Custody hearing coming up

[uhboy]

Curious what you would expect the outcome would be in my upcoming custody hearing. Married 6 years, had 3rd kid in July '13. Within a few months she started an online affair with an out of state married man. Then took a week long trip to meet him in November, another one in early January, early Feb, and is now on a 3wk trip thru March 1st. I counted about 30 days she's been away from our infant and 2 young kids (3 and 5yr old) so far this year.

I plan to present to the evaluators that she is basically starting a new life meeting this guy on his biz trips at the expense of the development of our infant, as well as the needs of our two other young kids. Plus she plans more trips in the months ahead. While she is traveling, I stay with the kids and/or take them to daycare if I go into work. I live outside the house now, but see them at least 4x during week, and both weekend days regularly. And I am involved as far as dr appts, parent/teacher meetings, etc.

I know infants get special treatment in custody disputes as they need to be with one parent for relationship attachment reasons, but she doesnt seem to be around! She also fails to keep the house clean and organized for them...e.g. playroom is sometimes inaccessible, etc....i have evidence. She just seems overburdened and is unable to cope, so she jets off for weeks at a time to see this guy.

She seems to think nothing of it, like she deserves it or something, but the rest of us are aghast at her behavior. It almost seems like she doesnt want that much custody, or maybe doesnt understand the consequences of her absenteeism. She will have to start working full time, so it seems that our infant and 3yr old will have to be in daycare, so neither of us will be able to be a stay at home parent. Any thoughts/observations on this case?

[ocean]

Clean/dirty playrooms go nowhere in family court...

Wondering why you left the house. If she wants to go then she can leave. If she is using money that is both of yours, time to close all joint accounts, withdraw half and open new accounts in your name only. Let her spend her money, not yours. Some would tell you to get back in the house and make her leave as you are the primary parent in the last few months.

If you can not move back in and live close, you can/should be asking for joint custody and 50/50 visitation/parenting plan. You can also have in court papers that if she goes away or needs a babysitter more than xx hours , that she must call you first. Do you have beds for each of the kids at your house? Start taking kids to your house and not in "her" house.

What she does in her private life is not for you to worry about unless in interferes with the kids. Make sure you get a do not move out of the county clause in your papers so she does not up and move the kids to where the new BF is.

Is your hearing in divorce court or family court?

[uhboy]

i was surprised by her 'need some space'....and then got to the point where we would pursue counseling....if i had my own place, which is rented til may....stupid me, yes.....after affair revealed, i said im filing if it continues. so here we are.

i COULD move back, since she is on a 3 wk vacation getting laid by mr married wonderman as we speak -- believe me, i've been thru this 8 times with my attorney -- she'll continue with primary custody of our infant despite her stupid vacations, but maybe less than otherwise given her indiscretions; then 16 mos later when he's 2, we'll get 50-50.

the money train has ended, so she will have to figure out something else to see mr married wonderful -- thats a whole other story.

she cant take the kids anywhere, thats been stipulated. I am the default person taking care of the kids -- literally half the time thus far this year. 50-50 would be idea going forward. which would be easily achievable if not for our infant. They can sleep at my apt, but again, its short term. hopefully we'll have the house on the market soon since there is no way she could afford it, even with trading assets and her eventual job. 

we have initial custody neutral custody evaluation in family court in a few weeks.

[ocean]

Get another lawyer, if she really is gone 3 weeks this time, you could be asking for emergency full time temp custody as mother has left the state for weeks at a time. If you are good enough to "watch" baby now for these weeks, then you can most certainly do one week on, one week off or however you want to split the 50/50 (some people split the week and alternate weekend).

Do you have a visitation stipulation now? a temp one?
Could you buy her out and stay in house? Go talk to another lawyer about moving back in and getting temp custody if she is away this long- and not for work. Lawyers here will see you for a free consult or charge $50. 

What does your ex want? Go for the 50/50, keep track of times she has you take kids extra even after court. You will have a file now until the baby turns 18. Right down all changes and try to get it in writing, confirm changes in an email/text. Print it out, put in binder. After a while , you may be able to get full custody if she is still not doing the right thing or ask for child support if you keep having the kids extra throughout the year. Good luck!

[uhboy]

I will seek another lawyer I have in mind. The one I have is pretty good though, but I will anyway. She is definitely NOT away for work...that much is clear.

We have only had the initial case meeting, and the initial neutral custody evaluation in a few weeks. The key pillar of that meeting is of course her absenteeism. But I dont know how they will evaluate that, and the meeting is meant to find an agreement between us before progressing further. There is a chance she will agree to 50-50 off the bat so she can continue her stupid affair, but they will want the infant to be with one of us most of the time for 'attachment' purposes...and that almost always goes to mama unless she's dancing in the middle of freeways at night. I will inquire about the temporary custody of the infant however. My eldest - 5yr old daughter - will meet her on her trip with my mother in law....but still the 3 and 7m old will remain under my care and daycare during the week. We'll extract the cost of all these trips from her in the end, but obviously the bigger dollars are in the long term custody arrangement.

I could buy her out her equity for sure -- but I don't really want the house with all of the connotations, but I get the strategic aspect of it. She has not material assets beyond marital. she's f-ed without a white knight.

I dont know what she wants in terms of custody...i have heard she is afraid i will 'steal her kids'...but she is the paranoid type. I have minimized communication, yet she spews toxic emails to me, which are filed with my lawyer.

[uhboy]

however, seems emergency temporary custody could be stretch...even though she have been gone 3 of the 4 wks of february playing mistress to this weirdo -- since we are so early in the process. But its worth investigating for sure. Thanks for the heads up.

What sucks is that whatever venom you'd like to spew at the stbx for her stupid decisions, the courts dont care about your marriage...they care about the kids. So you basically have to put your rage at her on hold while they deal with the delicate matter of child care....yes she's an idiot for running around prior to a custody hearing, no doubt....but she unfortunately has logged 4 mos initially as his full time mom, and continues that way despite her 'need for space'. So, the upside for me is if she gets into the hearing and realizes she will be stuck here being primary caretaker and the thrilling vacations will have to come to end, and defers primary to me. Unlikely, but not a zero pct chance. She clearly is living some sort of fantasy.

So we'll see. No reason not to get a 5th or 6th opinion on this.