Do I even Stand a chance?

[damiang]

I'm new to all this so here I go.

I am 25 years old in live in California.
I am a non custodial father to a 4 1/2 year old boy and was wondering if I stood a chance in gaining joint (or sole would be good too) legal and physical custody of my son.
I currently live in a 3 bedroom house with my girlfriend and our 6 month old baby boy. I have brought up the topic of joint custody to my son's mother but does not want to grant it. She never gives me a good reason for why she doesn't want to give it to me.
I would like my son to spend more time with me and his baby brother.
I feel like the current order is not fair and unstable for my son.
I currently have him tues and thurs from 4pm-8pm and 3 weekends out of the months. But this schedule is consistently changing because his mother always has something to do. I end up having to watch him on weds and on weekends she's suppose to have him, I don't mind spending the extra time with him but I think its unfair for him to be tossed back in forth between us just because she has something as unimportant as taking her friend to the store. I Truly feel the only reason she does not want to give me custody is because she thinks she will not get child support.
Also every time I pick up or drop off my son at his mothers house she is almost never home (She still lives with her parents, so I leave my son with them).
Also my son's doesn't eat well or sleep well when he is with his mother. Every time I pick him up all he has ate has been some cereal or hasn't ate at all. He goes to bed at 8pm when he sleeps over my house, when at his mothers he goes to bed past 10pm (even on school nights). I have tried to speak with her about my concerns but nothing has changed.
My son has his own room and bed at my house, at his mothers he sleeps in her bed. These are all reason why I feel like it will benefit my son to come live with me or at least spend more stable time with me and my family.

[ocean]

Truth, to get custody you would need to prove serious neglect with child services involved. It takes years in court to get custody from another parent.
You can get some of the issues addressed. The major ones is the sleeping arrangements. Does child have a bed at mom's but she is sleeping with mom? She at least needs her own bed (usually the law in most states).

Start documenting when you have child and the extra time she is sending him to you. She is not allowed to change your schedule so you should be always getting your court ordered time. Once in a while, sure if she needs to switch but the schedule you have is very normal for a "father". Once child starts school, watch attendance and grades and make sure he is getting to school. Document everything. Has child been to dr? Does dr seem worried about child's weight? Kids are very picky and they will eat when they get hungry.

Instead of trying to get her to say joint physical custody, maybe offer it differently. Like:
This summer, can we do one week on, one week off until he starts school?
Can we do Fri- Tues one week then XX the off week (not sure what would work) and offer to keep child support the SAME...(for now)...

You need to prove you have him more time for a long period of time (6 months or longer).

Bedtime and choice of foods...family court does not care about...it is a parenting issue that you both do not agree, not a law issue.

[MixedBag]

In California, time is calculated into the CS amount that's determined.  Go find an on-line child support calculator to double check.

JOINT custody of the child does NOT mean 50/50 TIME with the child.

Those are two separate subject really. 

Actually, I think having 3 weekends a month court ordered is "more" time than most parents get which is EOW.

Actually, having 2 evenings a week is more than a what is normal which is one week night.

Are holidays shared?

Is there any extended time over the summer and other longer school breaks?

I'm NOT saying that you shouldn't document when you have time and when you don't -- that's something you should be doing anyways if the other parent keeps "changing the schedule" in order to make sure YOUR CHILD's rights are being upheld.

[gemini3]

I don't think that you have enough to get custody changed.  First you have to prove a material change in circumstance - and I don't see one from what you have described.  Unfortunately, being able to provide a more stable environment is not enough in the eyes of the court.

Like another poster suggested - start documenting all of the time you have with your son.  Keep a journal and note dates and times you have him for your court ordered parenting time, and additional time that you have him.  Note any times that you pick him up or drop him off at school, any times you take him to the doctor or the dentists, etc.  Make notes on his condition during custody exchanges - like whether or not he's eaten, etc.

A lot of this is just planning your moves strategically.  You don't have enough now, but there will be a change in circumstances in the future.  When there is, you will have all of your ducks in a row and be able to maximize that leverage in court.  You will be able to show that you have been the custodial parent and the primary caregiver.

[damiang]

Thanks for your help.
I forgot to mention somethings.
My son doesn't have a bed to sleep in at her house.
I have been keeping a log book of the nights he sleeps over and the times his mother has not been home but I have not been documenting his condition when I pick him up but I will start.
Also, My son's mother has been out of work now for 5 months and has been receiving welfare for my son and herself. Shes in the process of garnishing my wages. My court order shows that I only have him 30% of the time but I know and she knows that I spend more time with him then that, so I would like for my order to reflect that. I feel as my ex is just being controlling because anytime I ask to have my son for a special occasion such as my birthday she won't permit it, but if she has something to do on the day she's suppose to have him, I have to watch him. Again I don't mind the extra time but its begining to interfer with my daily life such as time with my younger son and wife. We can never make plans because BM is always changing the schedual. So one day I'll expect to have him so I make plans then at the last mintue BM changes her mind. I think thats unfair becuase my son was already expecting to be with me and my family.
Oh one more important thing, I took my son to the doctors(only because she couldn't last mintue otherwise she would have never permitted it)and they told me my son is more than 20 pounds under weight. I inform BM and all she said was okay. It has been more than a year since that visit and my son is stilling eating the same way when with her.
I think my son is getting very tired of going back and forth, everytime its time to drop him of at his mother he says the same thing, " oh no not again, why do I gotta go back I just came from there". Its clear to me that my son is sick of it. His behavior towards me, his little brother and stepmom is very bad anytime we pick him up. I'll ask him how he's day was and he'll say that mommy said it was a secret.

Truth, to get custody you would need to prove serious neglect with child services involved. It takes years in court to get custody from another parent.
You can get some of the issues addressed. The major ones is the sleeping arrangements. Does child have a bed at mom's but she is sleeping with mom? She at least needs her own bed (usually the law in most states).

Start documenting when you have child and the extra time she is sending him to you. She is not allowed to change your schedule so you should be always getting your court ordered time. Once in a while, sure if she needs to switch but the schedule you have is very normal for a "father". Once child starts school, watch attendance and grades and make sure he is getting to school. Document everything. Has child been to dr? Does dr seem worried about child's weight? Kids are very picky and they will eat when they get hungry.

Instead of trying to get her to say joint physical custody, maybe offer it differently. Like:
This summer, can we do one week on, one week off until he starts school?
Can we do Fri- Tues one week then XX the off week (not sure what would work) and offer to keep child support the SAME...(for now)...

You need to prove you have him more time for a long period of time (6 months or longer).

Bedtime and choice of foods...family court does not care about...it is a parenting issue that you both do not agree, not a law issue.

[tigger]

"Mommy said it was a secret"  BIG RED FLAG.  Try to get court ordered counseling for the child.  Children should not be keeping secrets for their parents for ANY reason. 

[ocean]

If you want it to stop then you have to play hard ball which means telling her that you will  be picking up child for all court ordered time. Then if she says/call saying no, text her back, I will be at the court ordered time/place today at 4pm. Then GO. Take police if you think you need it. If she will not let child out, then call police and have them write it up (in very few areas will the police get involved and make child go but you can get police report saying you were there and child is not).

You can go back to court and ask for First Right of Refusal which says if she is not available you will be allowed to watch child. So if she is not home, you keep him.

Bed - issue... If you are going to court, get the counseling and have counselor deal with this issue. Check the laws, call child protective services and just ASK questions about what the rules are by you. Then send her a certified letter that states child does not have a bed of their own and that you are paid in full for child support and child needs a bed (and quote law).

Doctor- Make an appointment again with dr on your time. Bring child to same dr, get him weighted and full exam and see what they say. Have dr write up findings or recommendations. You have child almost half the month for dinners so make the healthy. Once child goes to school next year, you can sign child up for breakfast and lunch at school.

Do you have joint legal custody now? What does it say in your current papers? If you do, then you can do the dr appt and even start therapy on your time.