Egads... DH needs help approaching this

[bloom6372]

DH has a few issues...Most being BM giving wrong information or no information...But the BIG issue is not following doctor recommendations... In October 2009, DH had to get it COed that BM follow doctor recommendations relating to testing and treatment of ADHD. In April (and again in May), the doctor recommended counseling, behavior modification therapy, and tutoring. BM has done NONE of it. SD has been to 3 appointments with a counselor, all of which were just the counselor playing with SD because the appointments weren't close to one another. BM keeps changing and missing appointments, and about 2 weeks ago, DH got an email saying "Something came up so SD didn't get to her appointment. I'll let you know when she starts going again." Mind you, SD is supposed to be getting treatment for depression in addition to her ADHD. We figured out WHY she doesn't want to go to the counseling--DH got copies of records from SD's primary doctor, with the paperwork pertaining to the depression state that she cries multiple nights a week for DH. Given that BM tries to limit time with DH, obviously she wants no one to be told by SD that she wants MORE time...But SD NEEDS treatment for depression. The behavior modification can be done by the same counselor, but BM doesn't want to do that. And the tutoring that was recommended, DH has been providing online tutoring since February, and not ONCE was it logged in to while with BM, even though BM has the information.

There was also an entry in one of the appointment records that SD should have taken a break from her medication during the summer. DH would have gladly kept her off of it, since he doesn't like the side effects it's having on her weight and sleep. BM NEVER told DH, so SD stayed on her medication.

Anyway, the counseling, behavior modification, and tutoring were recommended in April and in May by the doctor, and they have also been recommended by the teachers and school counselor, AND they are included in the 504 Plan (stating they would need to see the progress from tutoring and behavior modification therapy). BM has told DH that "I don't answer to you." when he mentioned to BM that she is missing/skipping/cancelling more appointments than she's made...She also told DH "It wasn't recommended by anyone. It was just said that it'd be a good idea." (Here's your sign!!!!) How can DH approach an email/letter about recommendations not being followed? Even though she's COed to follow recommendations, she NEVER does....If he writes to her (and CC's her attorney) and she STILL doesn't follow through with the recommendations, would filing for a Show Cause even work? What I mean is, will they take it seriously? It's her mental health and education that is suffering here, and BM doesn't seem to care!!!!

[ocean]

Remind me, how far away are you from child? Close enough to bring to appointments weekly?

A strong worded certified/registered letter to mom and cc her lawyer if she still has one.

Ex,
As stated in the court order dated xx, page xx line xx, it states "xxxxxxx". Enclosed are the recommendations of the school and doctors that daughter attend weekly counseling, meds...(whatever). Since April, daughter has attended 3 sessions and the last appointment was cancelled again. If daughter misses another appointment this month, I will be forced to file contempt of court papers against you for not keeping up with xx medical issues. If you need me to take xx to her sessions, please let me know.
You

For the lawyer copy, you can change a few things and just add "please let me know when the next appointment is and if your client does not keep up with the medical appointments, I will be forced to file contempt charges as it is in the best interest of our daughter to follow the school/doctors recommendations".

As for information, do not rely on BM. See if the doctors office manager will call you when appointments are made, or call weekly and ask. Especially right before child comes to you with meds. Schools, keep up with teachers through email or the guidance counselor if child is older. Email/call monthly.

[MixedBag]

her husband is active duy military stationed overseas I believe in Japan.....due to rotate back in the spring, with no potential base for an assignmen close except for recruiter duy.

[bloom6372]

her husband is active duy military stationed overseas I believe in Japan.....due to rotate back in the spring, with no potential base for an assignmen close except for recruiter duy.

Wow, mixedbag! You have a great memory! lol. Yes, we are in Japan right now. We are due to move back in April/May (which may end up being moved to June/July, sadly, because of some training DH needs here and isn't available until April), and he has orders to MO, so we can't be there for the appointments (although we are hoping to file for primary after our return once we have a house). DH is staying on top of it all, though, as much as he can, given the counselor won't reply to any of his letters, emails, etc.

DH approached BM regarding the missed appointments before, and her response was "I do not have to answer to you." and then went on to say (repeating herself) "If something comes up in my life I don't have to answer to you. I don't have to tell you nor do I have to come up with a plan and tell you that." (He asked if there was a plan in place to help make sure that SD gets to her appointments)...EVERY SINGLE TREATMENT that DH requested was denied, and even when it's recommended by others, she puts it off as much as possible. DH doesn't want to give BM notice he'll file for a show cause hearing, as every time in the past he's told her what he will do, she files some stupid paperwork with the Court/FOC or a complaint with the FOC (all of which go DH's way in the end). We just don't want to deal with frivilous crap right now. lol.

We have learned not to rely on BM for information. She emailed him this morning to tell him that there was going to be a dental appointment (she said "This is a reminder about SD's dental appointment", but she had never previously told him about the appt.....) and that there was going to be a parent teacher conference. She's COed to give him advanced notice, but never does. She's also COed to provide him with a copy of report cards in a timely manner, and she got that today. She told DH "I'll be sure to have the teacher contact you about what we discussed.". She won't even tell him how SD is doing. Thankfully, he's in contact with the teacher 2-3 times a week (moreso than BM, even).  The teacher emails DH more than DH emails BM. He and the teacher are working on finding strategies that will work with SD's ADHD, and at the end of almost every email where she tells him what she will do for the problem(s) SD is having, she writes "I'll email SD's mother to let her know what I have decided to do." He learned long ago not to depend on her, but given the time it takes for mail to get from us to them and back, it's hard to keep on top of records (the doctor's office doesn't have email, and we don't have fax...). It took almost 2 months for records to get here this last time between processing times and the time it was en-route. But, yeah, he knows not to depend on her even though she's COed to provide information.

[Kitty C.]

A thought struck me.....how long has the school been dealing with this?  Are they getting at all frustrated with BM and her lack of involvement and refusal to get SD the help she needs?  Are they willing to put their money where their mouth is and go after her for negligence?  Because it seems to me that if they are fully aware that BM is flat out refusing to get any help whatsoever for SD and it is truly affecting her education (which we know it is), then they should be reporting her for neglect.  They are mandatory reporters....they are bound by law to report it.

[bloom6372]

A thought struck me.....how long has the school been dealing with this?  Are they getting at all frustrated with BM and her lack of involvement and refusal to get SD the help she needs?  Are they willing to put their money where their mouth is and go after her for negligence?  Because it seems to me that if they are fully aware that BM is flat out refusing to get any help whatsoever for SD and it is truly affecting her education (which we know it is), then they should be reporting her for neglect.  They are mandatory reporters....they are bound by law to report it.

I'm honestly not sure. I don't think the teachers/school know BM isn't doing the behavior modification, counseling, and tutoring that they recommended. BM has been telling the teacher that SD has the appointments, but fails to mention she's not taking her to them... The teacher did set it up for SD to do in-school tutoring for reading, though, and mentioned that SD needs to be doing her homework every night (apparently she hasn't been...). What happens is DH talks with the teacher or school counselor, they give a recommendation to HIM, he brings it to BM, she ignores it, they finally say to her that they've been talking with DH about it, she says she'll do it, but never does. She just lets them think she is doing it. The same goes with the doctor--they think SD has been seeing the counselor, but she hasn't. We aren't sure if he should mention it to anyone... He doesn't want them in the middle, but he wants SD to get help...

[ocean]

Ok, I thought so but read so many of these....lol

Since you are out of the country, your hands are tied to a point. If she has a lawyer you can try to deal with her that way. Doctors, each month send the same letter requesting any records for the month and also request if she was not seen or missed appointments. If you make nice with the doctor secretary, she may tell you about appts on phone.

School- Fine line. They can suggest outside counseling and tutoring but it is really a parental decision. Now if child is failing and no homework for extended period of time, they can put in educational neglect but they wont go after her for the outside missed appointments. If she comes to school without taking her medicine often they can report that.

Really you are collecting data for when you return. Is there an after school program she can attend and you can offer to pay for it or pay a tutor to stay with her at school for an hour (teacher?) and do homework and study? Use the school as a resource but really this is a parental issue at mom's house.

[bloom6372]

Ok, I thought so but read so many of these....lol

Since you are out of the country, your hands are tied to a point. If she has a lawyer you can try to deal with her that way. Doctors, each month send the same letter requesting any records for the month and also request if she was not seen or missed appointments. If you make nice with the doctor secretary, she may tell you about appts on phone.

School- Fine line. They can suggest outside counseling and tutoring but it is really a parental decision. Now if child is failing and no homework for extended period of time, they can put in educational neglect but they wont go after her for the outside missed appointments. If she comes to school without taking her medicine often they can report that.

Really you are collecting data for when you return. Is there an after school program she can attend and you can offer to pay for it or pay a tutor to stay with her at school for an hour (teacher?) and do homework and study? Use the school as a resource but really this is a parental issue at mom's house.

We have been providing tutoring at no cost to BM since February, but it hasn't been used. The grades are really poor, ranging from 45-65% on average. The teacher is cutting back how much work SD does (by HALF) so that SD can get good grades.

With the other stuff (and the tutoring), it was recommended by her doctor and BM is COed to follow doctor recommendations but she isn't (which is why he wants to contact her about it). It's been 2 weeks since the last missed appointment and no appointments have been made yet. SD has been back for 2.5 months and has made it to one appointment, which was just the therapist playing with her since she hadn't seen her since June. DH is on good terms with the staff at the primary doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and optometrist (and the school), but the counselor refuses to contact him. I'm assuming that BM lied and said he had no rights or didn't list him. But he sent the CO with his letters/faxes, so I would THINK they would give him the information. But until he gets through to that counselor, he won't have any records from them.

For now, we are documenting what we can, and trying to find a way to make things work in SD's favor while we are away.

[Kitty C.]

'We have been providing tutoring at no cost to BM since February, but it hasn't been used. The grades are really poor, ranging from 45-65% on average. The teacher is cutting back how much work SD does (by HALF) so that SD can get good grades.'

Now I'd be questioning the teachers.....cutting back on her work isn't going to help one bit and teaches her nothing, it's just sliding her under the table and passing the child on to the next teacher, just to have the whole pattern repeat itself all over again.  And as it progresses, SD might come to the realization that if she works less, they will make her responsible for less and less...definitely a lesson she doesn't need to learn.

Maybe DH needs to inquire to the teacher if holding her back a year (and it's probably too early in the school year to contemplate it) would be the best route to take.  Don't know what it would take to light a fire under BM, but if the school recommends holding SD back, I can't see how BM could avoid contempt and also make the case for reversing primary custody.

DH needs to tell them exactly what is going on with SD, just to make sure the school isn't going on assumptions that BM is even trying to hold up her end.  And the teachers should be giving all their recommendations directly to BM, NOT DH, because there's literally not a damn thing he can do about it.

'With the other stuff (and the tutoring), it was recommended by her doctor and BM is COed to follow doctor recommendations but she isn't (which is why he wants to contact her about it).'

Since this is all education-related, the school needs to be informed about this, as well.  THEY need to document that the child isn't improving and the tutoring she's required to have by CO is possibly the cause of it.  This is the trick of getting some of the issues spotlighted by an objective 3rd party.  Their documentation that BM has been ignoring the CO is a huge plus to DH.  Also, I see no problem with the school asking BM about the CO'd tutoring and request documentation regarding it....which you know she can't provide.  They have every reason to ask for it.

As for the counselor, I think there might be a letter on site somewhere that is meant to figuratively hold a practitioner's feet to the fire regarding records.  Either that, or send another letter (with copy of specific section of CO) reminding the counselor that providing records to the father is court-ordered and that if the counselor fails to provide it, DH will have no recourse but to notify the court.  Not saying that it will come to that...sometimes just the threat is enough to make them produce.  But if they still fail to produce records, definitely add that to any future court actions.

[ocean]

Kitty- Public schools will not ask mom about court ordered tutoring. They can write something that they offered before school help, after school help but they will tell him to go to family court and take it up with them if she is not following order.

The teacher should know everything that is going on. Maybe request a conference call with teacher, principal and social worker. Lay everything out and tell them you are planning to be back for the end of the school year. Giving her half the work is showing me they are treating her like an inclusion child with an IEP. Ask them for minutes to any meetings the teachers have had regarding child (internal school staff meetings).

I know you said the online tutoring but maybe her teacher or a teacher at the school would be willing to stay after school. A person to sit with her. If the school offers it to me and says dad is paying for it and it will be right after school, she will say yes. Also, here teachers are required to stay after one day a week for extra help, even at elementary level. See if they have that.