When you just can't get along

[allforher]

Thanks guys, he called me a liar and it really got to me, we have only been coparenting for the past 20 months or so, we were out of state prior to that, and he was in prison so this is all new for me to deal with.

It is really hurtful when he says things like our daughter is afraid to talk to you, you never listen to what she wants, you always do what you want, etc etc.  It really PO's me, cause I live for all my children and support them all in the things they want, with motherly guidance of course, but really.....i know this sort of thing will never end and I do need to get a grip. 

I may try to post here, if that's ok...not sure if and when there will be anything new... I think this fire is out for a while at least.

Thanks for the support

[MixedBag]

e-mail is best, just print file, and ignore.

you gotta LEARN to control the desire to respond spontaneously and stuff.....

you can't fix "him" -- but you can change how you respond.

don't do phone stuff, you can't "print" file, and PROVE what was said.

Let him call you a liar......at one point, I bet we've all been called liars.

TIME and your good adult like behavior will shine through.

[allforher]

Agreed....

Its interesting though, this time....I resent him several of his emails in response to his statements, etc.  Essentially showing him and proving to him certain things he was pointing out.  I wasn't harsh no nasty words or anything and he actually asked me to stop emailing him...... Now that we have both asked each other to stop emailing like this I hope things will level off.

On another note though.  Is is normal for a child who has shared parenting feel as if they need to separate the parents at all times?  Like not having both parents at sports events etc?

My daughter said it would be weird if I came to a practice while it was her Dads week, weird thing is, since her Dad lost his job he's been helping coach her team, so he's always there then she asked if both her Dads could go on a field trip....now how is it that's she is comfy with that and not with her and Dad and I being in the same place?

poor thing, I just wish I could erase the past 20 months  I wish her Dad and I could start over, things were pretty good when we first got here, then we actually had to parent together and it just fell apart

[ocean]

Just tell her you will not bother or speak to her father that you are there for HER. That you will watch from the other side of the field and then if it is his parenting time, you will wave goodbye. If it is your time, then she comes with you.

Would it be worth a shot to either email a "seize fire" letter stating that you got along a while back and would like it to get to the point you two can be in the same room and be civil for your daughter?

or

Offer to go to counseling for a few weeks with him to co-parent. You can start with the two of you and then maybe bring in step parents so you can all get along to the extent of activities for child?

[MixedBag]

"cease fire" -- k?  thanks for the smile this morning!

[allforher]

I wish it were as easy as coparenting or a cease fire......We have been to coparenting therapy and even during that I got terrible emails.  The problem is he truly believes he is our childs voice, that she is afraid to talk to me about her desires and that I do not support her.  No amount of therapy for us is going to change that. 

My daughter and I go to therapy and that is just where we have to work at this point, He will not seek his own therapy for his own issues, much less reenter into therapy with me or step parents for that matter. 

I guess only time will tell.  Will be back here I am sure but I will do my best to be positive about the whole thing

[allforher]

So the other night I get home from shopping and I have a message from my oldest daughter saying she is riding the bus home to my house and that she doesn't want to go back to her Dad's anymore.

I call her back to see what has happened and she is very short on the phone with me and quiet and says I can't tell you now, I want you to come get me now but I don't want you to get hurt.  I do my best to reassure her that I will be fine but I needed to know if she was hurt.  She said no, then got off the phone really quickly.

In the process of getting myself together, thinking of what the best thing to do is, i wait about 15 minutes and then call her back.

When I did she seemed more able to talk. 

Here's what she said.  "I was late coming home from my friends house by 10 minutes, my Dad had gone looking for me with the baby but I cut through the neighborhood so he didn't see me walking.  i got home before he did. 

he is making me write a 5 page essay on disrepecting your parents and asked me to pick a number.  I picked 3, then he told me to go pick a belt and that I was going to get the belt 3 times.  I really want to come home"

In order to try not to butt in on his parenting I told her that trying to go back and forth between houses when she is in trouble isn't the way to deal with it.  I told her I didn't think Dad would really take the belt to her and that if she wanted to see me she could ask her Dad if she could come over after school via the bus to our house and I would take her back, but that she needed to talk to him not just come over.

I sent him an email about what I said to our child and put in there that I assumed the belt be a scare tactic.  He did not respond, which is fine with me.

Now, I don't parent this way and I do not tell my ex how to parent, he only been actively doing this for a short time but none the less it's his time.  I view belts and such as abuse and I feel that if our daughter came to me with marks on her I would have to report it.  Is this somethign that I need to wait for or should I bring this up if he and I make it back to coparenting therpay to prevent it?

[ocean]

You can have a sentence added "Neither parent or step parent will use physical punishment or the threat of physical punishment to child".

[deezo1975]

@MixedBags, yes, what is that site? I'm a father in that exact situation, I have recently posted a message in the "Father's Issues" forum about my daughter recently cutting her own wrists. Mom is a very high conflict person and definitely shown traits of bi-polar, borderline or narcissistic (or all of the above really), so I'm seeking all the resources I can before going back to court for my time with my daughters, I'm hoping to convince the judge and just need some help. Attorneys don't do anything for you except bill you it seems...

[Davy]

Well ... my "EX" left a VM at 5:30 am last Sat or Sun.  One of the few communications in 30 years.  One of those last communications from her way back then : "I guarantee you will never see your daughter again if you continue to EXERCISE your court ordered visitation".

Precious darling dau died Tues am.  She would have been 44 years old today.