Step Parents rights.

[sillyviolet]

So, my son has surgery tomorrow at 10am. I don't want the step mom there because I am my son's mother not her. Do I have a right to say she can't be there? He's getting adnoids out and tubes put in. I don't want too many people around him when the surgery is over. Maybe I am being ridiculous I don't know. I just don't want to deal with her BS tomorrow.

[MixedBag]

i suggest you find a happy balance and focus on the child.

as both a bm and former stepmom thats how i get through times like that

[sillyviolet]

I am trying to focus on the child, which is why I don't want her there.

[Kitty C.]

If the child is accustomed to her, what is the big deal?  Other than you'd be uncomfortable if she's there?  And I'm not sure what you mean by 'too many people'...you, father, SM and hospital staff (usually one nurse at a time and maybe the surgeon stopping by afterward) doesn't sound like a lot.  Trust me, if the staff thinks there are too many people, they will ask someone to leave.  But...they will also request people to leave if they feel it is causing stress to the child.  Which includes any adversity that may be going on.

When DS had his eye surgery, his father came from CA (1800 miles away).  Besides medical staff going in and out, there were at least 4 people (myself, father, DH, and my mother) in DS's outpatient room.  Luckily the room was big enough to accomodate us all and we all got along for DS's sake.  Same with SS when he had his tonsils out, which was even more....'tense'.  That was DH, myself, BM, her DH AND SS's half-brother.  But regardless of what the adults thought of each other, we ignored that all for the sake of SS.  You would never know that there was a tremendous amount of animosity especially between DH and BM.

I really can't see how you can prevent her from being there without creating a scene.  Is that what you want?  Wouldn't it be simpler to be the bigger person, suck it up for a few hours, and ignore any attempts by the SM to antagonize you (if that's what you're worried about)?  Think about the stress it would cause YOUR SON if you play into SM's hand and respond to her negatively.  As the saying goes, it takes two to tango and if SM doesn't have a willing audience for her barbs, it takes the sting out of them and your son will be much less stressed about the situation.  It will be scary enough for him to deal with what is going on, don't compound it by engaging with the SM and lowering yourself to her level.

[bloom6372]

If the only reason you don't want her there is because you are his mother and not her, I'm sorry to be blunt but you need to suck it up and put on a happy face for your son. If your son has no issue with her wanting to be there, and as long as she isn't creating a scene, why not let her be there to support him? I don't know if you have a SO/DH, but if you do, would you want your ex saying he can't be there simply because he is your son's father and not your SO/DH? If she is known to cause problems, then if/when she starts, politely ask her to leave. If I recall correctly, you are NCP, right? If so, I don't see how you can force her to not come, but you can make her leave if she starts a scene (the hospital staff can and will kick her out for the patient's sake). As the adults, we (biological and step parents) need to put aside their personal feelings and try to make things as easy as possible on the kids.

[ocean]

I agree. I am a BM and SM. You both should be there especially if child lives there. You are the mother and will always be but she is the one that is there for him every day. If it bothers you that much, ask for your own time to sit with child. Maybe they can go to the cafeteria for a half hour while you sit with him after the surgery. You are all there for the child and you all LOVE him. Do what is right for your child.

[sillyviolet]

Well the step mother didn't show up because she had "more important" things to do. My ex just sat and read his book the entire time. My son's surgery went fine and he seems to be doing well.

[bloom6372]

Well the step mother didn't show up because she had "more important" things to do. My ex just sat and read his book the entire time. My son's surgery went fine and he seems to be doing well.

I'm glad your son's surgery went well... I hope he has an easy and speedy recovery.

I do suggest, though, that you look at what you wrote here...First you were upset she was going to be there because you didn't want her there. When she didn't show, you were upset because she had other things to do. Maybe she didn't show because she didn't want to step on your toes? Maybe she wanted to avoid any animocity? Or maybe she really did have other stuff to do. Who knows. My point is that you were upset when you thought she was going to be there, and when it turned out the way you wanted (her not there), you were still upset with her. It seems like you are looking for SOMETHING to be mad about with your ex and his wife. Try to turn the focus onto your son.. I've seen on here a lot of times "Love your child more than you hate your ex", and I think that could apply well here.

[Kitty C.]

VERY well put, bloom......

[CarteretCountyNCDad]

"Love your child more than you hate your ex"


WOW, very awesome quote bloom. !