File for custody??

[annemichellesdad]

The technical details are a little unusual:

We were not married, but we each established through admistrative procedures (with the effect of a judgment) as, according to law, "equal legal parents with equal legal rights and responsibilities" in regards to our child. The mother and I do not have a formal legal custody agreement between us of our 9 year old daughter. She was three when we separated (mom left), and for three years, we amicably shared parenting time and duties. In fact, our child was in MY care quite a bit more than the mother's (well-documented), and I cared for her DIRECTLY, taking a job working out of my home, whereas the mother had her cared for by others. The mother, with ever more apparent narcissistic tendencies, grew increasingly jealous of her daughter's relationship with me, and angry over the idea of having to share "her" daughter. Despite my encouragement of her mother, our child had virtually no bond with her and was very verbal about wanting to live with me full time.

Three years ago, when mother's boyfriend broke up with her and refused to marry her, I was forced to take the fall. She took our child and moved away, refusing to tell me where she was or letting me see or talk to my girl. The entire time, though heartbroken, I never did anything foolish or threatening. It didn't stop her from getting a temporary restraining order when I found out where she was (about a hundred miles away). She filed two charges against me over a two month period, both of which were promptly dismissed. (One judge scolded her over making such a charge.) While they were pending, however, she was, on the basis of her accusations only, able to have the temp order made permanent.

I have written her attorney diligently every other week, requesting parenting time with my child. She has allowed maybe, on average, on day's visit every four or five months. Maybe a phone call every other month. After the first year, my daughter would call me in secret, sometimes crying for me to come and get her. These days, her spirits are good, but it she seems to blocked out all her emotions in regards to relationships.

The mother actually allowed us two weeks last summer (I think she needed the babysitter), and on that basis I thought things might get better. They have not.It's not been 8 months since I have seen my daughter. This woman is VERY unstable, and I have feared retaliations. My MANY pleas for an amicable resolution have gone unanswered.

Physically, my child is great. She had a VERY STRONG foundation, and it is that foundation which is serving her well now. Does great in school. But her mother is TRULY unbalanced, and has completely alienated our child from not only me but also from anyone with whom she has a conflict, both physically, emotionally, and pyschologically. I just fear that a court is going to look at her school record, she that her grades are good, and make me pay a ton of attorney fees to the mother and dismiss the case. Truly, however, it is the clear intent of this woman to, in every way, render this child COMPLETELY FATHERLESS.

Asking for joint custody will be a waste of time, as the mother's objection will be so strong the court will know it will not work (despite having been the norm for more than three years). Anyway, we live too far apart. "Minimal visitation" will only drive this woman to overtly, instead of merely passively, take steps to drive a wedge between my daughter and I. Thus far, the alienation has been slow and steady, facilitated by physical separation. If our daughter were to begin seeing me every other weekend, the mother's tactics would change and our daughter would be caught in the crossfire.

The only thing I know to do is to ask for sole custody and for the mother (and me, of course) to undergo psychiatric evaluation. Am I wasting my time with the courts, though, only to end up putting both my daughter and I in different dangers. Trust me... this woman is unpredictable and DANGEROUS in more ways than one!

[mistoffolees]

Go for sole custody. DO NOT DELAY.

I was skeptical of how much a custody evaluation would pick up. My stbx insisted on psych evaluation for me (which I was OK with, but only under the stipulation that SHE get the same). The evalutor spent the better part of a day with each of us (including administration of MMPI-2) and 2 hours with our daughter. His report was right on the money in describing her mental issues. Interestingly, it also picked up an elevated validity score which indicates her willigness to lie to further her own objectives.

Go for custody and request a custody evaluation. Have your attorney recommend evaluators who are very good and not biased against fathers. Those who routinely administer MMPI-2 or similar tests should be preferred.

In addition, if you have evidence that she's dangerous, you should ask your attorney about filing a protective order to protect you and/or the child.

[annemichellesdad]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I guess it just feels good to have one's motivations validated. I've tried so hard to be amicable and friendly, even when she's demonstrated complete for me as an individual and as a father.

There are other issues involved which make her "dangerous". She's also recently been made a co-defendant in a divorce suit between her father and stepmother (that's unusual, isn't it!), as her father attempted to place large amounts of marital property in her name the same day he was served with divorce papers (fraudulent conveyance).

In addition, he transferred all of his personal property into a real estate company which he uses solely to finance his personal life and launder income. And then he made his daughter (the mother of my child) the sole shareholder. While telling the court he had "no assets of any kind", he used company money to buy himself a mountain resort home. He, himself, has no bank account, credit card, etc., using the company instead to pay his bills. He has filed no personal income tax return since 1992. Not long ago, the court pierced the corporate veil and declared his company an illegitimate front for the handling of his personal funds.

All the time, this man kept the truth of his activities away from his daughter. Not knowing the consequences of her actions, she borrowed heavily against this property, obtain large amounts of cash ($50,000) to pay off bills and credit cards. When she learned that her stepmother had filed a lis pendens with the court, preventing her from selling off any of the property as she had wanted to, she called her stepmother's attorney, yelling and threatening. They kept hanging up and she kept calling and eventually they told her that her calls constituted a threat against an officer of the court, and that if they continued she would be arrested.

I had entertained the idea of petitioning for custody several years ago, but was told by one sympathetic family member that the mother intended to make knowingly false claims of sexual molestation by me against my daughter if I did so. Another friend told me that she had said that if I caused her any trouble with custody that "daddy has friends who can take him out".  She's an introverted narcissist, and not typically "out of control", which only makes her more unpredictable. She's certainly not above making false accusations in order to get the state to cause trouble and impose her will. That fact brings me more fear that if she held a gun on me!

I just want to be a father. I don't care about her troubles with the IRS (she's chief financial officer and sole shareholder of an illegitimate corporation which doesn't file tax returns, and whose sole function is to funnel large sums of cash to its founder in the form of structured checks written by her to him labeled "loan reimbursement"), and I don't care about her. If we can be amicable, then great, but otherwise she needs to not get in the way of my relationship with my child.

Again, thanks for the encouragement. These are difficult things.

[mistoffolees]

You're going to need to be careful with your language.

As reprehensible as her financial activities are, calling them dangerous is extremely misleading and will only get you into trouble.

While there are exceptions, a good rule of thumb is that money issues have absolutely no place in a custody discussion. None of the above is relevant to the custody issue and using them as such (particularly given that your first post made it sound like there was imminent danger to you and the child) makes you the bad guy.

In discussing custody issues, stick to real custody issues. I would still encourage you to ask for custody in the circumstances you've cited, but don't overdo your claims.

[annemichellesdad]

Your advise is well-taken. I guess I am so familiar with this stuff that the relevance of it better known to me.

That she has threatened both me and her stepmother's attorney is without question. Her threat to me was over our child, and with her stepmother over money. In addition, she had formerly lived with her father and stepmother, and her stepmother was forced to move out over the altercations between them and the threats made by the mother to her. When she left the marital home, there was no doubt that she truly feared for her safety.

In the custody proceedings, I will certainly leave out any of the financial matters. I think I was a bit overzealous in stating them here in order to illustrate her degree of lawlessness in other matters, and how she reacts when her efforts are impeded. It is a characteristic of narcissism to lash out against others in reaction to their own failures at something. I've been a punching bag before for things which I had no part in. I'm not a anphysically weak person, nor am I a coward, but when one hears that "daddy has people who can take him out" (I assume that means they can kill me rather than buying me dinner), one becomes very concerned about raising a custody issue with a mother who might soon be confronting the consequences of other actions. At the risk of sounding paranoid, my family and I do not take our safety for granted when it comes to this person.

Again, your point is WELL TAKEN. Thank you.

[mistoffolees]

I know exactly where you're coming from. My counselor said that my description of my stbx met 90% of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.

Fortunately, the MMPI-2 test picked it up and the custody evaluation report specifically mentions it.

BE CAREFUL, though. While you've mentioned the tendency of NPDs to lash out against others, you may be missing the strength of this tendency. One of the characteristics is that if you hurt an NPD, they're going to retaliate against you to cause 10 times as much harm - EVEN IF THEY GET HURT, AS WELL. The emphasis is important. You can expect to be attacked no matter how irrational it is. For example, my stbx threatened to call my boss with a bunch of manufactured allegations to try to get me fired. Since she's likely to be getting sizeable alimony in our state (as well as sizeable child support even though we have 50:50 custody due to the differences in our income), it would be horrendously stupid for her to do that. Yet she was planning on it until her attorney talked her out of it.

If you have legitimate reasons to be concerned about safety (and it sounds like you do) and have enough documentation to convince a court, by all means file for a protection order at the same time as you file for custody. However, don't be suprised if she violates it (my stbx has already violated several court orders because she thinks she's above them).

[annemichellesdad]

When you asked the court for a psychological evaluation, did you mention NPD in particular, or did you leave that for the evaluation to diagnose. Since NPD is an observable behavioral pattern -- an externally-expressed pyschosis rather than an internal, or mental, neurosis, I don't see where it would be inappropriate to express an initial opinion. But, I don't want the court to think that I'm reaching a conclusion I have no business suggesting.

I guess what I'm REALLY asking is: How do you COMPEL the court to order an evaluation? It's entirely the court's discretion, right?

Thanks so much

[annemichellesdad]

When you asked the court for a psychological evaluation, did you mention NPD in particular, or did you leave that for the evaluation to diagnose. Since NPD is an observable behavioral pattern -- an externally-expressed pyschosis rather than an internal, or mental, neurosis, I don't see where it would be inappropriate to express an initial opinion. But, I don't want the court to think that I'm reaching a conclusion I have no business suggesting.

I guess what I'm REALLY asking is: How do you COMPEL the court to order an evaluation? It's entirely the court's discretion, right?

Thanks so much

[mistoffolees]

First, you can't compel the court to order anything. Even thinking that will get you in trouble.

As for asking, I didn't need to. My stbx sued for custody and demanded that they order a psych eval on me. We said we'd agree without waiting for the judge's order as long as the evaluator evaluted both of us. Since one of the characteristics of NPDs is that they think they're perfect and it's everyone else who has a problem, she agreed immediately - and was shocked at the results.

To answer your question, I would not specifically mention NPD or any other diagnosis unless you're a board cerified psychiatrist. Even if you are, it would be dangerous to make that claim without having completed a formal evaluation and MMPI testing.

Instead, I would file for custody and ask for the court to order a detailed custody evaluation for both parents. In most jurisdictions, judges order CE pretty routinely if either parent requests it (and sometimes even if they don't). When you get your chance to meet with the CE, you want to mention your observations (not your diagnosis) and how you believe they will impact your child(ren). HOWEVER, you have to be careful. Most of the time should be spent discussing why are you are a better parent and what you can offer to the child. If you spend too much time complaining about the other parent, it looks like you're the one who's trying to alienate the child.

Your attorney can guide you through the process including a discussion of specifically what evidence to provide.

[annemichellesdad]

Thanks for those insights. VERY valuable... and what boards like this are best at!