to make changes because things come up. The problem is I felt that my ex would want to be involved in his children's lives. He broke up our marriage and his girlfriend broke up hers to be together. She has four children to different guys. All those fathers have the children. She gets them when she calls and asks to(seldom) and only when my ex has our children. he continually calls and makes excuses as to why he has to pick them up late, bring them back early or not pick them up at all. He gave up his parenting time for Tuesdays overnight and every other Wednesday. He gets them every other weekend. He picks them up and drops them at his moms, brothers or friends who ever will take them. He tells me well I'm not picking them up tonight I Will come tomorrow without giving me a time. His girlfriend does not want my kids there. They live together and are both bad alcoholics and do cocaine. Neither have had any charges against them. He has drove with my kids drunk. I never thought he would become this person. I am worried for my children's safety. The have no beds sleep on the floor. There are beds there for her children and mine are not allowed to sleep in them. I have sent many clothes for them to keep there but dad cant find them? so the kids sleep in what I send them in. Many more issues. I want him to be part of there lives. I cant force him to do whats right. His mother girlfriend and him continually  bad mouth me to my children. any ideas on what to do?

[ShellyD]

The best thing for you is to document everything very well- when he comes, doesn't come, his excuses, what the kids took w/ them and what they brought home. I think Waylon has a parenting time tracker here that you can probably DL and use. Don't say anything to the kids or him about it though. Have a game plan. What are you trying to accomplish? Do you want to take him back to court? That will cost you alot of money and the judge will never MAKE him take the children. The court order is merely a "suggestion" to some parents.  I know it's heartbreaking to see him ignore his kids for whatever reason, but they are young and hopefully he'll get his head out of his tail before he totally alienates them. In the meantime, try NOT to be the alienator. Don't trash talk daddy to or in front of the kids. Try to facilitate phone calls between them and their father and  stay positive when he bails on his parenting time.

You've only been going through this for a few months. Many of us have dealt with issues like this for 15 or more years on both sides of the coin. Is he paying his support? How do the kids feel/act when he doesn't come as well as when they've been over at his house? Pay attention to the dynamics and document that also.

[scootadja]

I have been documenting everything. I am heart broken for my kids. I am not sure what to do. My plans are always ruined because I feel hostage to his BS. He has them basically 48 hours a month. He can't handle that. All him and his girlfriend do is party. Child support is garnished out of his check. He is always behind on daycare. I have to pay his share and wait till he pays me back. I would like to see the court put an end to the inconstancy with the visitation. He was suppose to pick the kids up at 8 tonight but said I will pick them up tomorrow. No time so I have to sit here and wait? He always brakes the court order. I am very scared for their safety.  I never trash him to the kids. But his mother girlfriend and him make fun of me and tell the kids lies about me. Thank You for your help Scootadja

[ShellyD]

I know it really sucks for you and the kids. What sucks even more is how many parents out there are fighting to see their kids for 48 hrs a month or less. My husband did for over 10 years. Despite his court order, he's only had contact with his 21 y/o daughter about  12 times since 1999. And none of those have been in the last 6 yrs.

Maybe you should send him a certified letter stating that he is not following the court order. Include a copy of the order in case he has misplaced it. Point out that he has XXX visitation and has repeatedly chosen not to exercise the parenting time. Explain that it is hurting his children's feelings and that it is not fair that you have to clean up the emotion mess that he makes every time he disses his own children. Then lay out some parameters. Maybe something to the effect that if he doesn't give you at least 24/48 hr notice that he does not intend to pick them up at the court-ordered time, then he automatically forfeits that time because you will not spend your time waiting around for him to decide if/when he's going to make time for his children.

It may not help, but may make him realize that you're keeping track. I wouldn't wait around all weekend wondering if he's coming. Let him know you'll give him 1 hour (or whatever) leeway and then he will have to wait until his next court-ordered time.

[Fatherforever]

Stick to the visitation schedule!

Don't let him create his own to see them whenever HE wants to. The plan is setup in the best interests of the children, NOT the parents. If he can't stick to a schedule then that is his problem, you don't need to change around your plans or bend over backwards for him to see his children. He will take them for his time if he truly wants to see them. Don't facilitate his needs. Keep documenting everything, even down to the moods of the children when they return from being with their father. When he doesn't pick them up for his time, it's just another mark against him when it comes to court, judges HATE when parents are late for pickups or refuse their children.

The situation with my ex wife is very similiar, I have custody and she sees them every wednesday overnight and every other weekend. She refuses to take them half the time and wants to change the schedule, but I stick to the parenting plan. If the day comes when she wants to petition the court to modify the plan, I will have ample evidence of her refusals etc. I just know that there will come a day in the future (they are too young now, 3 and 5 years old) when they will really understand what is going on. They will see the one parent as being a constant in their lives, and the other a flake, to put it bluntly. I know the situation is not ideal, nor one you would want to see your children go through, but be there for them, be that constant love and support in their lives, that is the most you can do.

~Fatherforever

[scootadja]

Thank You all, I tried talking to him today. The bottom line is his girlfriend and him both are bad alcoholics and do cocaine. If the to take the kids my eleven year old is left in the house to watch all the kids. They turned  the garage into a bar and go out there to party telling my eleven year old no children are allowed to come out there. When the kids come home they are hungry and exhausted. They can barely stand up. They tell me how they make fun of my three year old. The girlfriend takes my daughters cell phone so she cant call me.They say terrible things to my kids about me that I am a F###ing Bit#h. At my home my kids eat regular meals and go to bed at a decent hour. She willingly gave all her kids up to lay drunk and party. I can only think he wants the same now. He doesn't care if the kids get hurt only if they get to drink and do drugs. Her son smokes pot in the house. the fathers of the other children are very worried also. They just past a law in NY state that it is a felony to drink and drive with kids in the car. I am taking him back to court to have it legal about him giving up the Tuesdays and Wednesday's. I give him a calender every month showing all the kids activity's and his visitation, so he knows. He doesn't even go to parent teacher conferences or any games.  The kids call him but he won't take their calls. Everyone tells me I have to get my kids out of there. I keep asking my self which is the lesser of two evils a father drunk and high in front of them or no father? I am very depressed for my children. I want to what is right for them. The girlfriend yells at them all the time. Any ideas on how to handle this? I feel so bad for all the father's who want to be part of there children's life and the mother stops them. Any idea's what I can do legally  about any of this? Thank You All, Scootadja

[ShellyD]

If you already have plans to go back to court, request the father be drug tested. Are you sure neither dad or gf have no alcohol/drug arrests? Have your kids witnessed the drug use in the house? Also consider requesting a guardian ad litum from the judge to investigate the households for the children's safety. If you can swing the drug testing, ask for supervised visits without the GF being present until he can show some responsibilty and test negative.

You really have to show some extreme circumstances to get some of those things in most courts, but asking for them may scare the Father enough. 

[Kitty C.]

If you are in contact with any of the other fathers, any of you at any time can call law enforcement and ask for a 'welfare check'.  They will go to the home and if the BF and GF are doing anything illegal, they will be arrested and the kids taken out of there.  Get online to your state's court records and run their names for any priors.  But if the fathers of the other kids are just as concerned, join forces with them to protect those kids.

If they have a land line, make sure your kids know how and when to call 911.  If they don't have a land line, tell the kids to go to a neighbor's house and ask them to call.