Man gaining full custody...

[MixedBag]

If child support is your fear...you're gonna have to provide them at some point IF your state uses both parent's income to caculate that item.


So I'm not so sure I could support "fear" of sharing that information.  many courts order that W-2's or taxes or paystubs be produced.


Be careful to pick and choose your battles...


Where finance go, I'd look for the ultimate goal of not only getting to 50/50 (second choice would be according to income ratio IF the other side makes more) and to legall and totally separate accounts.  Like if something is JOINT today, get it ordered that you both fully cooperate with each other to remove the respective person's name OFF the account.  (Thinking credit cards in particular) and in the end, that's up to the bank.  BUT if you have it clearly spelled out in an order that She takes A, B, C, and you take X, Y, Z, and that each party is to fully cooperate in making this happen, that will be your first line of defense against the bank and in court.


NOW mind you, the bank might still come after you and REFUSE to take you off an just leave her.....and then you have to go after HER for what happened.


At the time of my split with EX#2, our income ratio too was 60/40 -- but I let it go at 50/50....and focused on getting my name OFF our joint accounts, and his off mine.  At first, the bank would not let me assume the loan and take his name off (lower interest rate) -- so I had to refinance the loan (higher interest rate).  AND I almost got disapproved for that because the joint credit cards were still JOINT debt.   


Then for YEARS I monitored my credit report because the JOINT cards were still showing up on my credit report even though the banks assured me that my name was OFF the account when I would call them.  It was a scary few years until one day they disappeared like they were supposed to -- and in the meantime, his balances were growing and he was falling behind.


So....with #3....nothing went joint.  And I mean NOTHING.....and split was easier and during our marriage, I was calmer about money.  We split stuff 50/50....and when he goofed up life, there were no financial headaches.

[ocean]

I am guessing you are in the family home? You both own it?

Like MB said, get names off and restart new accounts with the utilities if you have to. Are you planning on staying there after if you can not afford it now without her help? Will you sell it?

For right now, it depends on what bills you each have. If she has car in her name, she pays it. You make sure anything that has your name gets paid and get name off everything else or close the accounts. If she is still in the house, the maybe ask her to pay "rent" and not split each bill, just come up with a set amount she pays each month and you have to cover it? Until you get into court, she leaves, or you sell...you are stuck dealing with her on getting these paid.

Also agree, you will have to produce paystubs eventually. If you work extra or have extra money in a check some weeks...then maybe get a letter from work on what your salary is instead. Watch overtime now until court, it will be used against you.

[baltimore_father]

Thanks for all the replies! Appreciate it.

Yes, I am still in the house. Both of us are on the deed, also. Truth is, neither one of us can afford it on our own, so it is inevitable that it will be sold.

Since my wife has refused to pay on the shared bills (house and car), I am in quite a conundrum. Her visa is about to expire and she needs me to sign for an extension. I asked her to help pay on the shared bills which of course, she refused. I, in turn, refused to sign the visa extension. Truth is, it is asine and spiteful for me not to sign since she will probably lose her job. Agree or not?

Lastly, I don't know if I should expend energy trying to get her to help pay the shared bills or let her "dig her own grave," if a judge sees it that way. Any advice?

[ocean]

Put the house up for sale...
If the bill does not get paid, both of your credits would be ruined. Does she care about that?

I would not sign her paperwork until she pays this months bills. She is playing hard ball, play it back. If you care about your credit, pay the bills for as long as you can. Start the divorce paperwork to make sure they house gets sold (going to take months in court so start it now).

You probably wont get any credit for paying the bills in full now as you are both in the house.

As for the car, trade it in or refi under your name only if you want the car.

[baltimore_father]

Thanks all! Moving right along.... I got a free initial consultation from local lawyer and was told my child support payments (assuming the judge decides joint custody, as he thinks he/she will) will be $500. He said that payment will be decreased by whatever I pay in child care ($300), therefore my payments (if I choose to pay child care myself) will be $200.00. My question is... what happens after my child no longer attends child care? Do I still have to pay $500.00?

[ocean]

Usually child care is split between both parents and most stated add that too the child support number....so little confused on what lawyer is telling you.

Only agree to an order that separates it. Child support will be xx and child care xx paid directly to the provider. That way when child stops going, you stop paying.   If you have it combined than you will have to go to court to try and get it lowered later on, and while you are fighting it out in court, it is still taken out of your check. You will not get that money back.

Also, pay the daycare right now directly, with receipts. Just go , and pay your share. All "child support payments" for now should be put into a account. Most states will say whatever you pay her now will be considered a gift and not be credited. (You will be forced to pay again).

Did either of you start a court case? Usually child support starts on the date of filing...(so it will be backdated once the case is settled).

[baltimore_father]

I don't understand. If a judge decrees that I pay $500.00 a month in child support and I have a $300.00 a month child care payment, my lawyer (ok, I haven't yet retained his services) told me I could pay the child support payment and pay my wife the difference ($200.00) or I can pay her the full $500.00 and let her pay the child care. I'm assuming I have to continue to pay the full amount after my son leaves child care?

Another question I have for any ex or current military. Is my soon to ex automatically entitled to half my TSP? Like I alluded to earlier, I have not yet retained a lawyer and still need some insight to questions I have. Thanks in advance.

[ocean]

Daycare is usually add to the child support not subtracted. Why is your ex not paying some of the child care bill? She should have a percentage to pay as I am assuming she is working.

If you can, ask the order read XX for child support and XX for daycare directly paid to the facility and dad will get the credit on his taxes. Mom is not getting the money now so she should not be getting the money later.

[MixedBag]

Agree with Ocean.


As for the military side of it.....geez, it's been a while for me, retired military here.


My retirement was considered like PROPERTY.


and during mediation training, we were taught/warned that it was tricky to write a "Qualified Domestic Relations Order" so that DFAS would truly understand what is yours and what belongs to the spouse. 


Like I said, it's been a while.


Start looking for places that give you information on your military retirement/thrift savings plan and how divorce affects the spouse's entitlements etc.


Here in Alabama, again when I went through mediation training in 2006, I learned that in order for any 401K or retirement plan to be divided by the courts, the marriage had to last for 10 years.  That has nothing to do with the military (Federal level), BUT since (with EX#3) we were married for less than 10 years, and that meant that legally, the court would not award me any of his retirement savings even though WE were married for his entire (policeman) career up to that point.  So "HE" had like $15K saved up that came out of his paycheck -- which went to our marital pot of money that I couldn't touch.  (Felt like THAT wasn't fair to me since I sacraficed day to day in order to save too).


Start digging for how your state handles a retirement plan savings account like a 401K. 


then dig for what the spouse might be entitled to directly from the military -- like IF I remember correctly, if it ws a 20 year marriage, 20 years of service -- then DFAS might pay her directly?   Your retirement is property -- not income.


Even now, my retirement income is reported on a 1099R and is not considered "income" -- that only comes from a W-2, or self-employment, or as a contractor.  It's considered a RETIREMENT.


Hope that makes sense.


And I totally agree with Ocean ...  child support is one thing, day care is added on TOP.    And be careful, because the NCP does not get to take any day care expenses off on their taxes if they don't claim the dependent child as well.

[DadsCrushed]

Your spouse is entitled to a percentage of your TSP from the time you were married to the divorce order. Prior to marriage is not a marital asset