WWYD - great-grandparent in hospital

[sillystring]

Some of you know our history, some of you don't. In short, my husband does not have a good coparenting relationship with his ex. He has 50/50 custody, week on/week off visitation, neither is primary but he has final say over eduation, health, and extracurriculars.

Every year we have issues around Easter. The past two Easters, his ex has filed abuse allegations against my husband and DSD's first Easter was during the four months that his ex had taken off with DSD and refused contact (before they went to court). Oh, and one Easter DSD was 'too sick' to travel. So, we've already been anticipating there may be problems with this Easter even though we just recently had a CO modification.

DH's ex picked DSD up on Friday per the CO. She then took her to her hometown in TN without telling us (which is fine; she doesn't have to tell us but usually we do inform each other of out-of-town plans). DSD is in preK and we got a call from them this morning that DSD had not shown up for class. DH called his ex, and that's when she informed them they had went to TN. She is saying that the reason they have not come back is because while they were visiting, DSD's great-grandfather was admitted into the hospital for emergency surgery. He has had quite a few health problems over the past couple of years, but this all seems pretty coincidental. At the same time, however, we do not want to be unsympathetic if he really is in the hospital.

As some additional background, DH has already had issues with his ex not taking DSD's schooling seriously. We understand it is 'just' preK, but we feel this year is setting the precedent for DSD as far as how school will go. On the days that his ex has taken DSD to school, she has been tardy or absent 33% of the time. So needless to say, DH is NOT happy about DSD missing more school.

My question is, what are your thoughts on this? Is it necessary for a 4 yo to miss a week of school because of a great-grandparent being in the hospital (they are 5 1/2 hours away)? Is it unreasonable for us to ask DH's ex for the hospital information or some kind of proof that he really is in the hospital? If he really is as bad as she is trying to say and he does pass away, is it appropriate for a 4 yo to attend his funeral? I personally would never bring my 4 yo to a funeral but I'm not sure what other people think about that.

[ocean]

When are you supposed to have her back to you? (this friday?)
Honestly, I would document and let it go...since it is pre-k. Courts wont care too much....even here Kindergarten is not mandatory so schools can not really do anything if kids are absent a lot.
If Grandpa dies, I would allow child to be there for the few days, or offer to bring child for one of the days. Kids run around with cousins and eat together. I would not deny her time there, you may need it one day. (and we had it court ordered that if an immediate family member on either side -including step, the child will be with that side of the family...). Good clause to put in next time you are at court....

[sillystring]

We are supposed to get her back Friday at 2:30.

[sillystring]

To be honest, if it was any other week, it probably wouldn't be a big deal. But since it's Easter, I'm going to worry all week that she is using this as a ploy to keep DSD over the holidays.

Of course, there's no way to know if he really is in the hospital or not. If he is, then like you said, the courts would probably side with her anyway.

I'm just PO'ed because she always finds way to do this crap and not get in trouble for it. I'm just tired of it. Not to mention I'm two weeks away from having a baby. DSD is going to start hating Easter because it turns into such a battle every single year. I just need to learn to let it go I guess.

[ocean]

Well., she still need to get her back to you by Friday...so see what happens and file contempt with make-up time if not. They do not do funerals on Easter...She can come home and then she can return if anything happens with grandpa. If he is that bad, she can not visit him in hospital right now anyway...who is she staying with?

Did she say when she plans on coming back?

[sillystring]

She said she will know more hopefully tomorrow or the next day - his "emergency" surgery hasn't even been scheduled yet.

[ocean]

Ok. so have DH call on Wed and see what the plans are. Keep it light at first and see what her plans are. Then have back up plan if she says:
No to Fri- Offer to meet half way, child is with you this holiday, then threaten the contempt of court
other responses she may have? or offer?

If your state allows, tape the conversation...

[tigger]

How many hospitals are there in the area?  It shouldn't be hard to track down.  Where I am, there are two major ones.  Where my grandmother is, there's one.  Where my aunt is, there are two possibilities unless she's bad off, in which case, she'd be transferred to my area.  Call a few hospitals and see if he's listed as a patient.  If not, next time he speaks to her have him ask which hospital he's in because y'all would like to send flowers.  Or ask about his condition.  This might not help you much but I can tell if a person is lying about something medical based on the words they use to describe it.  My ex learned a long time ago not to exaggerate his in-laws' conditions because I knew enough medical stuff to know if he were just trying to position himself better or if it were really serious.  (And yes, I allowed the schedule to be altered to accommodate the situation, even when it wasn't serious.  I just don't like being lied to.)

[sillystring]

Well, he never actually was in the hospital. He was originally supposed to have surgery on Tuesday, which is why they drove up there (planning on coming back Tuesday when he went into surgery). Then the two doctors were disagreeing on whether it was more risky to do the surgery or not (he is having lung issues and heart issues - they wanted to do surgery on the lung but the heart doctor is afraid his heart isn't strong enough). So the surgery kept getting postponed, so DH's ex just stayed.

His surgery is now scheduled for tomorrow, but his ex did return DSD on Friday like she was supposed to so he is not making a big deal about DSD missing school for now. He is just documenting it for later if attendance continues to be an issue once DSD starts Kindergarten in the fall.