Father with no rights at the hand of Biomom

[DButcher]

alright, so right now i am posting this for my husband, who is in the middle of a huge battle with his ex-wife and the mother (we'll call her Biomom) of his eight-year-old daughter (we'll call her Girl).

a little backstory? they divorced seven years ago and devised a parenting plan with Biomom as the custodial that offered clear visitation dates, child support specifications and upbringing rules, so that both parents would feel important and have a hand at Girl's upbringing, despite my husband (who we will call Daddy) not being able to visit her as often as he would like (he was in the military for nine years and thus deployed and moved a LOT, leaving him without a wildly stable home for Girl to come visit for long periods).

since the divorce was final the parenting plan has gone completely into the wayside with Biomom literally refusing to let Daddy visit Girl without either his mum or herself there to supervise (which there is no explanation for, except for the fact that Biomom is a wild hypochondriac. more on that later.) last year, Daddy didn't see Girl even one single time and MAYBE got ten photos of her total in all 365 days. he asked and asked Biomom to help him plan and she would not budge. the issue with us now, is that Daddy has gotten out of the military and is currently unemployed, receiving VA benefits and school grants and loans every month as he is going to school full time. we simply cannot afford to pay for an entire ticket and with Biomom and her husband raking in nearly seventy grand a year, we don't feel it's a lot to ask for her to pay half of a ticket (which actually IS a lot of work, because Biomom legitimately is neurotic and won't let Girl fly because she's worried she'll get sick or lost or die somehow. so flying isn't an option and neither is her driving to meet us halfway or any other means of getting Girl up to visit us, making it virtually impossible for us to see her, unless we want to drive two days to pick her up and then two days to come back up her and then do that trip again to take her home!)

that's just the start of it though... let's get to the meat and potatoes of this issue...

so, in September, Biomom had Girl ring us and ask if she could be homeschooled. Daddy spoke to Biomom and told her no, absolutely not. Biomom explained that the reason she was asking was because Girl was being bullied at school (said bullying, apparently came in the form of Girl's teacher telling Girl, after she missed a few answers on a quiz, to try and do better next time. OH MY GOD HOW COULD SHE BULLY HER LIKE THAT?! SHE SHOULD LOSE HER JOB!) and stated that SHE would be the one to teach her... again, the answer was no.

anyways, this story, as far as we were concerned, was over until December.

in the middle of December, Biomom and i were texting (as, up until last month, we had a pretty great and communicative relationship) and she had told me that she had taken Girl out of the school she was in and had enrolled her into something called a Charter School (which, if you're not familiar, is a private-style school where, according to Biomom, the students meet with a teacher three days a week as a class and the other two days are spent with a teacher on a one-on-one basis). she also told me that the reason she had pulled Girl out was because there was an explosives scare on the school grounds.

and THAT was the day that i began harassing Daddy to call BOTH of Girl's schools to figure out what the heck was going on. that was ALSO when i took out ALL of his court paperwork from the divorce and read the HECK out of it to find out that it clearly states ANY education decisions at all are to be made jointly and if they are not, the offending parent shall be held in contempt of court.

it took until the middle of January for him to finally call and find out that Biomom had taken Girl out of public school at the beginning of October and that the reason she took her out was ACTUALLY because Girl had missed SO MANY days of school that Biomom was going to be taken to an Absence Review Board to get to the bottom of all of her absences. Biomom didn't want to deal with that, she she just took Girl out and been homeschooling her since the withdrawal (the charter school, which she WAS enrolled in, only asked her to meet with a teacher for one hour per week, the rest of it was all homeschooling). there was no explosives scare and also no "bullying" by a teacher, nothing.

in fact, the secretary at the school she was pulled out of was SO aware of Biomom that she was VERY willing to help us with anything we needed.

anyways, that day, Daddy texted Biomom and asked her why she was homeschooling Girl despite him telling her he didn't want her to and she refused to respond. she said she had nothing to say to him. the next day she emailed Daddy and said she was going to change her mobile number and if he wanted to remain in touch with Girl he would have to buy her a phone and send it to her so they could schedule calling times.

immediately, we went to the courthouse and filed paperwork to take her to court in contempt of their court order... which is a no-brainer. she clearly violated it, so when we go to court tomorrow, she'll be found in contempt and have heck to pay.

she's since put Girl back in school and the secretary at the school is being amazing and sending us EVERYTHING they have on file for Girl at all so we'll have it for court. we got the documentation today and were interested to find that not only is Daddy not listed as ANY kind of contact for Girl (not even an emergency contact. Biomom's new husband is listed as Girl's dad on the paperwork and enrollment forms), but there is a VERY huge issue with Girl's attendance. she missed, in one month, seven days of school, five of which were unexcused. the secretary at the school advised us that if Girl misses even one more single day of school, Biomom will be forced to go in front of the state for neglect... we don't even know what that means in terms of Biomom and her rights with Girl.

from there, there's clear stipulations for what Biomom needs to do to to move Girl out of the state, which she is planning to do soon... and if she doesn't do it to the EXACT point, we'll take her to court again, which will, because of the laws (stating that if the custodial parent is found in contempt twice in three years), mean Girl will be granted to us as the custodial parents.

whew!

after all that (which i DO apologize for, i know it's a boat-ton), what do you think? there's no reason that she'll get away with this, right? Biomom is crazy (literally, she has taken Girl to the emergency room no less than fifteen times since the beginning of the year... she is NUTS!). i just worry so much about the household that she is being raised in... she's only eight and all the visits to the emergency room and "illnesses" and education issues compounded on the fact that she won't let Girl visit Daddy EVER really make me feel like we've got an easy case to have Girl live with us as the custodial parents.

what do you think?

[ocean]

You are in for a shock on how family court works. What exactly did you file in court and what are you asking for? Most times the mother is just told "hey, don't do that again". The school should be calling child protective services if attendance is an issue. Even then, social service will help any issues of getting her to school on time. You may never know there is an open case as they usually do not call the other parent. Keep with the school and they may tell you and then can call the social worker. Ask to speak to the principal or social worker and ask that if they ever call that your information be given to the state worker. It takes a lot to take a child away, especially a mother.

If you live far now, ask to modify the orders and ask for most of the summer. You can go pick her up, keep her for 6-8 weeks and then drive her back. You can ask for a break in child support for travel costs, may not get it but can ask since he was military before. You can file contempt that she is not following court order and in the papers ask for makeup time. 

Good luck tomorrow, let us know how it goes. What state is this in?

[MixedBag]

What ocean said....




First -- UNFORTUNATELY -- you're not alone and there are many horrible custodial parents who do this to the children -- and Family Court lets them get away with it.


So.....sorry, but I'm retired military....and while everyone's circumstances is different, .... and my son lived 750 miles away, my daughter's father lived all over the (flippin) place each year -- paying for two round trip tickets (for the two daughters once a year to pay my half) was an obligation I had to the girls.  In the last years, I saw my son once a month....either I went there, or he flew here.....get the drift.


You gotta (no, DAD must) make room in his budget for his child(ren).


Now....pull out the order, and file a motion to enforce parenting time -- or maybe file a motion to establish a long distance parenting plan.


the first time -- be prepared to accompany the child to and from your location -- probably unnecessary, but it will curtail the CP's complaint about flying etc... 


The school stuff.....keep a close eye on it.


the medical stuff....working with another parent just last week to get them added as a parent to their child's records all over town....so Dad is not alone.


Good luck...come here, vent, and we'll do our best to cut through the fluff (normal crapola), and to what the court should think is important.

[DButcher]

heya!! sorry it took me so long to get back on here, things have gone from bad to tremendously worse!

so, we went to court last Monday and the judge moved the date to the first of April because, according to her, Biomom has the possibility to go to jail because of this, so she needed to find out if she was eligible for a court-appointed lawyer.

since Monday... hrm. let me tell you!

Wednesday, Biomom called and said that Girl fell off of her scooter and broke her knee and that they were in the emergency room again. later on in the evening Biomom emailed the x-ray and said it was just a sprain but that there was an "anomaly" in it (which could not be seen by Daddy, who is studying Radiology right now) that may or may not be some sort of rare disease. they're waiting for results and she'll let us know, but she really feels like she needed to tell Daddy because it's the right thing to do... even though Daddy isn't doing the right thing.

when he asked her what she meant, she said that Girl has now been thrown into such a depressive spiral because she was up here for court for three days that they now have to go to therapy.

Friday Biomom called to inform my husband that Girl now might have cancer. when she informed my husband of this, i told him to text and ask for the name of the doctor they saw so that he could speak to the doctor... Biomom then officially lost her mind and called my mother-in-law to have her inform my husband that he is now "harassing" her and that he has no right to know anything about Girl's health issues because he doesn't provide healthcare (this is apparently the only leg she thinks she has to stand on... the alleged healthcare that Daddy is ordered to provide. unfortunately, Biomom hasn't read the parenting plan very well, because it clearly says that he doesn't need to provide it because he's on unemployment... a fact that has now officially been confirmed in writing by Child Support Services).

Biomom is now refusing to talk to anybody... me, Daddy or his mum. she is also living in the grand illusion that the judge is just going to drop the case and cancel the court date for the first of April.

it should be noted that Biomom is also refusing to answer any of my husband's calls to speak to his daughter... he has only spoken to her one single time since January 28th... the rest of the calls have been ignored and not returned. we're just maintaining a solid front... calling, leaving cordial messages and documenting every single tiny thing.

OH! also?! Biomom has decided, apparently, that she doesn't need to contact Daddy to have him approve them moving states at the end of next month. i guess she just plans on moving and quite blatantly shooting herself in the foot.

also, in answer to Ocean, we're in Washington state.

[ocean]

Call the school, ask the to speak to nurse. Have nurse check leg or tell you if any notes came in about no gym or recess.
If she is threatening to move, you can ask for an emergency hearing (ex parte) for child not to be removed from home school district. Where is she going? Closer to you?

Court, see.... hearings will be pushed off and even next month prob won't happen. You will stand outside, go in for a few minutes, ask what is going on, then see if you can agree to something before a trial is set. Judge had to tell her right to lawyer as it is a criminal charge BUT usually nothing comes of it.

What is the contempt papers for? (schooling? moving? attendance? no visits?)...you can add to the paperwork you have now so they can deal with all the above issues. The courts will only deal with what you put into the paperwork (although some judges just do what they want... )

[DButcher]

we actually went a step further and contacted the hospital on the military base and Girl's medical records are flying their way to us right now so we can take them to our appointment with a lawyer this Friday. Girl DID miss school the two days after her knee issue, so we'll see. that's a good idea to have Daddy call the school nurse to check on notes from the doctor... thanks!

there's no threat to move, her husband is in the military and he IS moving duty stations to Texas, which will be another full day's drive away (right now she's about seventeen hours away from us and one hour away from Daddy's mum. when they move, they'll be twenty-six hours from us and seventeen hours from Daddy's mum). Biomom KNOWS she needs to have approval from my husband prior to moving... i have an email from her saying she knows that. also, her husband has moved duty stations twice with her following the stipulations, so she has no way to plead ignorance.

the judge isn't pushing the hearing anymore. when we went in last she said that we will go ahead with the hearing on the first weather or not Biomom has a lawyer.

currently, the only paperwork we've filed are contempt paperwork for Biomom taking Girl out of school against my husband's wishes when it clearly states in the parenting plan that any educations decisions are to be joint. when we go see the lawyer this week we'll find out what else we can try to take care of on the first, so we'll see. we want to change the parenting plan and stuff, so watch this space.