Getting custody of my 10 year old daughter.

[Michelle1971]

Hi Everyone, This is my first time post here, or on any forum actually. I hope I do it correctly. This willl be a bit long so let me apologize in advance. I am a 35 yr old mother of 2 living in West Virginia.. Both girls ages 15 and 10. Im trying to divorce my alcoholic husband of 15 years.  He has been abusive to me in the past, hitting me a few times and mostly throwing things at me. The last few years it's only been emotional abuse to me and my girls. My eldest daughter Chelsea (15yo) is NOT his biological daughter. My youngest Rachael (10) is. Neither of the girls has a working parent/daughter relationship with him. Rachael his child won't be alone with him, never has wanted to. Won't go out anywhere with him alone, I have to go too. She says she doesn't trust him. I do NOT believe there is any sexual abuse here. Just trust issues because he has either ignored us for the last 10 years or complained about us being a neussence. He spends all of his time drinking in his bedroom playing computer games. He has his own bedroom because for the last 8 years I've been on the couch. I didnt want to sleep with him because of his drinking. I have been an at home Mom for the last 12 years. I have no applicable skills for a job. Over the years he would never help me get my drivers licence.  I have had to take my daughter, his step-daughter out of our home because she couldn't handle all this anymore. She is now living with her grandmother. I have a place to go with both my girls, but cant go till about the beginning to the middle of March. He knows I want a divorce. He doesn't want a divorce but I think he'll go with it uncontested. He's very jealous and possesive over me not the kids. I am worried just to hurt me he will try to get custody of Rachael. I am wondering if while Im still living in this house with him, can I get an emergency full custody order and where do I go to get it? Can I request supervised visitation because of his habitual drinking? Can I start the divorce while Im still here? He and I bought a house while we were in a working marrage, though I'm not on the mortgage, do I still have rights to this house? Do I have rights to half our tax check this year? Is alimony and spousal support the same thing? Is it possible for me to get that from him to help me get some skills under my belt? I am having trouble just getting into Legal Aide to speak with a lawyer. I know I qualify but they do take their time getting you in. Thank you for taking time to read this jumbled mess. I appreciate any advice anyone can give.
Have a great day!
Michelle

[mistoffolees]

You can start the divorce while still living there, but you can't start a custody hearing until you file for divorce.

General advice:
Get to see the attorney ASAP. In the meantime, you can post your questions on the Socrateaser forum:
http://deltabravo.net/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=106
Just keep your paragraphs short and get straight to the point.

Document everything. Witnesses (probably not the kids, though) are great. If you can get pictures or documents, that's even better (for example, can you get a picture of his pile of empty beer cans after a night of drinking?)

In most states, you're going to have rights to your share of the assets - even if you're not on the mortgage. In my state, for example, each spouse gets 50% of all marital assets (that is, assets that were accumulated during the marriage).

I would talk with Socrateaser or your attorney about the job issue. They might recommend that you wait until the divorce is final to get a job or they might suggest that you get one now. Follow their advice. Even if you aren't getting a job right away, think about what kind of job would interest you? Read up on it in the library. And so on.

Get a plan for your future. Is going back to school an option (if you and your soon-to-be-ex have enough money, it very well might be). Depening on his income and the state, you very well might get alimony (same thing as spousal support). In my state, for example, my stbx will probably get 3-4 years of alimony. It won't be enough to support her, but when combined with her income, she won't have to worry about money. Your situation is undoubtedly different, but make sure you discuss it with your lawyer.

The general advice is to not leave the house after you file for divorce. There is an exception made for situations where you have concerns about your physical safety or the safety of the kids, but discuss it with the attorney or Soc. The best thing is if you can get him to leave.

If your story is accurate and you don't have any skeletons in your own closet, you should do OK, but you're probably going to need a decent attorney. If you have enough family assets and your husband makes enough money, there's a good chance that you can get him to pay much of the cost. Some attorneys offer the first session for free - you might want to call around to talk to someone about your options rather than waiting for legal aid.

Good luck.

[Giggles]

I introduced Michelle to the board hoping she could find more advice than I knew to give.  Unfortunately, her financial situation is worse than dismal and bleak.  Her STBX is an extreme alcoholic and will purchase his alcohol prior to anything else being paid or even groceries being bought, sadly leaving Michelle to rely on her family to get her and the girls food.  Many times there isn't enough $$ in the account he uses to buy his alcohol and so he gets slapped with bounced check fees to the tune of at least a hundred dollars a month.  He threatens her often and it's only been recently that she's reached out to get out of this situation.  Apparently, this monster grilled their 10 y/o about the weekend they spent in my home.   They often come and spend the weekend with me to get away from the situation and all the stress of it.  It's wonderful having them and I always hurt when they go back because I know they are not happy there.  I know Michelle feels stuck due to her financial situation, he's the bread winner and she has to beg him for money to buy food.  That is why legal aide is her only option at this point.  She doesn't have a drivers license, he didn't want her to have one and wont take her to get one.  That situation is being taken care of shortly.  She wasn't allowed to work outside of the home because "other men" may work with her and since she's "his" property, he wouldn't let her get a job.

The reason she hasn't had him removed from the home is because of him being the only bread winner.  He leaves, there goes what little money she gets for food.  Wouldn't she then qualify for TANF?  But then the problem is getting down to the office, without being able to drive, that becomes another obstical.

[HelpingHands]

If he has a history of being abusive towards you and you reasonably and honestly feel that you or your child will be harmed if you try to leave(divorce), talk to the magistrate about filing an emergency protective order against him.

You can file for an ex parte hearing based on the TRO. If granted, they can/will probably provide a temporary order re: child custody, visitation and support.

I don't believe legal aide will help you get through all of the custody hearings, let alone the divorce proceedings. You'll need a family law attorney.

If you play your cards right, ie: wait till tax refund comes in- deposited into joint account- withdraw $$ to retain an attorney, file TRO order, ex parte hearing, etc- you'll probably be in a very good position to keep the house, get child support and alimony/spousal support .  But if you're not careful with the way things progress, he can turn things on you and put YOU in the hotseat.
 

Good luck.

[Michelle1971]

Thanks everyone for everything. Im finally getting in with legal aid and getting much more help than I realized I qualified for. It's all looking good. Take care everyone and thanks again.
Michelle

[Jade]

>Hi Everyone, This is my first time post here, or on any forum
>actually. I hope I do it correctly. This willl be a bit long
>so let me apologize in advance. I am a 35 yr old mother of 2
>living in West Virginia.. Both girls ages 15 and 10. Im trying
>to divorce my alcoholic husband of 15 years.  He has been
>abusive to me in the past, hitting me a few times and mostly
>throwing things at me. The last few years it's only been
>emotional abuse to me and my girls. My eldest daughter Chelsea
>(15yo) is NOT his biological daughter. My youngest Rachael
>(10) is. Neither of the girls has a working parent/daughter
>relationship with him. Rachael his child won't be alone with
>him, never has wanted to. Won't go out anywhere with him
>alone, I have to go too. She says she doesn't trust him. I do
>NOT believe there is any sexual abuse here. Just trust issues
>because he has either ignored us for the last 10 years or
>complained about us being a neussence. He spends all of his
>time drinking in his bedroom playing computer games. He has
>his own bedroom because for the last 8 years I've been on the
>couch. I didnt want to sleep with him because of his drinking.
>I have been an at home Mom for the last 12 years. I have no
>applicable skills for a job. Over the years he would never
>help me get my drivers licence.  I have had to take my
>daughter, his step-daughter out of our home because she
>couldn't handle all this anymore. She is now living with her
>grandmother. I have a place to go with both my girls, but cant
>go till about the beginning to the middle of March. He knows I
>want a divorce. He doesn't want a divorce but I think he'll go
>with it uncontested. He's very jealous and possesive over me
>not the kids. I am worried just to hurt me he will try to get
>custody of Rachael. I am wondering if while Im still living in
>this house with him, can I get an emergency full custody order
>and where do I go to get it? Can I request supervised
>visitation because of his habitual drinking? Can I start the
>divorce while Im still here? He and I bought a house while we
>were in a working marrage, though I'm not on the mortgage, do
>I still have rights to this house? Do I have rights to half
>our tax check this year? Is alimony and spousal support the
>same thing? Is it possible for me to get that from him to help
>me get some skills under my belt? I am having trouble just
>getting into Legal Aide to speak with a lawyer. I know I
>qualify but they do take their time getting you in. Thank you
>for taking time to read this jumbled mess. I appreciate any
>advice anyone can give.
>Have a great day!
>Michelle


Does he physically abuse you?  If so, the next time he assaults you, call the cops and get a restraining order.  That is how I got my abusive ex out of the house.

Also, I really do suggest that you contact a lawyer about your situation.  S/he would be better able to advise you on what to do.  

[Jade]

>I introduced Michelle to the board hoping she could find more
>advice than I knew to give.  Unfortunately, her financial
>situation is worse than dismal and bleak.  Her STBX is an
>extreme alcoholic and will purchase his alcohol prior to
>anything else being paid or even groceries being bought, sadly
>leaving Michelle to rely on her family to get her and the
>girls food.  Many times there isn't enough $$ in the account
>he uses to buy his alcohol and so he gets slapped with bounced
>check fees to the tune of at least a hundred dollars a month.
>He threatens her often and it's only been recently that she's
>reached out to get out of this situation.  Apparently, this
>monster grilled their 10 y/o about the weekend they spent in
>my home.   They often come and spend the weekend with me to
>get away from the situation and all the stress of it.  It's
>wonderful having them and I always hurt when they go back
>because I know they are not happy there.  I know Michelle
>feels stuck due to her financial situation, he's the bread
>winner and she has to beg him for money to buy food.  That is
>why legal aide is her only option at this point.  She doesn't
>have a drivers license, he didn't want her to have one and
>wont take her to get one.  That situation is being taken care
>of shortly.  She wasn't allowed to work outside of the home
>because "other men" may work with her and since she's "his"
>property, he wouldn't let her get a job.
>
>The reason she hasn't had him removed from the home is because
>of him being the only bread winner.  He leaves, there goes
>what little money she gets for food.  Wouldn't she then
>qualify for TANF?  But then the problem is getting down to the
>office, without being able to drive, that becomes another
>obstical.


Are you a witness to his telling her that she can't work?  Or any physical abuse?  

When she does get him out of the house, she needs to get temporary support set-up.  And have it taken directly out of his wages.  This way, he doesn't get to spend in on booze first.  And, yes, she probably would qualify for TANF, and they would go after him for reimbursement.  And it would be taken directly out of his paycheck.