Returning member needing new advice on custody

[Murphybriand]

 I hope some of you will remember me from about 6-7 years ago custody issue in PA. I had a boy with a woman who was married and at first she refused to let me in my sons life.  She quickly had a change of heart and left her husband and we grave our re;ationship another chance.   We lived together and now have 3 boys, a house, 2 cars, dog, etc....   In sept., 09 I was driving transport truck and hurt my shoulder and have been off work and through 2 surgeries since.  I had quit drinking when my 1st was born and I have now quit smoking as well. I do everything I can to be a good father like my father was. Since being home I have discovered my boys have not been well taken care of. We moved closer to her family and they all now say thank God I am home for the boy's sake but refuse to give me details as to why.  I casually dig for info from my boys: asking them if they like the trips to the park and swimming pool like I do and Mother did before I was home?  They quickly assert that mom never took them swimming and the park was not to often.  Since being home I let her sleep in pass noon because I liked being with the boys as I missed that driving big rig. I soon discovered from the boys she does not get up with them other than for the bus on school days. weekends are on their own if not locked in their room.  They still have a habit of taking food(usually junk)  to their rooms and fending for themselves and never bother to ask for food from me. I catch them heading up the stairs and ask them why won't they ask me for something to eat and they have no answer. I bring them back and feed them stuff they like. I  have sometimes asked them why they never ask mom for anything and they won't answer. I raise my voice to make sure she hears and keep asking them till I get the answer .. 'mom won't get us anything'.  It has been a year and a half since I have been home and I have discovered many problems like that. We have argued and she has done many fake "I will go get help" stories that she never follows through on.  Pill abuse is the main problem along with her mental issues she had since teen years.
    The  latest episode that brings me here is; After my latest visit to my shoulder doctor I filled My prescription for OXY 5mg. later  that eveneing she is acting very weird and leaves with her sisters baby to her dad's house for a blankie. I count my pill bottle and of course 15 pills missing.  After I confront her and she denies I give her the choice -get some help now  -or get the @#$* out.  She out the door going to her moms so she can drive her to a Mental Institute. The next day her parents inform me she took 8 OXY 5 at once. The rest who knows.
    She is getting some help but I know she is not giving the whole story to her doctors. I am not sure if she will come out any better. I know she has done this family wrong  and I am very disturb that after a week in the hospitals the boys have not asked where she is, I finally ask if they miss her or have they notice she is not home and I get a quick NO.
     I knpw her chances of getting custody if we do not make admends are slim but should I get custody now? I do not want to sabotage her mental health while she seeking help and more so I do not want to let my boys get hurt in any way.

[ocean]

For your best case, go get emergency temporary custody of kids tomorrow in court. Fill out the paperwork at family court then you should get in front of a judge. You can even ask for a restraining order so she does not take kids since she overdosed. If judge asks about her visitation, say when her counselor feels it is safe, supervised visits you are in agreement with.

Get your ducks in a row...can you afford the place to live without her?

[Murphybriand]

I am in a good position with my home. The house will soon be up for a short sale and very overpriced which will last for 1.5 years and then they will try the short sale again.  I am recieving workers comp payments untill I get a final evaluation and then there will be a settlement. The settlement amount should be enough to take care of things untill I get boys in school and back to work.
     I must tell you she does have a high tollarence for her pill abuse.  She did not O.D.  She usually takes daily suboxone, adderall, klonopin, etc....  as well as the various pain pills. It is very hard to tell everyone this situation unbiasly.  I was harsh on her about  the getting help. SO TO RETELL:  I have had many talks with her about her problem and she does agree she is out of control. She knows she need to get help and is sick and tired of that life style but struggles to keep on any treatment plan.   
     But I see what you mean!!!   I am the stable parent figure as well as the source of income. I need to protect the boys from the next episode. I also frorgot to mention when I confronted her about the latest incident I told her to either get help or get out!!!!  She started packing the boys things  untill I told her to forget it ... the boys live here and you  are not disrupting their lives. She then broke down bawling and called her mother to take her to get help. Her mother has signed her into a mental institution.  I have been talking with her mother(GM) as we both worry about BM.  It has been 5 days she's been gone and all I know is they have her sedated and assigned her 3-4 doctors of various fields of practice. Supposively she is not allowed visit or phone calls. I have been to her mothers and retrieved the SUV.
    Convienently I have a neighbor/friend going to her 4-5 custody hearing with her babies daddy to sort out the support details before the judge(non-hostile parents). She has called for a ride home and when she over tonight to watch the boys while I goto  store I will tell her we'll be going together.  I will gather all my paper-work tonight and have everything ready.  Any details I should keep in mind I would like to thank you  all in advance for .

[ocean]

Ok, her mom is lying somewhat to you...
Her mom can not sign her in...so unless 2 doctors signed her in (which usually does NOT happen when the person walks in for help). She can ask anytime for release and she has MANY rights...

Play hardball for now. Get temp custody as mother signed herself into a program after she took many prescription pills that were not hers at the house with the kids home. Ask for RO until mother gets appropriate help and counseling and that you are willing to supervised visits in the meantime. Be firm and say that you want the kids to have a healthy relationship with their mother but until she proves to keep up with her OWN meds and treatment you need to protect the kids for now.

If you do get a RO you will not be able to deal with her dr's/hospital...so make a choice now....

If she gets help, you can always drop RO and supervised visits.

Take your current court orders/ kids birth certificates/ your license /

[Murphybriand]

   I am not sure what went wrong today or if anything happened at all. I went to the local county courthouse and asked around to I got in the right place. Clerk of Courts sent me accross hall to library to fill out custody and emerg temp paperwork and I filled in all the blanks to the best of my skills. Back to the clerks office ... paid the $96.00 filing fee and was told ....       ' I will send this up to the courtroom and give me your phone number and you will be called later with the results."  I asked about when or how long might it be?    " They are about to go for lunch and you neveer know how busy they are or get to be.   I can;t say for sure."   I said ok and left and sat around home all day and heard nothing.   
    Is this normal that a emergancy custody matter is not answered the same day or was I just a victim of my own inablilities in the courts? 
    I did not ask for a RO on her.

[ocean]

Should of called back just before closing...sometimes it is the next day though...depending on the timing it gets to a judge. Since mom is at a facility, they know children are safe but at the same time you should get a ruling Monday. Here, they send you right over, and you wait there until you go before a judge, quick 5 min, tell your side and they sign off. (Interesting that you had to pay that much, here, ALL family court filings are free except for the divorce.

[Murphybriand]

I filled for emergancy temp custody on Friday early afternoon. They told me to go home and they  will call.  I heard nothing and call them on Monday afternoon .... clerk of courts said it is still in the court room. 
    Over the weekend I get wind that BM is going to be at her mother's Monday. I am told she is staying 1 night at her mother's to get things and  have a talk with me and see our 3 boys. She is schedual for a DETOX place to pick her up Tuesday.  Monday evening she is over and I told her I am filling for Emergancy Temp Custody. She freaks out and does the usual poor me routine.  I tell her she is unstable and her mother keeps calling wanting to see the boys and asking me over and over if she can.  I have told the Grandmas of course she can and even forced a date out of her as to when she could/would.  Grandma was a no show of course. I tell BM when she is upset she threatens to take them and use them against me and I know her mother(grandma)  would try for custody if she thinks she could get away with it.  I make a trip to store for milk and diapers while she is there and let her have some time with boys (tub time).  When I got back she says OK she will give me custody. I ask why and she tells me her mother was trying to get her to give her(grandma) custody. I had told grandma of my intentions for custody the night before and she was tell me its for the best and that it would be between BM and I.  I will see what happens in the morning ....  My intentions are to go to court house to get some action anyways.
   

[ocean]

Ok...
Do not want to scare you BUT:
NO alone time. She is unstable and she could of taken them. You would not have any legal standing to go get them. Especially since Grandma might try and get custody.

If she in sincere about giving you temp custody, have a lawyer type of the papers and have her sign them with a notary. You can then have them filed. (If the judge denies the emergency TC).

[grammy2]

Just a few thoughts...  and if it scares you, it should!  This is serious stuff you are talking about.

1. If you're concerned about her taking custody, you won't need a restraining order if you have an emergency custody order, and I would suggest you follow through with that without a doubt!  Get her away from those kids NOW! And I would not want a woman like that as my wife...

2. Because of her illegal drug use/abuse she has no chance for custody, though she may be entitled to visitation but NOT until after she has been through drug rehab...be INSISTENT and do not hesitate to be very candid about the drug abuse details, hold NOTHING back!  This is no longer about her survival, its your childrens survival. When she was abusing your children she didn't care about their mental health!

3. Your children are screaming for help! If you cannot see that and take steps to intervene and protect them they will begin to feel you are not someone they can trust.  Asking them questions in the presence of their mother (I asked them loud enough for their mother to hear...) is NOT okay, that puts the children in a horrible position with their mother and since they are not talking, for all you know, they could be very afraid she will abuse them when or if she ever gets them alone.

4. You need to take notes and keep a running log of all the information your children tell you.  A child who has to hoard their food or have unnatural/abnormal behaviors as a way of surviving, that means they have been TRAUMATIZED.  If you can substantiate the 'allegations' the children are making I would NEVER allow her unsupervised visits unless and until she has developed a relationship with the children to the point the children feel safe around her.  And should she get to that point and they say ONE THING about their safety I would pull all the plugs!

5. Your children would most likely benefit from some counseling.  They need someone to help them put the horrible things their mother has done to them into perspective and help them overcome the trauma it has caused them.  Your repeated absence while she was abusing them has likely caused trauma as well, making them wonder why you weren't protecting them.  They may very likely be scarred for life...so sad. Counseling NOW can help improve their ability to bounce back...

6. It would really benefit you to get an attorney, or at least consult with an attorney about the best way to protect your children.  It's time to stop thinking of you, your marriage and HER mental health, it should ONLY and at ALL COST be about the children right now.  When you represent yourself in this type of situation, if the other parent decides to fight it all the way, they would have a better chance of making the 'allegations' appear to be made up...representation by an attorney will bring your case a higher degree of legitimacy in a court. I know, I'm going through it right now myself in a Pennsylvania court proceeding. I started without one but now have an attorney and the other person does not, it's amazing the difference an attorney has made! Its expensive but I would say you can't afford not to.

Good Luck...and give them an abundance of hugs, kisses and tenderness...they REALLY need it!  Don't stop until they say they are ok. Your heart must be crying for their pain...and the guilt you must feel when you realize how awful it was for them because you (knowingly or not) left them with a monster...

[Murphybriand]

I apologize for not keeping everyone posted. I know you all understand when you are thrown into the sole parenting position of 3 young boys that need plenty of care and attention.  I had the courts send me a letter and court order for the boys to remain at my address until the court date given in the letter.  The BM has been to a detox center for 7 days and then she as well as I went with her to the duo treating Dr. for psycological problems and her addiction problems. This was the Dr. the detox center set up the apppointment for her.  BM told Dr. of all her various problems and he prescribed a boatload of meds ... his plans are to get her stable and then start sessions to address her mental problems.  Next day I went to bed and she said she would be following shortly. Next morning I notice my Ph has unread TXT. They do not make sense until I read the sent messages she forgot to erase and I discover she spent the night trying to get aderal and suboxone. I confront her and she has another break down bawling session that she just lost it and can't keep control of herself. Very shortly after we aare on the way to the hospital and her PCP Dr. is called and she is admitted untill they can get her shrink contacted and he desides what has to be done with her.
   Monday 4/25 is the Emergency Temporary Custody hearing and she has been informed. I of course will be there .... I am not sure if she will. I know she has no means to obtain a lawyer and will only show up and try her bawling out and I am having a breakdown routine to get out of dealing with any matters she is forced to. I know what the judge will be looking for when she has to decide what sill be the childrens best interest and what is expected of the parties involved.  My only problem is I am not sure what exactly can be asked for at temp emergency cust hearings and what paper work I should have ready for the judge to sign if there is anything a judge would agree to at that time. The BM has at one time agreed to give me tempory custody whils she was away dealing with her issues and printed off the computer but of course never signed or edited it to suit our particulars. I can draw up court papers with the case no. in the style the court has started with case no. as a lawyer does.