16 yr old stepson wants to move in with us and soon...AACK & HELP!!!

[taboalien]

My 16 yr old stepson called last nite very upset, says he has had it with living there with his mom & wants to come here.  Wanted someone to come get him last nite- we are 6 hrs away from him.  I don't know the whole story, only what he is saying- his mom bought him a brand new 4X4 truck for Christmas & so he turned 16 in Feb, his mom gives him $25/wk for gas which is not enough so he went looking for a job & when he got one his mom threw a fit- she wants him to come work at her shop & he does not want to do this, so she told him he wasn't allowed to work anywhere else but the shop & if that's the thanks she got for getting him a new vehicle he could just pay the insurance on it also & if it wasn't paid, then he wasn't driving it.  Neither me nor his father have a problem with the kids paying their share of things BUT if he doesn't want to work for his mom- neither of us feel he should have to.  Their mom is another story in itself- she's your classic case of nutty!!! lol.

At any rate, I managed to talk him into waiting until the weekend & really thinking about this, his Dad is going down Saturday to talk with him one on one.

My question is- if he chooses to come on & live with us, how does that work because I KNOW his mom won't voluntarily let him come- she has the primary physical custody in the joint custody.  But from the way he talked he is coming back with his Dad come hell or high water- how much trouble legally can we get into & is there a fast simple way to do this without getting lawyers involved???  As i said- we are 6 hours away from them & from what i hear the police here won't get involved UNTIL it becomes a criminal matter & there hesitant even then ......

[havoc519]

I am glad I am not in your shoes and have to make these decisions.  I am a mother with primary physical custody, my son is only 7 though.  I just wanted to give you a word of caution.  Allowing the child to make a decision to move because things didn't go his way is not a good idea.  He only wants to move because he doesn't like what mom has proposed.  If he truly doesn't want to work at her shop, then he should by his own car.  It would be good to teach him that vital things like a vehicle can't be given to him on a silver platter anyway.  I believe that his mother is truly unreasonable to act the way she is acting but that doesn't make it ok for him to decide to move.  What happens when he doesn't get his way at your house?  Does he get angry and fed up and move back to mom?  Your house will always seem like the "greener grass" because he doesn't spend all his time there.  When he moves in and stays for long amount of time (couple of months) and realizes that he'll have rules and restrictions at your house also, he may not like it as much as he thought.  By the way it sounds a discussion with his mother is out of the question?  If not maybe your husband can reason with her.  Her feelings were probably hurt by her sons choice to not work for her, and if someone else discusses it with her maybe she can come to realize this.  If this is impossible then it may get costly with lawyers.  Good Luck.

[IceMountain]

I agree 100%!  The child needs to be taught responsibility for the truck his mom served up to him, unfortunately that responsibility may need to be proven by working for mom.  It may not be ideal, especially if mom and son have a strained relationship going into it, and son will most likely resent the situation rather than be open to any rewards.  

I also agree that mom probably had her feelings hurt.  Mom has a position open, feels betrayed by son who she gave a brand new truck to, etc.  But, if mom owns something like a beauty salon for example, I could definitely see why son would not want to work for her.

If you take the child without the mom's permission you are putting yourself at risk.  Even with mom's permission you are still at risk because the current court order places primary care with mom and you may be violating a court order by returning home with son, especially if you cross state lines in doing so.

Changing custody is a tough battle.  In my state you have to prove that you can provide superior care over the other parent and that a substantial change in circumstances affecting the child has occured.  One fight among mom and son does not fit that criteria.  Now, if there are other issues going on that you didn't mention, and that follow the criteria, you may have a chance.  But remember!  The child's choice is not the only deciding factor in changing custody.  It may be a factor, but there has to be more to it.  The courts won't disturb custody because of dispute like this.

Just my opinion.

[wendl]

Well I must disagree on some things with the other posters.

Yes mom purchased the 4x4 BUT the child wants to work to help pay for it just NOT at her work, heck at 16 no way did I want to work with my mom or dad.   My mom  bought me a car and I worked for it to pay her back.

As for him moving out, I moved in with my dad when I was 16 as I no longer wanted to live with my mom, not because her rules, my dad was actually stricter than my mom, but I really needed my dad at this time in my life as I could talk to him and my stepmom and where with my mom we couldn't talk.

A teenage boy needs his father a little more than his mother, as a daughter usually needs her mother more than her father during this period in their lives.  My son is almost 14 and really needs his dad right now and IF his dad would give a rats butt about our son, I would send my son to live with  him and because I want to but because I think my son needs his dad right now, it may help with what my son is feeling right now. But since he dad doesn't want to be a dad, my dh does what he can for my son, but my son won't open up to him, so unfortunatley we have to take it day by day and do our best with him.

Most courts will listen to the childs wishes but not base their entire ruling on it..

If I was your DH I would talk to him, maybe something more is going on than just mom wanting him to work with her to pay for the 4x4.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**