Advice Anyone??

[onceag8r]

I'm not sure where to begin really but rather than bore you with unnecessary details I'll attempt to get straight to the heart of the matter.  My husband has a 7 year old daughter who resides with her mother (husband was never married to child's mother) in Texas.  Ever since the child was born my husband has provided ALL financial support for the child's needs, wants, or otherwise and at one point supported the child's mother also. 

My husband currently lives out of the country and at some point the mother asked him to care for the child while she "got herself together" and allowed the child to attend school out of the country.  When she became aware that I was in the picture she decided that she no longer wanted the child to be with my husband and has consequently had custody of the child since then (approx. June 2008). 

There are issues regarding this woman's responsibility, stability, and overall desire to do what's best for the child.  In the past the mother has been given money to pay for the child's extra-curricular activities or vacations but decided to do otherwise with the money.  She has been dishonest about the school the child attends and had my husband sending her money for the child's tuition when the whole time she was attending public school.  There's also the issue that the mother is an excessive party-goer. 

When she picks the child up from school on a Friday evening, rather than take the child home to spend the weekend with her, her routine is to drop the child off with a family member or friend so that she can go out.  Now, this isn't every other weekend or on occasion only, this is EVERY weekend, unless she's sick.  In the past 3 years she has moved at least 6 times and the child has attended at least 3 different schools.  She's also changed jobs several times within the last 3 years as well. 

When my husband refuses to do exactly as she wishes she won't answer his calls or allow him or his family to spend time with the child.  Just last week she actually said that she wouldn't allow him to see the child if he didn't give her the money she wanted.  He went to see an attorney who said that he stands a fair chance of gaining custody but Texas is a state that usually sides with the mother and that he may have to hire a private investigator. 

There are so many more issues to add to this equation but I'm looking for help and advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation or who may be able to shed some light on what steps we should take at this point.  My husband is extremely busy but I too think the child would be better off with us and I want to do the leg work necessary to exhaust all resources. 

[ocean]

Does he have anything with the courts ever? If yes, what does the LAST set of paperwork say about custody and visitation? We can help after we get these answers....The moving around is a good grounds for a custody change.

In the meantime, send money directly to the school/activity. Tell mother you are willing to pay but directly to the place. This stops her from getting the money and spending it on something else. Call these places every so often and make sure child is still going. If child is going to a public school he has many rights he can use without mothers permission. He CAN get report cards, talk to teachers, go to school and events, get copies of everything in her file. See if the current school will give you copies of past report cards (they should have ALL report cards from past schools too..they get forwarded with child). This will be the proof of how many moves she made.

[onceag8r]

Unfortunately there has never been a legal custody order/agreement.  As for sending money directly to the school, he just recently started doing that.  The child was attending a private school before the Christmas break and in casual conversation with the child it was uncovered that she didn't attend the school we were initially informed of.  In addition to that, when the mother was questioned about the school (after many "stories) she finally admitted that the child had been removed from the private school and would be attending a public school.  Therefore, she switched the child's school, in the middle of the school year without ever consulting my husband.  Thanks for the advice about contacting the school to obtain report cards...we'll definitely be doing that on Monday morning. 

[ocean]

Is he on the birth certificate? This will get him the school records.
Courts, different story. First gather proof that you had custody for a while. School records, dr appointments, activities. See if you can get email communication with the mother about some of the issues. (Changing schools...living arrangements..).
You may have to start with proving paternity with the courts since he was never married to her and no legal paperwork yet. At the same time he can file for joint custody. He can put a line in that states child will not be removed from the home school district or 30 miles from current address. This will force mother to stay in one area. You can try for custody but need to prove neglect...can be educational if she is missing school and changing homes so frequently. If you live close enough, you can ask for split custody where child is with you half the time. A parenting plan will be set up and she will be forced to obey the courts orders. Child support will be awarded and then she cant ask for you to pay more unless YOU want to. Usually parents split the costs of healthcare, childcare, activities or prorated as to the parents salaries. Whatever money you gave her will probably be considered a gift so if you start court proceedings be careful what you give her as you may have to pay her again through the courts....
The courts will not give YOU rights so it will be your husbands rights and when he is home from work. She can use that against him and he may only get visits when he is home and that is it. He can ask that she still come for visits even when he is away so child can form meanful relationships with his side of the family even if he is away.

[onceag8r]

Yes, he is on the birth certificate.  Obtaining the school records, health records, etc. from when he had custody of the child won't be a problem either.  You mentioned proving neglect, do you think it would carry sufficient weight if we were able to prove there's recreational drug use such as marijuana or ecstasy?  As for proving the mother has moved residence so often, any suggestions on how to obtain that information since I suspect she's been using her mother's address as the address of record for the child's school?  Also, he's provided child care for the child since birth and the cost has never been shared, would that be considered a gift as well?  The money he's provided has never been cash and often either a bank to bank transfer or check (which states the purpose of the money), could that still be deemed as a gift?

[ocean]

Going to be hard to prove drug use too but you can ask for drug tests on both parties...
Any police reports to their house? Any arrests?
If child changed schools then she must have used her address right?
Yes, even if you give her a check and put child support it can be considered a gift. Better to get it though the state. Hold off paying money directly to her, put in account and file. They will back date it to the court date...(some people have had to deal with the courts going back further and have major arrears...). Once the courts take over she demand more money. Does she have a job? She should be paying a percentage of the daycare costs...and it should only be when she works that you have to pay your share. You should also be able to claim those daycare costs on your taxes.