Joint custody in North Carolina

[olegkap]

Hi,

We getting separated and we have one child together.
We are not married.

I want to get joint custody with our 7 month old daugther but she wants sole custody only.
It seems like we would have to go to court.

My questions are:
1. How and where I can find good lawyer that has experience with joint child custody cases in North Carolina?

2. How common it is in North Carolina to get joint custody?

3. May be this question not for this forum but just a thought. Why it is consider that mother gets custody? If we both her legal parents we both taken care of her equally, there is nothing that mother does that I cant do (she doesn't breastfead). Can this be consider as discrimination based on sex, since we both take care of our daugther equally?

Thanks,
Oleg

[WHN]

I don't have an answer for your first two questions, I'm on the wrong coast to know much in that realm.  
As far as your third question, if your daughter wasn't so young I'd say there's nothing wrong with joint physical custody, but with a 7 month old, I'm not as sure.  I don't think you could really claim discrimination without educating yourself as much as possible on the subject.
I would suggest that you look up as much info on they psychological issues that could arise from bouncing a baby that young back and forth that way.  The differences between a mother's bond and a father's bond and what needs a baby has on those levels.  I didn't have to deal with that with my daughter because I was divorced before she was born and her daddy left it how it was but if I was in your shoes the first thing I'd look at is how Joint Custody works in your state, and then the effects that the schedule would have on your child.  
That's totally my opinion and certainly you have to do what you feel is right, but I thought I'd throw that out there as a point to ponder, you know?

Either way, the best of luck to you as well as your daughter.

[olegkap]

Thanks for reply.

As far as bouncing back and forth, it shouldnt be a problem cause we went to 2 different child sicologist and they confirmed its not a problem, its an old concept that this is a problem but recent research shows its ok, so from that point of view I think it should be ok.

Just wanted to share information I know already.
Anyway, thanks for you input.

Thanks,
Oleg

[janM]

Not sure about your state, but in most an unmarried mother has custody because there is no question she is the natural parent. An unmarried father has to prove paternity and ask the courts for his rights to his child. If you were married you would be presumed to be the father.

Ask a local attorney or the courthouse about what is needed to prove paternity, ie, a declaration, signed birth certificate, etc. The court may have the name of a good attorney, or check with the local bar association.

I know it seems a bit outdated, but proving paternity would be in your best interest, if it turned out not to be your child. Some married fathers find out years later that a child is not theirs and have been supporting them for years, but they are considered the father.

Kudos to you to want to parent equally with her. Too bad she won't agree to share, if she did you could file an agreement with the court. She probably sees the support you will be ordered to pay.

[williaer]

Maybe you could get her to agree to a graduated joint custody plan. With you having EOW and 1 night a week until she's 10 months and then 2 nights a week when she's a year and then week to week starting at 18 months or something....might make it more pallitable to her. I'd say if you throw in a reasonable $$$ amount she will be more amenable as well- sounds awful to bribe someone- but often that's what is boils down to.

[mistoffolees]

1. Try an internet search. You might find an attorney in your area who has published articles on the topic. Searching for 'father's rights' and your town name might be a good place to start.  You should also ask any divorced friends for recommendations of who to use (and who NOT to use). Other than that, maybe ask the local 'find a lawyer' service.

2. Your attorney can tell you - this is very, very dependent on the location (it also depeds on which judge you're assigned, and so on). In some states, joint legal custody is the default. In a few states (OK being one of them), joint physical custody is also the preferred default unless there's a good reason otherwise.

3. This is still true in some locations, but not everywhere. In some places, the father is on nearly equal footing. In general, it's a holdover from the days when the mother was the primary caregiver in almost all cases. The courts have taken the (correct, IMHO) position that the children need continuity and the primary caregiver is very important in that). HOWEVER, they've failed to notice that the world has changed. Not only are there millions of working mothers, but fathers are often more involved in child care. Today, it's not uncommon for the father to be the primary caregiver - or at least nearly equal to the mother.

SOME courts have taken notice of that and allocate physical custody on the basis of how much each parent participated in the care of the child. This leads to......

Advice (you didn't ask for this, but here it is, anyway):
Assuming that your court will be fair, you need to do everything you can to maximize your involvement with the child. The more you participate in its care, the better your chances for joint custody. Take her to the doctor when she needs her checkups. Spend time with her. And document everything (ideally with witnesses). You'll need to PROVE that you were greatly involved with her care. If you can do that, your chances of joint custody are greatly enhanced.

[jilly]

I'm in NC and my (now) DH and I weren't married when our DD was born.  At that time, he was listed as the Father on the BC and there was a notarized statement of paternity.  We were told this is done in case we ever split up they know who to go after for CS.

To the original poster:  What county in NC are you located? I know that Mecklenburg County has a self-help center.  They have seminars there showing you how to fill out paperwork, how to file and how to navigate the court system.  They also have attorneys that will provide limited services.  I think it's pro bono but I'm not sure.  I'd get a recommendation from the State Bar Association.  If you use an attorney they recommend, you will only be charged (I think) $30 for the first 30 minutes of a consultation.  You'd have to tell the attorney that you got his/her name from the Bar in order to get that price for an initial consultation.

Like PPs said, it's really going to depend on the county and/or the judge whether you get joint custody or not.  If you're in a smaller county, like near the coast, you're probably not going to get it.

[becky]

I don't know the answers to your questions either, but I can tell you that mediation is now mandated in NC in custody cases (finally).  It used to be much harder to get joint custody, but that is not so anymore.  You can get a consent order giving her physical custody with you both having joint legal custody.  CS is based only on the number of days your child would stay with you (greater than 123).  Good luck to you.  

[olegkap]

I know that I am the father and she also knows that. I signed bc and I think it counts here, in this sate at least, as I am her legal father (even if partinity test turned to be its not my child)

She agreed in the beginning that I have her something like 40%-35% of a time but in last argument I relaized she no longer want that.

Yes she want child support which she will get but probably not as much as she would like.

[olegkap]

We live in Wake county. Do you think I have a better chance here ?

thanks,
Oleg