Getting Full Custody

[nvusone]

hello, i am the Sm of 2 wonderful children in one bad situation. 6 yrs ago my hubby got divorced and unfortunetly the birth mother got primary custody. There have been many situations where my step children have not (as i see it) been properly cared for. For instance, we live in kentucky, the other night it was around 20*F outside, we had to go get some papers from the birth mother. Inside their house it was very cold. In a 2 bedroom house she only had one electric heater on. We pay child support, but do not see any improvements in the home or in what our children have at all.
 We want to get custody of these children, for we know we can provide a more loving home, more stable enviroment and a better atmosphere than the mother can. We dont know where to start on getting custody of the children. We cant afford a high dollar lawyer. (when they 1st got divorced my hubby had one and he dropped the case at the very end of it). Anyways, we need some help learning how to go about starting this whole process. We are willing to do whatever it takes.
     Thanks and hope to hear some feedback soon.

[Sherry1]

from the other parent, and the answer is always the same.

Unless you have documented proof of drug abuse, drug use, domestic violence, emotional/physical/verbal abuse, a judge is likely not going to award you custody.  If you are prepared for a full custody trial, which could cost upwards of $50,000 then you might have a chance.  Having an electric heater in the house instead of using the home heater is not grounds for a custody reversal.

[williaer]

I think the best advice is to start slowly increasing the amount of time that they are with you. What do you have now-50-50 or something else? If you have less than 50-50, you need to work up to at least that and then try for more. It is unlikely that you will ever be legally awarded more than 50-50. Is she such a bad mother that you think she should only have her children 4 days a month? I try to look at it like this- how would I feel if someone took my children away and told me I could only see them every other weekend...It's not a fair arrangement for anyone. I think the only way to go from sole custody of one to sole custody to the other is:
Death
Agreement of the sole custodian
inprisonment of the sole custodian

outside of one of those circumstances- you're most likely to get 50-50 or less.

[nvusone]

I undrestand your alls view on this. as alot of people have told us the same. But when you have pictures of your 5 yr old daughter with numerous cigarette burns on her chest you cant help but think that she is an unfit parent. Now, when my husband found the burns of course he went straight to the police tool pictures the whole nine yards just to have the CHR tell him that wasnt bad enough to remove the kids. There have been many situations where something like that has occured but we keep getting told its not good enough. I would have no problem with the kids not seeing their real mother ever again.
Does the fact that the kids want to be here and we have to force them to go back there with tears in their eyes have anything to do with us getting custody. Theyre 9 and 8 now.

About the heater thing, i lived like that, we would have about 3 or 4 heaters and thats how we stayed warm. This house was about 25*F. Not very warm at all and my step children were freezing, asking if they could go sit in the truck to warm up. anyone that has children and saw them like that wouldnt be very happy. I just need to know how to get the whole process started.

Thanks for everyones advice though.

[Kitty C.]

If you're attempting to expose any neglect or abuse, you must have it come from an objective 3rd party, such as a teacher or someone NOT related to anyone in the family.  Otherwise it's looked upon by authorities as just another disgruntled NCP (regardless of the circumstances, that's often how they see it).

An objective 3rd party doesn't have an investment in the relationship, thus they are able to give more information without interjecting any emotion into the situation.  But I will warn you, depending on what state you're in and how they deal with abuse and neglect cases, it's still a long shot.  There may have to be numerous reports before any action, at all, is taken.  You just have to be diligent.

[nvusone]

Thanks again for the advice. This is a very stressful thing for me to even concider, whether we want to put the kids through this or not and all the other decisions are laid on me. I dont want to hurt the children or make them hate me or their father, we both know theyre always going to love their mother, but we want them to have the best life possible. Down here, we have resources available to us that the mother can not get. We live in a rather large city and i have found that theres many people willing to help us. Where the mother and the children live is widely known as the poorest county in kentucky. I just with there was another way to do this without putting us, the children, and our families through a bloody custody battle. But anyways, thanks again.

[Sherry1]

a custody battle on your hands and probably an expensive one.  Once the children reach a certain age, i.e., 14 or 15, a judge may let them choose.  And even documented proof does not necesarrily constitute a custody reversal.  A lot of times the CP just gets a slap on their hands and told to do better.

[backwardsbike]

Iam one of those mothers who is "bad enough" to only see her kids four days a month.

I am a NCM of two teens.  What did I do that was so bad?  I married a guy with a criminal record and a mental health condition.  Why?  Becasue he was undiagnosed and one of the best people I ever met in terms of being able to put others first and in terms of creating loving relationships. He is now treated for his mental health condition, out of legal trouble for the last eight years.  COnsequently the same length of time since he has been diagnosed and on medications.

My whole mess started nine years ago.  Dad, who is now the CP, had no problem with me being primary for the first year and a half...until Ihad to file for CS due to the fact that my DH was working six days a week and we still couldn't put food on the table.  X is wealthy.  I settled for $126.00 every two weeks.  Like i said, I just needed a way to put food on the table.  I had even asked X if he could send a bag of groceries every two weeks like you do to a babysitter but he said since I left him it was my problem.  DH and I were expecting our first by then and my X didn't want that "bas^&rd child" eating HIS food.

So we went for a custody eval.  he won.  he could provide all the "good thing" in life that 70K a year makes possible.

My children are now depressed.  They are alienated.  We have been back to ocurt so many times you could paper a whole house with all the pleadings motions etc etc etc.

I have had the kids for the last six years-four days a month, half of all summers half of all school breaks.  Dad has been investigated by CYS for not filling DD's allergy meds in 18 months, for sending her to school in shoes that had holes in the sole so big that you could put your fist inside them ( Yes, I pay child support even tought I am on disabiltiy and paying makes me eligible for food stamps) Son had to be taken to the doc by ME for a weight loss of 20 pounds in a matter of months.  The cause-depression due to the relationship between his parents.His dad didn't think he needed to be seen by a doc.  I almost had to get a court order allowing me to take him becasue X cancelled the appointment twice.  Then the doc stepped in and said if I don't see the child I'M going to get a court order.

Ihave been investigated by CYS twice in this time. Both reports called in by CP becasue he can't stand that I get to see the kids for four days a month.  Both unfounded!  All children ( the two nc and the two my Dh and I have together) are safe here.

That first custody eval said dad was the better parent becasue he has more $$$$.  Now a GAL has been appointed becasue the judge thinks the kids, now 17 and 14 are too alienated and fearful of thier dad to make thier true wishes known.

My X married a woman who goes around saying "our" children. and letting everyone who will listen toher know that SHE is the one who takes care of these kids.  Well people have finally, after nine years, figured her out.  At a recent boy schout awards ceremoney my X came forward along with me to stand with our son as he got an award.  SM had to be in on the act.  She foolishly squeezed herself onto the stage to stand near X during the presentation.  SHe is NOT a small woman and she looked a sridiculous as this sounds.  The scout master turned his back on both of them while my son pinned the mother's pin on my shoulder.  There is on one MOTHER, even if she is only allowed to see her kids for four days a month. My X dn the SM beat a hasty retreat after that one.  She became and remains a laughingstock.

If you are concerned about your STEP kids maybe you should consider asking mom if she needs some help.  DO you think she LIKES living in a home that is only 25 degress above zero?  If you're husband is paying CS and it isn't enough maybe this woman needs some funding thru LIHEAP or some other program.

If your real motivation is the welfare of these kids maybe you should consider speaking to mom adult to adult.  She what the problems are adn see if there is a way to work them out for the benefit of the kids.  SHe may well allow more time to you adn your Dh willingly if she doesn't perveive that you are trying to take the kids away from her.

Cooperation is the key here. Not lengthy court battels.  Litgation only hurts the children.

And please examine your heart.  Why do you want these kids in your home?  Don't tell me.  Just be honest with yourself.  Please, for the sake of the kids, curb your insticts if the answer is that you think you are the better parent  Kids need their mom adn thier dad.  And if they are lucky enought to have STEP parents then there are places for them in thier lives.  But a STEP parent will never be the PARENT.  And these kids will never be "ours". They will be HIS and his X's.

[mistoffolees]

Wow. I can't imagine that they'd see a police report and photos of cigarette burns and not even investigate.

My first advice would have been to go to the state agency, but it sounds like they're not going to be much help. I would say your next step is to see an attorney. They can tell you what your chances are and what you need to do. More importantly, you might get more response out of the State if you have an attorney on your side.

Good luck.