Need help to keep custody rights in place while trying to restore relationship

[attainable3]

State is Missouri.
Have 3 kids between 2-10

Have been in constant conflict with wife for multiple years.
Conflict largely revolves (and revolves) around me having been emotionally involved w/ another woman (several years ago).
She 'agreed' to reconcile but has been punishing me since.
Many nasty incidents along the way including violence by her against me as recently as yesterday (just one huge slap).  Hitting, slapping, punching, pushing.  Bruises left and photos taken.  Incidents written down but no authorities involved.

She has destroyed stuffed animals in front of the kids (making the middle child cry).
She regularly screams at me (and the kids).  Has spit on me several times.  Breaks things.  Ripped up and burned marriage certificate.  threw wedding pictures out the window (in front of the kids).  Has drug whole of disagreements/conflicts out in front of the children.
She witholds the kids from me.
She says she just wants to be loved but continues to punish me with consistency and regularity.  Then is quiet for a little bit.  Then escalates again when I don't take the opportunity to 'fix' things.
This has gone on for YEARS.
I admit I am at fault for not "fixing" things. 
She has asked repeatedly for me to leave.  I have said I would leave with a written custody agreement in place.  She refuses anything better than "every other weekend".   So I don't leave.
She stays at home with the two youngest.  She quit working just before she got pregnant the last time and has never returned to work. 

Last night, she demanded I leave.  Same revolving discussion.  Except she packed the kids clothes and took the kids to grandma's (20 minutes from home).  Then this morning returned to say she didn't think it fair I made them move out (I know I didn't make them move out).  I told her I would take some clothes and stay with her parents for a few days so that she and the kids can stay at home.

No actions have been filed.  I don't *think* she is going to file anything.

She is trying to get me to "fix" the relationship (by myself) *or* maybe trying to get me to give up custody to give her a better chance of getting a lion's share of kids time.  My big concern is whether I am jeopardizing my custody rights by staying at her parents for a while without establishing a custody agreement...even if it is just in email.  She refuses anything more than 'every other weekend' and as of right now is saying I should not ask to see them if I want to stay married to her.  What to do to both protect my ability to raise my kids AND try to repair/retain my marriage???

[ocean]

Stay in the home. Move to spare bedroom or living room couch but stay in the home. She can leave but kids stay in the family home. You can go to family court and ask for temporary custody of the kids and that the kids. If you file in family court it is a lot faster than divorce court. You can resolve the custody issues there and include that portion into your divorce action.

[attainable3]

I have been 'on the couch' off and on for 3 years.  She is insisting that separating (e.g. me moving out) is the only chance left to resurrect the relationship but she refuses to agree to any temporary custody arrangement that doesn't include me giving up reasonable visitation. 

She is effectively refusing to have us be in the same house at this point and either she goes (and will insist that the kids go too) or I go.

So...in that scenario, what am I to do?

[Kitty C.]

HUGE red flag here.....she is NOT at all interested in reconcilling.  She is telling you 2 different things here that are not compatable with each other.  She wants you out of there, plain and simple.  I agree with ocean....do NOT leave the home, not even to her parents house.  The moment you are gone, she will do whatever she can to make sure you can't come back. File for temp. custody with stipulation that the children stay in the home.
If she feels a separation is needed and is so determined to make that happen, SHE can leave and go to her parents' house.  If you leave, she has the upper hand in just about everything.
Another thing....if she assaults you again (yes, an open handed slap is assault), REPORT IT.  Go to the nearest law enforcement agency and report it.  File charges if you have to.  You say you have pictures of previous assaults....if you report, include those pictures to prove that it is an ongoing situation.  I know that this can be a very sticky situation, but think about this.....she continues to do it because she hasn't been stopped.  You didn't mention whether she's doing this in front of the kids, but even if she hasn't, she probably will....what kind of lesson is that teaching your kids?  That it's okay to beat up on Daddy?  That it's okay to hit someone when you're mad at them?  Think about the long-term effects this can have on your kids.  Yes, it might be traumatizing for them initially if LE gets involved, but the unwanted lessons learned if you do nothing can last a lifetime and affect their future relationships as well.

I can't emphasize this enough....DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!

[attainable3]

So the collective wisdom is that I am making a large mistake to give her space at this time when she is unwilling to share custody of the kids.  And at that impass, I have to forefit 11 years of marriage to protect my access to my kids? 

Man...this sucks. 

Any reconciliatory recommendations?  Things I can do to show her I am serious about my desire to fix the relationship?  She sees it as a paradox that I say I want to fix it but I am unwilling to "give her peace"...which includes giving her the kids as they are "the one thing in the world that she cares about" by way of leaving.

[Kitty C.]

That's what I mean.....she 'says' wants to get back together but she wants to be separated to do it?  If she is more adamant about you movng out than she is about getting back together, then she wants you OUT....period.
Maybe I'm looking into this too much, but with what you've posted about her so far, I would bet dollars to donuts she already has an atty. on retainer and is just waiting for you to get out so that she can file.  Why else would she ONLY be willing to agree to allowing you to have the kids only on the weekends?  Doesn't sound reconcillatory to me at all.  If she were serious about reconciling, you would both be going to counseling.  Has that been suggested yet?  If so, what was her reaction?  If not and you do suggest it, I will bet you $50 right now that she will either flat out refuse or come up with some lame excuse as to why she either can't or it won't work.
Just my guess, but you could probably do everything under the sun to show her your intent to fix the relationship....and SHE sees it as a paradox?  Seriously?  She's the one creating it, for crying out loud!  She's projecting on you what she's creating herself!

[tigger]

I would tend to agree with the others.  She's not serious about reconciling.  However, if you want to make a good faith attempt at doing so, I would suggest trying "The Love Dare".  It has a Christian base but you can adapt it to your situation if you'd prefer to leave faith out of it.  It's a step by step (or rather day by day) of treating someone (in this case, your spouse) differently and make them a priority in your life.  It builds and starts out simple enough - say nothing negative.  Make a small gesture of doing something nice.  You don't tell her what you're doing, you just do it.  And do suggest counseling and see what her reaction is.

[attainable3]

More background...

2.5 years ago we saw a counselor together.  Wife had requested it and she set it up.  Met a few times.  Resolved nothing.  Neither of us were very cooperative with the recommendations the counselor made.   Counselor suggested she try anti-depressants.  Wife refused.  We stopped going.  Wife says I lied to the counselor lied about stuff that was my fault.  I did minimize lots of things and didn't do a good job with following through on any of the recommendations (I say that so we all know I am not an angel or necessarily doing my part in this relationship.  I recognize at least some of my faults.)

We floundered trying to make things better on our own.  I made things worse.  She made things worse.  Things got worse.

I went to find a counselor of my own.  (probably 1.5 years ago)  Argued with wife over that.  Saw counselor #2 once.  He said wife has BPD.  He didn't deal with couples so I stopped going there.  Found another who did see couples...went together again for a few sessions before he decided we needed to work on issues separately.  Counselor #3 told me (but not wife) that wife has BPD (borderline personality disorder).  recommended she go see a different counselor.  she blew up, claimed he was abandoning her when he knew she had abandonment issues (which...i think i agree with).  she stopped going to counseling all together.  I continued. 

Little more than a year ago,  she blew up pushed/hit/punched me, spit on me,  (one of a handful of times she has assulted me).  Counselor #3 recommended i get a restraining order.  saw a lawyer.  he agreed.  My father (SOB that he is) suggested it too.  I called wife from courthouse to say "i am at courthouse, have the paperwork for a restraining order in hand.  don't want to file it, but violence MUST stop".  Didn't file.  She resents that i was even there but agreed to no violence (she has since broken that several times). 

Things went around like a merry-go-round.  a year later almost to the day, she assulted me again (and a couple minor times in between).  I started seeing a new counselor by myself this past summer.  Have not returned to counseling WITH her since 1.5 years ago.  In describing our interactions...counselor #4 says "she sounds BPD". 

...Shocking.

Just met with my counselor #4/mediator (he is a mediator...haven't used him for mediation).  Here is what he suggests:

Being out of the house short term will not affect custody and may give needed cooling off for everyone.
He suggested I schedule a time to meet with her (and let her parents take care of the kids while we meet) in a few days to review 4 "counsel" options:

1. Go to a priest together. (free) - outcome "work on it"
2. Go to a counselor together again. (copay) - outcome "work on it"
3. Go to a mediator (more money) - outcome "work on it" or "end it"
4. Go to a lawyer (even more money) - outcome "end it"

convey to her the order of preference (which is 1-4) but ask that we make a decision very soon (if not during that meeting).

He also said, given everything, there is no way I should walk away with less than 50/50 custody...better if I want it given her history of being physical toward me (and my step daughter)...regardless of my contributions to the dysfunction of the relationship...regardless of leaving the house for a short time. 

I don't know if he is a real authority on the matter...though he says he is.

What do you think of that???

[ocean]

Get back home, go get temp custody order. You can live together but kids stay at the home if she decided to leave. You can always drop it. If she files first, then you are out of luck. She is not showing true signs of helping the relationship. Go see a lawyer as the counselor is not really telling you how family court works. Ask about filing NOW in family court instead of divorce court just to make sure the kids stay in the house with you regardless of what she decides.
Go back home, and when wife asks what you are doing, say I am staying with the kids and will be on the couch. Do not give her a clue that you are getting temp orders (and do that very soon) as she can go tomorrow morning or already have someone doing it for her.

[brwneyedmom]

And ask yourself the question of do you really want your children home alone with her for days on end if she is abusive enough to hit you, rip up their toys, and scream what you are doing wrong at them. Believe me, if you leave, it will get worse. Think about your children as you answer this question.
Protect your children and yourself from her raging. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE unless there is a court order. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE, unless there is a court order. Your counselor (who has NEVER met your wife) is giving you advice to save a marriage that your wife may not want to save.
You should be treating your wife in a business-like arrangement. Keep emotion out of it- this will only make things worse.
This is all advice learned from hard experience. Listen to ocean- she has more scars than I do. She knows what she is talking about and is trying to save your relationship with your children.