A custody mess......

[maggiejames]

okay this one is going to take a few to read...any help would be greatly appreciated.....twice this year i have been taken to court for custody of my 10 year old son by his father. the first time was in feb. the order was for joint custody with me being primary custodian, liberal vistation with his father and a the bulk of the summer. shortly after the first hearing i had ended an 8 eight year relationship and started rebuilding my life with my children. During the course of this relationship we had two children.  who are now 7 and almost 3.  There had been alot of financial deficulties and other problems. I found out about an affair he had been having for a few months and i ended the relationship about a month after the first custody hearing with my 10 year old's father. I was working two jobs and did end up losing one due to the irresponsiblity of my youngest children's father. So i started about rebulding my life. I was in default in my student loans and ended up being accepting into a new program that got me out of default and me being able to recieve back taxes for the last two years. So even though i had lost one job and was only working part time with the other job. I was able to still take care of my bills and few off a few things. which was strenghting my financial status. Unfortunately i was looking for a new place to live becuase i couldn't afford the rent where i was living. I ended up with two places i could move one was in public housing, and one was a small apartment in town....during this period my best friend introduced me to a friend of hers. we were talking for a couple of months and then started dating. We fell in love with each other. He treats me and my children like we are gold.  We were discussing moving in together but were going to do this a little later down the road when there was some bad weather that hit the area flooding alot of towns. Where i was living was under danger was flooding so my new BF was helping me get things out of the garage and my basement. he was in a safe zone so we were putting my things in his garage. we were discussing this and instead of my moving to a new place and then later into his. we decided to skip the middle place and move in together at that time. also duing this time he asked me to marry him and i said yes. We just have not picked a date or made an official announcement. My family lives in other states and i've asked them to give me a time frame that they would be able to take time from work to come here for the wedding before setting a date.  Me and my financee have also gone over money issues. He has a good paying good where i don't have to work if i don't want to and we both believe that me being home until at least the youngest is in school is beneficial to the kids. I love being a homemaker and mothe and not working two jobs so i can spend time with my kids and do things for them. another change was before my kids were not involved in outside activities. me and the ex  didn't have a car or extra money for the kids to do anything. but now they can. they have joined boy scouts and martial arts. They love doing these things. My financee has a car and we are in the process of getting a second vehicle. In the middle of this we are dealing with issue with my 7 year old who misses his dad and still wnats the two of us to be together. i have started him in counceling.  during the course of this year i did keep my 10 year old's father informed of changes taking place. when me and my children moved in with my fiancee there was a change of schools. this was an issue with my son't dad. but iit is still in the same school district with the same academic programs like tutoring and such...but because he had an issue with it. we did have the option of keeping in the same elementary we would just have to provide the transportation. i told my 10 year old's dad this and we were willing to do this so ease his issues with it. he said it was too much to ask of anyone and my son was willing to give the new school a try. so he went to the new school. the out of the blue in august i get the notice that my 10 year's dad was taking me to course again to get custody of our son. we went to the special master's hearing and his recommendation was that my son go with his dad..i appealed it. we went to court last thursday. his compelling reasons for requesting primary custodianship was the changes in my life and that i'm unstable.  yes there have been changes but my life has been inproved since the last time we were in court. unfortunately he was awarded primary and i had to hand my son over on sun.  I"m completely crushed and at a loss on what to do get this fixed. My 7 year old is completely crushed as well. when we had to tell him friday night that his brother was moving to md he went crazy. kicking and screaming, locking himself in the bathroom. i got hit in the eye. he wouldn't talk to anyone but his brother. the rest of the weekend he was ignoring what was going on. this morning he got to school late because he didn't want to go to school without his brother and was trying to pretend sicker than he was. he put up quite a fight. but he got there finally. the other issue is now my son lives out of state i'm in Pa and my son is in MD. his father did live in PA until last summer. he moved to md to take a new job and move in with his GF who is now his financee. he asked me if i would let him take our son with him. and i said no. and thats when all the custody things started.  of course there is alot of things involved in this. i just need help and a starting point. i'm reading alot of things online. but most of what i'm reading involving custody modification and separating half sibling is when the compelling reasons are detrimental changes...like alienation, or living conditions and life styles have deteriorated. abuse and such...in my situation life improved. and my children were all happier. they were getting more involved in things, coming out of their shells and seemed to be enjoying life more. yes i'm in a new relationship with a man i'm marring who my children get along great with. i no longer have to work two jobs to make ends meet and i have more time to be involved with my kids. i' have paid some bills off and we are on top of my finances. a car, and second one being gotten...the place where we are now i have a better family support system because we are surrounded by my fiancee's family.  even a much bigger yard for my children to romp around in building tree forts and exploring the woods.  well thank you if you are reading this and any help would be very much appreciated . i need to get my family back together and make my children happy again.

PA Mom

[4honor]

First, If you want more replies, break up your posts into blocks/paragraphs for easier reading.

Secondly, is the change in custody "temporary" or does the order say "final"?

If the order is final, you can do nothing except take every moment of time you can with your son.

You can check your state laws/statutes for the criteria for chanign custody and see if the criteria were used in your instance (but the judge can consider teh criteria without specifically stating the criteria and ticking them off). Appeals are VERY expensive and the likelihood of overturning a judge on appeal, especially if you did not object to things in court, are very slim. You also only have a short amount of time to appeal.

You may very well be "stuck" as an NCP (non-custodial parent). It sucks, it hurts, and that's the way it is.

For your own sanity, get on a schedule and keep it. Get SPECIFIC times to call your child. Get SPECIFIC times you are to spend with your child. Get your ex to agree a first right of refusal when he cannot be with your son on his time -- so that you are offered that time first.

Get yourself come counseling and maybe take a co-parenting class. Try to minimize the conflict between you and your ex. Your son will only benefit from it.

[maggiejames]

Thank you for responding. And you are right it does suck, and hurts to untold depth.

No it was a final order. and this was the second time this year i was taken to court. I won the first time. and lost the second time.

and if i'm reading everything right and there has to be a substantial change in circumstances to warrant a change in the primary custodian. Yes i had changes but none of them were detriimental to my children. In fact they had improved our life.

My lawyer did try to object to many things. but the judge didn't seem to be hearing him.  So now i also have children at home who have been hurt tremendlessly by this change.

we have been able to work out everything between us fine for 9 years. we were never married and i was raising our son. Until he moved to MD from PA to live with his girlfriend now financee. and asked me to let him take our son with him because he was his only children. because his GF had made the decision not to have children

and i had other children so me letting him take our son shouldn't be a  problem. His thinking on this matter was off.

the one thing i can say is i have bent over backwards to accomodate him and help him build his relationship with our son. the judge even comment in the first time around that it was due to me that him and his son had a good relationship.

from reading it does say that the parent who would be more accomodating in helping the relationship between the ncp and the chlld in which parent shoud be primary.

as for first refusal i live in PA and he lives in MD. we are about 3 hours apart.

I also don't understand separating the children even if they are half siblings they have been raised together and i'm afraid this may cause some damage. it has already caused major pain for my 7 year old. who has been throwing major fits because his brother is leaving to locking myself in the bathroom because he didn't want him to go

in fact he would only take to his brother. i had trouble getting him to school today because his brother wasn't here. and ended up driving him to school late. I had a talk with the principal to let him know what was going on because my son had been running the gamet of bad behavior to ignoring what was going on

I don't know what to expect from minute to the next on how he is going to react. i already have him in counceling on a different matter. and i'm hoping this will help

at this point i don't care if i bankrupt myself to fix this. i don't think this i best for my son. he had been taken from me , his home the area he has lived in his whole life, his brothers and sisters and new to a whole different place. so much for continuenty.

I know i'm rambling ...but this has been hard on all of us..

okay you said about breaking up into paragraphs. should i just repost my orginal post then?

thank you very much
PA Mom

[maggiejames]

okay this one is going to take a few to read...any help would be greatly appreciated....

.twice this year i have been taken to court for custody of my 10 year old son by his father. the first time was in feb. the order was for joint custody with me being primary custodian, liberal vistation with his father and a the bulk of the summer.

 shortly after the first hearing i had ended an 8 eight year relationship and started rebuilding my life with my children. During the course of this relationship we had two children. who are now 7 and almost 3.

There had been alot of financial deficulties and other problems. I found out about an affair he had been having for a few months and i ended the relationship about a month after the first custody hearing with my 10 year old's father.

I was working two jobs and did end up losing one due to the irresponsiblity of my youngest children's father. So i started about rebulding my life.

I was in default in my student loans and ended up being accepting into a new program that got me out of default and me being able to recieve back taxes for the last two years. So even though i had lost one job and was only working part time with the other job. I was able to still take care of my bills and few off a few things. which was strenghting my financial status.

Unfortunately i was looking for a new place to live becuase i couldn't afford the rent where i was living. I ended up with two places i could move one was in public housing, and one was a small apartment in town...

.during this period my best friend introduced me to a friend of hers. we were talking for a couple of months and then started dating. We fell in love with each other. He treats me and my children like we are gold. We were discussing moving in together but were going to do this a little later down the road

when there was some bad weather that hit the area flooding alot of towns. Where i was living was under danger was flooding so my new BF was helping me get things out of the garage and my basement. he was in a safe zone so we were putting my things in his garage. we were discussing this and instead of my moving to a new place and then later into his. we decided to skip the middle place and move in together at that time.

 also duing this time he asked me to marry him and i said yes. We just have not picked a date or made an official announcement. My family lives in other states and i've asked them to give me a time frame that they would be able to take time from work to come here for the wedding before setting a date.

Me and my financee have also gone over money issues. He has a good paying good where i don't have to work if i don't want to and we both believe that me being home until at least the youngest is in school is beneficial to the kids. I love being a homemaker and mothe and not working two jobs so i can spend time with my kids and do things for them.

 another change was before my kids were not involved in outside activities. me and the ex didn't have a car or extra money for the kids to do anything. but now they can. they have joined boy scouts and martial arts. They love doing these things. My financee has a car and we are in the process of getting a second vehicle.

In the middle of this we are dealing with issue with my 7 year old who misses his dad and still wnats the two of us to be together. i have started him in counceling. during the course of this year i did keep my 10 year old's father informed of changes taking place.

when me and my children moved in with my fiancee there was a change of schools. this was an issue with my son't dad. but iit is still in the same school district with the same academic programs like tutoring and such...but because he had an issue with it. we did have the option of keeping in the same elementary we would just have to provide the transportation.

 i told my 10 year old's dad this and we were willing to do this so ease his issues with it. he said it was too much to ask of anyone and my son was willing to give the new school a try. so he went to the new school.

 the out of the blue in august i get the notice that my 10 year's dad was taking me to court again to get custody of our son. we went to the special master's hearing and his recommendation was that my son go with his dad..i appealed it.

 we went to court last thursday. his compelling reasons for requesting primary custodianship was the changes in my life and that i'm unstable. yes there have been changes but my life has been inproved since the last time we were in court. unfortunately he was awarded primary and i had to hand my son over on sun

. I"m completely crushed and at a loss on what to do get this fixed. My 7 year old is completely crushed as well. when we had to tell him friday night that his brother was moving to md he went crazy. kicking and screaming, locking himself in the bathroom. i got hit in the eye. he wouldn't talk to anyone but his brother. the rest of the weekend he was ignoring what was going on.

this morning he got to school late because he didn't want to go to school without his brother and was trying to pretend sicker than he was. he put up quite a fight. but he got there finally.

the other issue is now my son lives out of state i'm in Pa and my son is in MD. his father did live in PA until last summer. he moved to md to take a new job and move in with his GF who is now his financee. he asked me if i would let him take our son with him. and i said no. and thats when all the custody things started. of course there is alot of things involved in this.

 i just need help and a starting point. i'm reading alot of things online. but most of what i'm reading involving custody modification and separating half sibling is when the compelling reasons are detrimental changes...like alienation, or living conditions and life styles have deteriorated. abuse and such...

in my situation life improved. and my children were all happier. they were getting more involved in things, coming out of their shells and seemed to be enjoying life more. yes i'm in a new relationship with a man i'm marring who my children get along great with. i no longer have to work two jobs to make ends meet and i have more time to be involved with my kids.

i' have paid some bills off and we are on top of my finances. a car, and second one being gotten...the place where we are now i have a better family support system because we are surrounded by my fiancee's family. even a much bigger yard for my children to romp around in building tree forts and exploring the woods. well thank you if you are reading this and any help would be very much appreciated . i need to get my family back together and make my children happy again.

PA Mom

[4honor]

This is not a personal slam, but an unbiased just-the-facts observation of what went on.

OK, the fact that you moved in with a man and lost a job and your household was in upheaval WAS a substantial change in the circumstances of your child... one that is looked at negatively in the courts' eyes.

The judge does not look at your family as a whole, but at the child in question and whether the CHILD will benefit more from a change to a father that loves him and has a good relationship with him, or a staying in what is not necessarily a stable home. (If he is already in an unstable home, how much detriment will he suffer if he changes to an apparently more stable home?) They are trying to weigh out the factors and "predict" the unpredictable. Not necessarily fair or right, but it is considered "justice".

Your 7 year old is not only dealing with the extraction of his brother, but the introduction of a new man into the picture on a much broader scale than he has had previously, the change in schools and the general feeling of life being out of control. Counseling can help.

Your older son may benefit greatly from being with his father at this time of his life. There are many things you can do to maintain your relationship with your son and the relationships between your son and his younger siblings.

I suggest you do not mention to -- or in the presence of -- the younger kids any hint of appealing the court's decision. Do not take them on that rollercoaster ride with you. If you have not already, file a motion for reconsideration, remembering that they are rarely granted.

On the other hand, you could simply decide to settle in and work things out for the long haul. More upheaval may or may not be what is in the best interests of the younger siblings, and appealing the decision WILL cause financial, emotional and psychologcial upheaval to you and your fiance' even if you can keep the kids in the dark about it.

Three hours travel is nothing; we have done 3 hours EOW for the last 10 years. And right of first refusal does work for longer periods of time. DH has actually made the 6 hr round trip for 2 or 3 hours of something important that BM was unable to attend with SS, as well as we were given first shot when BM had fairs or conferences for her job.

We never had the FROR in the order, BUT we drummed the idea into BM's head for 5 years before she decided it was a good idea and kept with it.

[Sherry1]

and it sounds like the poster has 3 different kids by 3 different dads and now living with yet another guy.  Even though the poster is probably a good person, this doesn't look like a very stable environment for a judge who is trying to determine custody.

I also agree that the poster just  needs to settle in and make her visits with her son as good as they can be.