Custody in Florida

[MadMage]

Hello all,

New member looking for information and resources concerning custody lawsuits and fathers' rights. Something of a shot in the dark, but so is my custody case, so I figure I've got nothing to lose, right?

Name's Mike. I'm a 25 year old father of a 15 month old girl in Florida. She lives with her mother, Mel, in her grandmother's house in another city roughly 2.5 hours away, a residence I lived in for a year during and about three months after the pregnancy until I was forced to leave following an altercation with my ex's mother. When we got pregnant, I was working as a military contractor making roughly 40k/year and had shared an apartment with Mel until I was laid off in (I believe) May of 2008. At that time, Mel's wishes were to move back in with her mother, and I agreed... and resided there for a year under very daunting conditions primarily for my child's benefit. After moving out, I went to stay with my mother who has provided me a place to stay while I attempt to advance my career. I am now working part time and attending college classes after having obtained a pell grant. I grew up without my father, and have not seen him for 15 years now... and am only now beginning to understand his side of the story. I know that I missed something growing up and do not wish this for my daughter.

Shortly after having moved out, I realized I had been sued for child support months prior and my address listed as my mother's... apparently Mel had obtained state assistance by lying about our relationship status and the automatic reaction of the state is to mitigate the cost by obtaining a support order. It was at this time that I realize relationship had no hope of repair and filed for joint shared custody of my daughter. I have crawled my way through legal documents for a year on my own, being unable to afford an attorney and having been turned down by legal assistance three times based on my unemployment benefits putting me outside of their 'earnings threshold'; I have searched high and low for assistance and found none even willing to speak to me. A best case scenario would be to find a lawyer willing to assist me pro-bono, or with some form of payment plan. But anything would be greatly appreciated.

As for the case, I am attempting to resolve some issues I have with the current situation, and my case hinges on the following:
-Both Mel and her mother smoke heavily in the house, which is filthy and far too small for the [currently] five people I am aware of who live there.
-Mel has a history of promiscuity and drug use, although none of it documented. I have made it known that I wish for my daughter's contact with her significant other (and mine, as a concession) to be limited severely. Basically, I do not wish for my daughter to be aware of our relationships.
-My entire family and I are completely unwelcome [and uncomfortable, being non-smokers] in the home where my daughter resides. In a year since she was 3 months, we have seen her only once each. Though Mel does make the 'appearance' of willingness to visit, the criteria and often the dates seem engineered to be unacceptable - for example, proposing times and dates when she knows I am busy (at school, working...) or asking for excessive notice (3-4 weeks) for a few hours' visit in a very public place, giving me no time or comfort to bond with my daughter.
-As for myself, my mother moves about once a year. Various reasons, my father was military so we were accustomed to this lifestyle. I fear it may be used against me, however. As I am unable to support myself as of yet (65% of every check goes to child support), I am dependent upon my mother's residence.

I am asking for Mel to improve her living situation or relinquish primary custody to me, as I fear for my daughter's well-being in her current environment. Once these issues are settled, joint custody is my preference, as I would not deny my child one of her parents. How this would work is beyond me... I am not a great planner, and tend to do things 'as I think of them', though a solid schedule is something I could manage... but I have no idea how one would look. Weekends? Alternating weeks? My daughter is too young to worry about school or many other more complicated concerns as of yet.

In any event... commentary would be appreciated. Thank you.

[tigger]

Look at the sample parenting plans on here.  As for your comment regarding "she's too young to worry about school and complicated matters" . . . um, worry about them now because going back to have something changed is expensive and difficult to do.  Take all things into consideration . . . possible future spouses, school, possible moves . . . etc.

[ocean]

Do you have any custody or visitation schedule by the courts now?

[gemini3]

A best case scenario would be to find a lawyer willing to assist me pro-bono, or with some form of payment plan. But anything would be greatly appreciated.

You're not going to find that here.  Or anywhere, most likely.  No one here is handing out free legal advice.  We're all just people who have been "in the trenches" for varying amounts of time, and offer our perspective based on our experience.

As for the case, I am attempting to resolve some issues I have with the current situation, and my case hinges on the following:
-Both Mel and her mother smoke heavily in the house, which is filthy and far too small for the [currently] five people I am aware of who live there.
-Mel has a history of promiscuity and drug use, although none of it documented. I have made it known that I wish for my daughter's contact with her significant other (and mine, as a concession) to be limited severely. Basically, I do not wish for my daughter to be aware of our relationships.
-My entire family and I are completely unwelcome [and uncomfortable, being non-smokers] in the home where my daughter resides. In a year since she was 3 months, we have seen her only once each. Though Mel does make the 'appearance' of willingness to visit, the criteria and often the dates seem engineered to be unacceptable - for example, proposing times and dates when she knows I am busy (at school, working...) or asking for excessive notice (3-4 weeks) for a few hours' visit in a very public place, giving me no time or comfort to bond with my daughter.
-As for myself, my mother moves about once a year. Various reasons, my father was military so we were accustomed to this lifestyle. I fear it may be used against me, however. As I am unable to support myself as of yet (65% of every check goes to child support), I am dependent upon my mother's residence.

Here are the things that the court won't care about:  your ex's promiscuity, unless the child is being directly affected by it; whether or not BM or her family smoke (at least in my experience); the size of the house/apartment BM lives in; undocumented drug use; relationships each person has (especially if you were never married); whether or not you're allowed in the ex's home.

Things they will care about:  who the child has been living with up to this point, if there is a history of custodial interference; if there is any history of abuse. 

Your best bet is to ask for joint legal and physical custody now.  Get a very specific parenting plan in place that covers dates, times, school, medical, phone contact, moves, etc.  There are some very good sample plans on this site.  If you're not already documenting your contact with your daughter, start doing so.  Including the times you have asked for visitation and been denied, along with the reasons for the denial.

[MadMage]

Heh, sorry... used to gaming forums, where hyperbole is expected. The 'best case scenario' was pretty much me saying that it would be nice, but I am aware it isn't happening. Advise is pretty much all I've got to work with.

I would, however, like to ask... how crippled am I to be working without a lawyer?

As for visitations, for the first six months I would ask via email repeatedly or visits, even going so far as to have some family friends who live halfway between the two of us offer to let us meet at her house. This was refused, Mel felt she would be uncomfortable there. The friend then offered to have us meet at her church, the pastor at which was more than willing to supervise the visit. After having been told that she wanted 'more notice' or that she was unable to get certain days off regardless of notice for so long, I have stopped arguing with her about her being evasive... I'm simply feeling drained from the attempts and stopped talking to her directly. As it is, with a 3-4 weeks' notice and a rule for meeting in her city in public places, I am stuck with very specific days and times, can only see my daughter once a month at best and can never have a 'proper' visitation where I take my daughter into my custody for a set amount of time - I can barely pick her up without Mel and her sister (who, unless I miss my guess, is more a mother than Mel is) crawling up my back. It's just no way to see my daughter... I went form being the only one who could get her to sleep (her first three months I was the primary caregiver; her mother changed maybe three diapers) to her only barely recognizing me. Though I can restart the attempts, if that is what the courts will care about.

I had hoped the court would care about the smoking, as I am a strong opponent of smoking at all, never having liked it or people who were rude enough to force it on others. I feel it proves a selfishness, a disregard of my daughter's well-being over Mel's personal needs. It's actually what caused the argument that got me kicked out; Mel's mother thought that it was appropriate to hold my daughter while she was smoking: I tried to take her to another room for the time being to limit her contact with the smoke and Mel's mother went ballistic, screaming and yelling... when I tried to walk away she followed, and then started throwing my belongings outside while I was still holding my daughter. It was at this time that I left, although I did call the police to ask them if I was allowed to take my daughter with me - and was told that would be kidnapping. My daughter now gets very upset if anyone yells or 'gets rough' around her, probably as a result of this event.

[gemini3]

Just a suggestion - if you're looking to get advice on a situation, I would stay away from hyperbole.  It tends to confuse the issue and make it much harder for people to give advice, since no one knows what's the real issue and what's an exaggeration.  I also don't recommend using real names (your's or your ex's) on this board.

Honestly... going pro bono puts you at a real disadvantage if she has a lawyer.  If she doesn't, the playing field is a little more level.  A good lawyer understands the in's and out's of the family court system, and knows what things resonate with your judge.  If you're going to go pro bono, plan to do a LOT of reading.  Your state statutes, books you can get on the subject, articles on this site an others.  If you do your homework, you can make a decent go of it on your own.

I would recommend that you continue to request visitation with your daughter.  Send a requst to her stating that you would like to see your daughter, give three dates and times that work for you, and ask her to pick one that works for her.  Ask her to please suggest a different day/time if none of them work.  Keep it simple.  Don't engage in accusations, arguing, etc.  Use bullet points.  (I'll put an example on the bottom.) 

Every state has what are called the "Best Interest of the Child" statutes.  Look yours up.  That's what the court will look at when they consider custody.

To be honest - it's unlikely they will give you custody.  They don't like to uproot children unless things are really, really bad.  Your best bet is to get a clear and concise visitation plan in place that will allow you to see your daughter at regular intervals, and make it difficult for your ex to engage in custodial interference.  The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Example request:

Step 1:  Send an e-mail that says the following:

Dear Ex,

I would like to spend time with (daughter).  Is she available any of the following days/times?

Option 1
Option 2
Option 3

If not, would you please suggest another day and time, this week, that I can see her?

Thank you,

Your name

Step 2:  If she does not respond, wait until the end of the week and send another request for the following week.  Keep doing this every week until you get a temporary order.

Step 3:  If she responds and says that she's not available, send a reply asking for a day and time that she is available. 

Step 4:  If she responds with nastiness, ignore.  Print out the e-mail (use the "show origina" function so that her response includes an IP address, etc) and file it with your journal.  Then return to step 2 with a new e-mail.

[ocean]

You can start the process yourself. Go to the family court that is dealing with the child support, and file for custody and temporary visitation papers (2 different usually). Fill the out. You want JOINT LEGAL custody with visitation. This gives you a joint say in medical and educational decisions.

The courts will make a parenting plan. Look in the Fla guidelines for what they usual give. Type up what you want and post here and we will see if you missed anything. Once this plan in approved it will be there until child is 18 so what happens at school age? summers? vacations? holidays? birthdays? YOu should start with a step-up plan until she is staying with you every other weekend (or 3 weekends a month some fathers get) plus one or two nights a week but you may live too far for that so....until school age you can add to your weekend? Depending on your work/school schedule.

You can add a line to your plan that states "child will not be subjected to second hand smoke at either house or inside car"  It will be hard to prove later on but if it is in there she may at least try.

You will not be able to take her away from her mother unless the state comes in for neglect/abuse. Courts are very mother friendly especially when child is that young and you have not had visits yet. Start out with temporary visitaion, build up to regular visitation and collect evidence along the way. If child comes to you sick from smoke, take to dr and documnet. Document everything, every attempt to visit. Be care how often you call now, she may try the harassemnt card.

Ask for her dr's name in a converstation. Then send them the letter from this site with her full medical record. See if there is any issues in her medical paperwork or if smoking was brought up to the mother in her medical file.

Once you send in the paperwork, you will have to have her served with the papers. Some states the sheriffs does that, mine, we do  it with someone over 18 or a service company. Find out your laws. Then you will meet in court. You can try and have a lawyer JUST for court if one is willing to do that and not for all the phone calls stuff. BUT it usually takes a few trips to the court house before things are settled espcially if you do not agree.

[MadMage]

My name actually is Mike, though I'm not worried about anyone knowing that; there are plenty of 'Mikes' around. Her name I kept hidden and used a fake name, out of respect for her right to privacy.

I actually have started and worked through the custody case as much as I am able to thus far. I asked for joint shared custody with provisions for a 'safe, alcohol and smoke free environment'. It's really something I feel strongly about, and have researched and have many studies on the poor effects of smoking on children at various stages in development. I have various witnesses who have either seen her home or my daughter and will testify as to the overpowering stench of cigarettes on her and the sorry state of the home, as well as her insistence on smoking heavily during her pregnancy despite my and her doctors' protests. My intent is not primary custody, but appropriate access to both families for my daughter in the most appropriate living environment, which I feel is currently my home - though I am more than willing to change my mind if she demonstrates an ability to improve her living environments.

As for the case, I have done what I can figure out to do to get in front of a judge; at this point we are at the 'court ordered mediation' stage. Her lawyer did not show up to our last meeting, though... I believe his tactic is to stall the case. I don't know what is expected of me at a mediation, however.

I have emailed her asking for a visitation, though our schedules allow little room for 'holes' which coincide. I do, however, know that she is available on the day I requested, though I am certain she will refuse and give the reason as not enough notice. As I said, she wants 3-4 weeks' notice.

[SuperDad52]

Well Mike, I also live in FL (Tampa) and I started out doing everything myself.  I was doing a good job, learning a lot and it all looked very professional.  But at some point I recommend you get yourself an attorney.  That's what I did but here is the problem, i spent less than 5K for my attorney and my ex. spent approx 45-50K on her attorney and the child psychologist she hired and I got screwed.  I may as well not of had an attorney because she was worth what I paid for her, BUT, that was all I could afford.  I also learned something about florida family law, fathers have rights, the right to shut up in court and take ah beaten then go home an like it. Fathers have no right is florida at least not broke ones no matter how good of a dad u are if you live middle class life style ur screwed.

Sincerely,
SuperDad