Shared 50/50 Custody Daughter will not visit father

[pscjaw]

Please help me and my daughter resolve this issue before it hurts her further.
Ill try and be brief and just state the important facts:

I have a 16 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I have not had visitation with her in over a year as she refuses to visit. ( does not like my fiance). My son adores my fiance. My 19 year old daughter also gets along well with my Fiance. 19 year old lives with ex-wife ( she moved out because she was mad and is not allowed to move back in).

There were times when i had both daughters for a year a legally majority of the time, i did not file for child support, as we make similar incomes ( she actually makes about 20% more).

Ex-wife filed for support, got a LARGE support payment, then 7 months later, filed for a modification and ( HAHAHA) had it reduced to half because my lawyer and i found out she was not giving correct information and some other things.

This has cost me alot of money with lawyers and the money she ( i would argue) illegally obtained with the support payments.

I have asked ex wife many times to support me and let us see a counselor, she has just returned with " i cant force her to do anything" " Its not good for her"

I cannot easily prove it, but she does disparage me directly and indirectly in front of the children.
A direct one that i can prove, is she invited my second ex-wife( yes i know, i am going on three but i believe in love) to her house in front of my children, they have the same lawyer and were discussing how they can go after me. Having the second exwife there with their custodial mother alone i think is a terrible thing for the 10 year old to see.

She constantly sends nasty texts and emails, usually around when something good happens in my life such as a vacation or such.

She has ridiculed the rules in our house with the children ( not to us but to them)

Recently, her support payment was late ( its taken out of my check automatically so i had nothing to do with it), she sent 3 nasty emails accusing me of losing my job and that i would be taken to court.

I am exhausted and quite frankly mentally damaged because of her, i feel bullied. I want a relationship with my daughter, i am afriad she will do the same with my son, and that will be the last straw and i will lose all sanity if dont have him.

I dont have money to use a lawyer to file a custody complaint. I dont think i have actual 50/50 custody, its just stated in the settlement agreement, and likewise i dont think she does either.

IF anyone has any ideas how i may get some help for me and my children I would be eternally grateful.

THank You and God Bless.


PS another important note. She has decided to let the 10 year old come home to her house on her weeks alone. I do not agree with this. I can have a sitter at my home ( his step sister and or my father and myself) but my exwife refuses for obviuos reasons. He is 10, they should not be home alone for 2 hours.

[MixedBag]

1.  Read Divorce Poison.

2.  At the age of 16, I think I'd recommend a dinner date or some one-on-one time with your daughter.  In one sense that's catering to her, but in another sense, that's TIME with her.  SLOWLY work your way back to a normal relationship.

3.  Did I mention to READ Divorce Poison?  Available at Amazon.com

[pscjaw]

thanks Mixed bag, ordered book on amazon, will be here by the weekend.

[ocean]

1. Yes, I agree, try to deal with 16 year old yourself. Little at a time. Send text or facebook message to her weekly, just saying "miss you", "do you want to come out to dinner with me?". Leave it at that. Her mother has her ear and it will probably take her moving out to be "allowed" to talk to you.

2. Ignore your ex emails/comments. Just ignore. If email does not need an answer, just ignore or give one word/sentence answer. "Money was taken out of Fridays check, call child support, have a nice day" then ignore. We laugh a lot when my DH ex does this. Same thing, around our anniversary, DH birthday, Christmas we get some crazy email. We have not emailed back in years. No need to.

3. Check you state about children being alone. Call your local police station and asked if there is a law in your state. Here, no law. Up to parents and if child is okay with being left alone. How is your child? If child does not like it and voicing concerns, offer in writing a few options, give a response date "Ex, XX should not be left alone at her age. I am available after school on XX days, (daycare at school, after school program?, call find out prices and ages-usually to age 12), or offer to split babysitter?.

If ex does not respond to babysitting request, you can file for free (or small fee) yourself. Modification of parenting plan "mother needs babysitting after school and leaving child home alone, father (his familiy) is available after school every day. Father requests he be granted extra time on days mother has to work. Father will pick up from school and mother will pick up on way home from work or xxpm). Father requests First Right of Refusal (babysitting rights before any other person) until child is 13 years old when mother is away from the house. If you wind up going to court, you could request court ordered counseling for 16 year old but that may push her further. See if you can communicate directly with one of the internet sites. Send home cards with sister to give to her "thinking of you", old pictures.... not often but enough where she can not say you did not try. Can the 19 year old help in this, maybe meet together?

[pscjaw]

Thank you, i appreciate the ideas. I have sent her old pcitures, now and then and we always had a family dinner on sundays so ive been inviting her about twice a month. Ive been confused as to how to handle, i dont want to cater and beg, but be firm, loving and there for her.

Not sure what to do about the 10 year old, i just dont think its good for him to be there alone, he has all his friends here, and there is always an adult or his 16 year old step sister who adores him, has him do his homework.

I am trying to do that, ignore the nasty part of the emails, but she gets us so worked up with threats of court and this and that. Then i spend an hour reading laws and googling things. I am in the right, but it doesnt mean she cant cause problems.

I think this book will help me i bought, ive read alot on this site and everyone is very helpful. Its nice to know there are people like us out there and that they care. going through the same things.

[ocean]

Let her threat all she wants...until you get court papers, ignore. Ignore most emails. She knows she will have to call CSE and they will not do anything until you are 30 days late so...let her send the emails. If it gets really bad, send "If you continue to send harassing emails, I will be forced to file harassment charges against you"

That book is very good. Walking on Eggshells is another great book. You are dealing with a person with rational so your common sense responses will not work. Ignore and do not let her get to you. Your kids are older so really, unless CPS gets involved, your order will not change....she can threaten all she wants.

Babysitting: Is the other kids home any days at mom's? Maybe split the days or pay older kids to watch him?
Ex,
I really do not feel comfortable with xx staying home alone after school. I would like to resolve this without going to court as we are his parents. There is always someone home after school at our house so xx can come here and we can bring him home each night or you can come get him after work. I am also willing to split the cost for xx to go to after school care at xx school. Please think about these options or let me know of your suggestions by Friday. I would really like this to stay out of court.
Thank you.

See what state law is too...might have one on the books and then it will be easier to make her do something...

[pscjaw]

Thanks. I am thinking hard about how to handle the after school. Sometimes my other daughters are around.

I hate even sending her an email because ill get a nasty respone and my blood pressure and anxiety goes up.

On the Child support, im not worried, as it gets taken out automatically, the state was late ( by 1 day on a Friday so she didnt get the money it till monday) and she was all over me that weekend. Its just ridiculous. She accused me of all sorts of things.

Now, she took me back for a modification and she had "lied" about some things and some other things happened and we are waiting for the court order, but from what we can tell its half of what we used to pay. We paid $1200 for one child!!! She was insisting on paying helathcare even though i was, lied about how many she claimed on her returns, cancelledd day care and didnt inform them.

THe lower payment is awesome, but she will be super angry. and we are bracing ourselves.

I want my daughter to live comfortable and dont mind paying support, but $1200 a month? ALl the other kids were affected because of that.

In the end there is justice.

THis is a great forum and i am sure it has helped countless people.

[Kitty C.]

 'I hate even sending her an email because ill get a nasty response and my blood pressure and anxiety goes up.'
She does it because she KNOWS that's what it does to you and that's the WHOLE reason she does it in the first place!  You have to change your perspective on this...consider the source.  Once you realize she's doing it on purpose....and how stupid it and makes her look....it will start being a source of amusement to you...really!   YOU have to change your reaction to it...otherwise she's playing you like a fiddle.   

[hogtyed]

I wish you luck. It's difficult with an ex who does not help and actually makes it more difficult. I have custody of one of my 3 daughters. She is 16 and does not like going to her mother's house. One, she says her mother is crazy. Two, she cannot stand her mother's husband. I tell her that she needs to see her mother, too. I make sure that she spends time with her mom and try my best to keep that relationship in tact. I also remind her that she has a half-brother that she also needs to spend time with. They adore each other.

I could easily hinder any relationship they have, by not supporting it. It sounds like this is a path your ex has taken and that is too bad. Keep trying. Take baby steps. Establish a new relationship with your daughter. She is 16 right now and as you already know, they seem to know everything. I went through a similar situation with my 18 year old. At one point, I did not even want her around. Now she's a huge blessing I cannot live without. She's since apologized to me for being a "butt-head." Her words, not mine.

Good luck

[pscjaw]

So i finally emailed her this:

I do not agree that AJ can be left home alone after school and other times. Please correct this, if you cannot he is welcome to take the bus to my home. There is someone always at our house. Morgan, my father or myself. I do not need or want an explanation or your opinion.


and received this:

Not that I need to explain to you.


not sure what i will do from here