Egads... DH needs help approaching this

[Kitty C.]

I guess I'm confused.....in a hypothetical situation, what useful purpose can off-site tutoring (regardless of what form) be if the school doesn't know what the child it being tutored for and has no way to monitor its effectiveness?  How can the quality or necessity of the tutoring be determined if the school has nothing to compare it to?  When DS was in residential tx., the facility provided the school with all the information needed so that the school could follow his progress to make sure he had enough credits to graduate...and the RT was court-ordered.  Doesn't the same thing apply here?

[ocean]

The school/teacher will work with a tutor and let them know what child needs to work on but they will not monitor a court order to see if it is followed. In this case, mom is refusing to hire the tutor to call the school/teacher. The school/teacher can not force mom to do so (especially a public school).

[bloom6372]

We were wondering the same about cutting back on the school work. The teacher said she will be adding more work to it as they go until she's able to do it all. But right now, she's ranging from K-early 2nd grade level in everything (she's in 3rd, but should be in 4th, but she failed K). The teacher wants her to build her self-esteem by letting her get more right and slowly adding more and more. I don't know if that will work, but DH trusts the teacher because she's already done a lot to help SD in the last month and a half. (Got SD to an early 2nd grade level in reading from a late 1st grade level). This teacher has an excellent record, though, and for the last 5 years 100% of her students receive "above average" on the state testing... Though I'm not sure if that is the case this year with SD...

Regarding asking if she should be held back...We were wondering about that. At this school, 3rd grade and up can "fail"... Below third grade, it's up to the parents (parents can still choose at later years, as well, but the school doesn't "fail" anyone from K-2nd like her old school does). We are wondering if she will be on level. With the teacher lower her work, it will build her self esteem, but it may also put her on track to pass when she doesn't have all of the concepts and skills. For instance, they were working on reviewing subtraction up to 18 (i.e. 18 minus whatever). SD can't even do that And the teacher emailed today saying they are working on triple digit numbers for addition and subtraction. How can SD do that if she can't do it up to 18?

SD does have a 504 Plan, and the attachment to that plan says something along the lines of "We will have to see what progress is made with behavior modification, tutoring, counseling, and a nutritionist." (All of these were recommended by the doctor, which is why BM told the school...The nutritionist is because SD was super skinny to the point the doctor we took her to this summer said if she was ANY more underweight, they'd be concerned that she wasn't receiving proper nutrition. She gained 9 lbs with us this summer eating 3 regular meals a day and 2 snacks at home...)...The "attachment" is a minutes thing from one of the meetings. My DH asked the principal for copies of other minutes, but she said that they were attached to the 504 Plan...I don't know how often they do those meetings. He asked at the beginning of the year, so there might be more. The teacher and school have been really good about keeping DH in the loop. So much so that he felt the need to write to the district to tell them how great the school was with helping SD and keeping him involved.

The teacher (and school) sends recommendations to BM directly in separate emails from DH's. DH just discusses the issues SD is having, and then the teacher/school counselor will tell him what they want to do. DH will forward the emails and try to discuss it and BM ignores it until she gets their emails...And then she emails DH trying to twist what they said. Example: With the behavior modification therapy, before it was recommended by the doctor, she emailed DH and CCd the teacher and school counselor and said "I spoke with TEACHER and SCHOOL COUNSELOR, and they agreed with me that SD's behaviors are medication related and not behavior modification related."... He IMMEDIATELY received emails (CCd to BM) from the teacher and school counselor stating they did NOT say that, and they RECOMMENDED behavior modification therapy, a nutritionist, and tutoring. This was when BM wanted SD's medication increased and DH was saying no (SD was having trouble sleeping and she was losing so much weight that in less than a month her once tight clothes were HUGE on her). Until she got that email, she was denying allowing the tutoring and behavior modification therapy. She told them she'd do it (hence being in the 504 Plan attachment) but never followed through.

I will tell him that maybe he should ask if there is someone available for after school tutoring. Of course, BM will flip a lid if he does that, because "It's my parenting time and I set the appointments during my time."...Maybe he should ask HER to ask about it?

How should he approach the school about what is going on? He tries very hard to NOT badmouth BM, but it's hard to say "It's been recommended but it's not being followed" without putting blame on her or making it seem like he's calling her a bad parent for not following recommendations...

He sent the "nice" version of the letter here already to the counselor, so I guess DH needs to go to the more strong-toned one. He didn't want to get off on a bad foot with the counselor, but really, what else can he do if she is unwilling to communicate with him? This crap happens EVERY time BM gets to someone before us (meaning, is able to introduce herself and "explain" the situation...her version, anyway). If DH is able to introduce himself first, they see he's a good guy trying to be involved in his child's life. If BM introduces herself first, he's made out to be some long-lost guy who just needs to pay the bills...

It's so hard when it's OBVIOUS BM isn't taking care of SD's needs and has no drive to help her. BM was a substitute teacher AND a tutor for a few years(and she went to college for an education degree... don't think she ever got it, though...), yet she can't take the time to help her own child...