Emotional Abuse?

[Beantowngal]

We are in Ohio...have attorney appt. next week to start another contempt, but my mind is whirling.  We are grandparents, my son is deceased.  He was residential father of two, they had different mothers. We have custody of older, it is going well. Concerned about the younger...11 years old. We understand third party custody, and we believe this child is being abused. I also know the court has high standards. 
Since father's death BM has moved/been evicted five times. Currently live 2 hours away, we drive the entire trip for visits. Siblings see each other every other weekend (unless BM has plans) after living together. No holidays, holiday eves, evenings, birthdays, summer holidays nothing else. BM has alienated child against us to the point he tells sibling he hates us. Had an in camera with magistrate,  determination made that is not true. Also was determined child has never dealt with fathers death and is all but screaming for help. Counseling was recommended. Magistraite will not order counseling for child. BM will not take child to counseling. We have as part of our agreement counseling for BM and us.BM will not go. Cannot get a contempt on this.  We were told 2 years ago child was referred to psychologist for AdHD eval. Never happened, but ADHD is used as frequent excuse.   
This is the worst part....since the latest move 4 months ago child is isolated. He is home schooled, pulled from athletics, pulled from band. He stays in tiny apartment, does not go outdoors because he and BM do not know anyone, but watches other children play out the window. They go to the grocery, and he comes to our house. That is it. He is around no other people. His personality is changing, not drastic, but he is very protective/defensive of BM. He trusts no one else and would argue to the end if BM has told him something...no matter how outlandish. He recently announced his ears were so big when he was born his mom made the dr, cut them back. This was not said as a joke, It would be funny but he really believes this  and other similar stories. He only took Christmas gifts home that his mom would like.  He tells us she is on medicine for a mood disorder because of menopause and she is in pain because her ovaries grew back.  BM uses him as a messenger and has started allowing him to make his own decisions...so we make arrangements for pick up with her, then get a text from him saying he is not coming.  When he is here he has fun, enjoys his sibling, and cries when it is time to go home. 
Is this enough abuse that the court may recognize it? Our goal isn't to snatch him from his mother, but to insure he matures into the most emotionally healthy adult possible. I can fight to the end of time for this child, but I cannot risk the little bit of sanity I have left, not to mention the financial expense.  BM has always been high conflict, the only time not was when my son won custody.  Do I continue pushing on for this child? Not sure i can see the situation clearly. Thank you.

[ocean]

Sounds like it will be hard to prove but you can ask for a more specific parenting plan that includes longer visits, summer, and holidays. File contempt on the therapy if that was court ordered and a modification of the visitation plan.
Homeschooling depends on her state. Find out what the requirements are and if she is doing it. Since her moves are not affecting where he goes to school, can not really use it unless he is not doing the work. Some states are strict with it and some are not.

Does child have laptop/computer so he can skype or talk to siblings? Phone to text? He is getting to the age to start using these things with adult supervision especially for family things.

In court, as you saw mom had more rights then you do. You can ask for a law guardian to be assigned for child to see what is going on, schooling, house. Sometimes you get a good one, sometimes not. The non stability of different houses and if he is doing the school work will be the biggest issues.

[Beantowngal]

Thank you for your advice. We have spent most of the last two years in mediation(unsuccessful)  and court trying to change our plan. Magistratet told us to work out a new agreement but is unwilling to help us with it. He wants us to negotiate it and will not make any decisions, or give any inkling how he will rule. BM will not negotiate at all despite magistrate saying she is the most selfish parent he has ever seen.  In fact, she wanted us and sibling to have less time and no summer time. In the end our attorney..who is one of the better in our area...recommended walking away because he had visions of magistrate trying to make everyone happy, and in process we could loose time. So much of this seems dependent on the luck of the draw with judges/magistrates. We got one who would not make a decision and ended up rewarding BM bad behavior. Now, three months later, we'll be back in court. Something needs done differently or nothing is going to change....I don't know what that something is.

[ocean]

Modification to parenting plan- "mother will not work with grandparents with sibling visitation regarding holiday times, vacation weeks, and summer break. Grandparents request the courts to order a holiday and summer schedule so the siblings have quality time together".
File contempt on the therapy and if she refused any weekends. You need proof she refused the weekends. "Grandparents request the courts find mother in contempt for not showing up to therapy appointments. Grandparents request the courts enforce and punish as the courts discretion. "Grandparents were denied their visitation on xx weekends (put dates) and request the courts order make-up weekends and fines for future denial visits as the siblings look forward to their time together".

Then the judge will have to deal with the contempt issue, and if mediation is brought up for holiday/summer time you can remind the courts we have been down this road and need a trial/order as the kids now missed another holiday together.

Can you make a therapy appointment and send her a certified letter as to the date and time. You go, even if she does not. Keep going, until court. Interview some and get a good one that will be able to deal with mom. Some therapists will call the mother and say, I will be called into court, best interest to come to therapy.

[Beantowngal]

I like the wording and thought process.  Not sure our local courts would give us more, or take time away. It has been apparent BM can roadblock any attempts from magistrate. I think that magistrate is a large part of the problem. The judge of this court has indicated to our attorney that he has concerns for our situation, but I think it is the luck of the draw.  I was hoping some of this would be looked at for what it is, abuse of this child by a mother with her own issues and motives. He has turned into a caretaker for her, worrying about her health and defending her at all cost. Examples would be telling us BM has a mood disorder because of menopause, and is in much pain because her ovaries grew back! He announced to a room full of family that when he was a baby his ears were so big his mom had to have the doctors trim them back so he didn't look so bad....it would be funny if he did not 100% believe this because his mom told him so. He stands to come into some major  money at age 18.  He knows the exact dollar amount and has already, told us he needs to help his mom out with it.  I am sure that is why he is being isolated.  I do not care about the money, except it is for his future, at this point his future is bleak.  I have a letter from the counseling office stating I came to sessions. They did call BM, she will not talk to them. He has a cell phone, conversations are awkward as he has to keep it on speaker, and BM has commentary running in the background. At our house he is supposed to carry it everywhere so BM can call him. He is in trouble if he doesn't answer.
Thank you, I really think this is hopeless. Watching the negative changes in this child is just about as bad as having lost a child.

[Beantowngal]

Attorney today, we are filing contempt. Found out we will have the same magistrate, so I don't expect anything different to happen.  BM has started positioning herself, to throw mud at the older sibling. younger child is getting "tired" of older brother  and the way he treats him.  Funny, younger child cries when it's time to leave.  I think there is little hope for this situation and even the siblings relationship.

[ocean]

Contempt is a different type of hearing. Mom will have to say why she is not following the court order. It is like "criminal" court in family court. However, many do get away with things, especially mothers or an agreement is made and the contempt is dropped.