Old Member back for an update

[Ref]

I don't know if any of you remember me, buy I posted on here all the time between 2001 and 2008.

Just a brief summary:
DH was dealing with long distance relationship with SD. Typical PAS stuff. Mom lied about everything related to dad. Sd believed it all. I wont go in to the details because its mostly typical and terrible stuff you guys have dealt with. Dh followed the high road rules and never bad mouthed PBFH infront of SD.

Now SD is 20. It has been blissfully quiet on the PBFH front since she graduated high school. We since had a baby (Amelia) who is 17 months.

SD has turned into a manipulative SOB just like her mom. She threatens not to come visit if he doesn't send money. She lives with her mom now and goes to junior college. They both just lost their jobs. DH pays car and health insurance. Bought her a laptop and a car. Anyway, drama continues and it isn't looking good for DH and SD's relationship.

My biggest concern right now is my dd. I don't want her involved in any of this poison. None of it.

I just wanted to drop a line and let you guys know, and some of you newbies, that the decision you make to take the high road should be for your conscience to rest, not to expect a great outcome in the end. Although the fat lady hasn't sung, I honestly couldn't tell you that we did the right thing relative to DH and SD's relationship. The only thing I know is that we did the right thing for our conscience.

[MixedBag]

I remember....congrats on the baby!

[tigger]

She's only 20.  My son (22) was PASed by his stepmother and he's just now seeing the truth and realizing the damage that was done.  I'd give it until she's 25 (she might be slow to mature and wise up) before giving up.  I took the high road (though when I asked, I give totally honest answers) and he came back.

[Kitty C.]

And be prepared for it to never happen, as well.  A close friend has a dau. from his first and only marriage.  He paid his CS faithfully until she became of age and has tried throughout the years to try to reach out to her, to no avail.

Two circumstances also feed this:  he is a disabled vet who is considered legally blind, tho he has extremely limited pin-point vision (but that is deteriorating now, as well) and he harbors a tremendous amount of animosity not only towards his ex, but his dau. for the lack of contact.  His reasoning is that now that she is an adult, she should just automatically understand the dynamics between her parents and how his ex turned her away from him.  I have tried frequently to help him to understand the effects of PAS, but he either cannot fathom the concept or refuses to comprehend it.

This all blew up again a couple years ago when he found out (well after the fact) that he became a grandfather.  That's when he told me the whole story and how his dau. supposedly refused to let him walk her down the aisle because 'she didn't want to be accompanied by a blind man', let alone invite him to her wedding.  It's fairly obvious that the girl's mind was poisoned by his ex, but he still thinks that now that she's an adult, she 'should know better'.  He is now resigned to the possibility that he may never connect with his dau. and never have a relationship with his grandson.

Regardless of his attitude about the situation, it's obvious to me that a tremendous amount of PAS is/was inflicted on the poor girl...and for that, I truly feel sorry for her.  But it also can illustrate just how deep and long PAS can run.....

[nikilax]

wow, lots of familiar names even though I didn't post much.

SS moved with BM to TX 14 months ago and SD moved in with us 19 months ago.  SD has now decided to move to TX.

Congrats on the LO.  We have an 18mo son, and I'd much rather let SD go then have her being here affect LO.

[lucky]

I wouldn't expect anything to change.  My osd is actually getting worse - she won't come here or allow her son to come here even though he begs to go see Grampa.  She says it's because I'm so physically and emotionally abusive. 

She is "remembering" everything that her mother made up about me and tried to get me arrested for and is also "remembering" other stuff that I did to her and her brother & sister.

The whole thing is weird because she'd actually been ok for about three years but in the last year (she moved into the same trailer park as her mother) she's deteriorating at a very rapid rate.

DH called her a week ago and told her to grow up and knock of the crap about me and now she won't talk to him either.

[gemini3]

ref, I remember you to.  Congrats on the new baby!

I agree with other posters that she's only 20, and still has a while to go until maturity.  Kids with crazy parents, and who have dealt with PAS take a long time to get it together.  Longer than most.  I dealt with this, and between 15-23 I was a holy terror.  But I turned out pretty good in the long run.  (If I do say so myself, lol). 

So don't give up hope!  I know it seems like you just finished a marathon and don't want to deal with it anymore, but hang in there.  Keep modeling great parenting, and keep the door open while maintaining firm boundaries.  She might come around yet.  If she doesn't, then just move on.  Let your husband deal with her, and with all the drama that comes from it.

[msme]

Wow! must be old home week. All us "Old Timers" turning up. Good to see you Gemini. Sorry things are not better. Congratz on the LO. We are still living in the shadow of the pbfl. We just went through a mess with the 2 oldest graduating. Things are not quite as bad since the kids got older & we moved 700 miles away.

My fiance is dealing with PAS, big time. He didn't divorce until after the kids were grown but she turned them away from him big time. The youngest has finally made peace with him but the other 2 outright hate him. He has even made peace with his ex & she has admitted her failings & her part in turning them against him. The other 2 have turned on them & stated that if their mother & brother continue to have a relationship with him, they will not have anything to do with them.

The effects of PAS can be strange & far reaching. I think there should be a law against it, with heavy punishment.

[Ref]

Thanks for the congrats! My little girl is so amazing. We are really lucky.

I have to add some more to the story. DH's cousin ,who he was raised with as a brother, is the biggest a**hole. I'm so pissed and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, so you guys get to hear the vent (sorry)

Russ, DH's cousin, is a loser. He is gay (not the loser part) and lives off of the men he dates and his very ill mother (the loser part). He hasn't had a job since the 90's. He sits around on the internet all day. He's an a**hole and never liked me. He always liked DH's ex because she was a tough b*tch and he likes sassy women. I am much less emotional (crazy) and he finds that boring. He created drama at our wedding by wanting to bring 2 boyfriends instead of the usual "and guest" and again caused issues with DH's 40th birthday party.  He told Sd that he sides with PBFH at our wedding.

He is a lot like PBFH. He expects the world to hand him everything.

Anyway, SD defriended everyone in DH and my family after DH refused to send her money after she caused him to lose $500 on a plane ticket she decided not to use to visit. At first she just defriended me. Then she slowly defriended everyone in my family and DH's family. DH was hurt. He asked my family, whoever was left, to defriend her. By the time I did, she already defriended them. DH also asked Russ to defriend her. I know it was childish, but DH was hurt and needed his support. Russ never responded.

I just got limited access to SD's facebook and saw SD is still friends with Russ. He's the only family member on there. I'm livid. If Russ called DH and told him he wanted to stay friends with SD and MAYBE tried to help DH with the situation that would be one thing. He didn't say a word. I think he is siding with PBFH again. He is the cool "uncle" that does drugs and lives off of other people.

I'm so sorry to vent. I have had enough of Russ throwing DH under the bus. I didn't respect him before but at least for now I hate him.

[gemini3]

Maybe putting some boundaries up is the right thing for now.  She can see just how far those kind of people will get her.  Hopefully she'll realize they're not as cool as she thought and grow up soon.  If not, you've done your best.  I know it hurts though, and I'm sorry for that.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll figure it all out soon.