Almost Father Seeking Help

[TheScott]

Hello all,

I'm new to this, so please bear with me.

I am 23 years old and about to graduate college with a business degree. I started to date a girl and after 2 months, we found out she was pregnant. We tried to make things work, we moved in together, and things just were not going smoothly, so we broke up, but tried to stay rational. We couldn't do that either, and not by choice, I have not spoken with her for 3 months. She is due on April 28th and I would like to know some things.

1) I know I have to get a paternity test because she claimed after 6 months that the child might not be mine. I am almost 99% sure it is mine, though, for various reasons. What is the right way to go about getting this done?

2) What should I do when my son is born? Is there a way to go about establishing my rights and seeing him? I highly doubt she will call me when she goes into labor, because she believes that if she gives me enough grief, I will have nothing to do with my son, but that is not the case at all.

3) At what point do I seek legal representation? Is it too soon now?

4) What are the odds of a joint custody decision?

Any answers, advice, follow-up questions are very much appreciated and welcomed.

Thank you,

Scott

[Jade]

>Hello all,
>
>I'm new to this, so please bear with me.
>
>I am 23 years old and about to graduate college with a
>business degree. I started to date a girl and after 2 months,
>we found out she was pregnant. We tried to make things work,
>we moved in together, and things just were not going smoothly,
>so we broke up, but tried to stay rational. We couldn't do
>that either, and not by choice, I have not spoken with her for
>3 months. She is due on April 28th and I would like to know
>some things.
>
>1) I know I have to get a paternity test because she claimed
>after 6 months that the child might not be mine. I am almost
>99% sure it is mine, though, for various reasons. What is the
>right way to go about getting this done?
>
>2) What should I do when my son is born? Is there a way to go
>about establishing my rights and seeing him? I highly doubt
>she will call me when she goes into labor, because she
>believes that if she gives me enough grief, I will have
>nothing to do with my son, but that is not the case at all.
>
>3) At what point do I seek legal representation? Is it too
>soon now?
>
>4) What are the odds of a joint custody decision?
>
>Any answers, advice, follow-up questions are very much
>appreciated and welcomed.
>
>Thank you,
>
>Scott


The first thing you need to do is consult with an attorney.  After the baby is born, you will need to get paternity established.

[Jade]

>Hello all,
>
>I'm new to this, so please bear with me.
>
>I am 23 years old and about to graduate college with a
>business degree. I started to date a girl and after 2 months,
>we found out she was pregnant. We tried to make things work,
>we moved in together, and things just were not going smoothly,
>so we broke up, but tried to stay rational. We couldn't do
>that either, and not by choice, I have not spoken with her for
>3 months. She is due on April 28th and I would like to know
>some things.
>
>1) I know I have to get a paternity test because she claimed
>after 6 months that the child might not be mine. I am almost
>99% sure it is mine, though, for various reasons. What is the
>right way to go about getting this done?
>
>2) What should I do when my son is born? Is there a way to go
>about establishing my rights and seeing him? I highly doubt
>she will call me when she goes into labor, because she
>believes that if she gives me enough grief, I will have
>nothing to do with my son, but that is not the case at all.
>
>3) At what point do I seek legal representation? Is it too
>soon now?
>
>4) What are the odds of a joint custody decision?
>
>Any answers, advice, follow-up questions are very much
>appreciated and welcomed.
>
>Thank you,
>
>Scott


The first thing you need to do is consult with an attorney.  After the baby is born, you will need to get paternity established.

[evdiv69]

Hello, Scott... Yes as soon as you can... as the baby is born you need to get the paternity test done. through the A G's office... So you can find out the real parental bond... I have Already gone through that... If you all weren't married, from what I can remember You have Little rights untill you establish paternity... At least in Texas... Keep Me updated on the issue at hand, if you would.... I am going through ABOUT the same situation that you are going through, But My child is 2 years old... Keep Me Posted!!!

[williaer]

I would say forget the idea of being there for the birth- you really have no right to be unless you are married and even then- when it comes to medical situations and adults- you have the right to tell anyone to leave...so you can't show up and expect anything.

In the beginnign they will probably have you "visit" in her home. I'd guess she will breastfeed, if for no other reason than to limit your time with the child- seems like that type of person from the way you post.

This may not be a popular opinion and if I'm blasted, I likely deserve it- but you need to think long and hard about how much grief this is going to bring you and this child if you decide to pursue it. I'm not discouraging you- but you do need to be realistic- if she is going to be hell on wheels for 18 years- is that the best thing for your child? You never know how things are going to turn out- but you should certainly look at the whole picture before decided what route to pursue.

[HelpingHands]

Establish paternity is the only way you can get anywhere.

In my case, an affidavit was signed, then she denied it was her signature(to try to prevent me having any rights) then she claimed our child wasn't mine and a paternity test was ordered anyways. So bottom line: get a paternity test done.

You can file for visitation/custody and they will most likely set the date aside until the test results come in.

And be careful... if you decide to walk away before the paternity test- and mom decides to come after you for support- even 17.5 years later, you MAY BE ON THE HOOK for back child support all the way till birth. Yes, that happens. So not only will you miss out on your child's life, you have to pay all those years' worth of support. Virginia is a state that can do that.

[TheScott]

To the person who suggested I walk away.... that has been suggested before, and I simply cannot do it, for a number of reasons.

I couldn't live with myself if I walked away from my son.. for whatever reason. He is going to need me and walking away is not the right way to teach  him how to be a man. I'm not in any way insulting anybody who has done that, because everybody has their situations and their reasons, but I just can't do it.

Another reason is that I already know that I am going to have to be the one to teach him values....and honesty. His Mother will not do it I am sure, so he is going to need love and caring because her family is not like that. They don't talk about their problems and never say I love you....and well, I don't want him to be like that.

The last time we spoke over the phone(almost 4 months ago), she said that she is going to fight for full custody.. stating the fact that she could win for a number of reasons... the fact that I am currently on a drug called Paxil... for anxiety. It's very important that it is listed in my records as anxiety... because it is not depression. He helps me keep my focus. Can she honestly use that again me?

Also, she brought up the fact that my brother, who lives 3000 miles away mind you, is a drug addict. She couldn't possibly use my family as a tool against me, could she?

I'm sorry if these questions are stupid...I just need to know. And thank you to those that responded. I really, truly, appreciate it. I'm hoping that after I get through with this ordeal, I can check in on the boards and offer my experience and advice to those who are in similar situations as I.

Thank you,

Scott

[mistoffolees]

>To the person who suggested I walk away.... that has been
>suggested before, and I simply cannot do it, for a number of
>reasons.
>
>I couldn't live with myself if I walked away from my son.. for
>whatever reason. He is going to need me and walking away is
>not the right way to teach  him how to be a man. I'm not in
>any way insulting anybody who has done that, because everybody
>has their situations and their reasons, but I just can't do
>it.
>
>Another reason is that I already know that I am going to have
>to be the one to teach him values....and honesty. His Mother
>will not do it I am sure, so he is going to need love and
>caring because her family is not like that. They don't talk
>about their problems and never say I love you....and well, I
>don't want him to be like that.

One thing to keep in mind. You need to keep separate in your mind what you're doing because it's the right thing and what you're doing because of legal matters. While the above is great justification for wanting  to stay in your son's life, it may not carry much weight with the judge (depends on the judge), so it will probably play a minor role in your legal filings.

It WILL, however, play a significant role with a custody evaluator, so you may want to talk with your lawyer about insisting on a custody evaluator.

>
>The last time we spoke over the phone(almost 4 months ago),
>she said that she is going to fight for full custody.. stating
>the fact that she could win for a number of reasons... the
>fact that I am currently on a drug called Paxil... for
>anxiety. It's very important that it is listed in my records
>as anxiety... because it is not depression. He helps me keep
>my focus. Can she honestly use that again me?

The fact that she won't let you talk to the son IS relevant - and is probably justification for an emergency hearing.

Can she use your Paxil usage against you? Of course. Will it carry any weight? Again, it depends on the judge and how it's presented. If you present it with your head held high and say "yes, I have had problems with anxiety but they are under control with the help of a great psychologist and Paxil and we do not see it being an issue any longer" and then have the psychologist testify, it will probably play a minor role. It will certainly not keep you from having visitation. I guess there's a chance that it might affect the custody decision. My gut says that it wouldn't be very important, but you should be upfront about it with your attorney and custody evaluator. You're going to want to emphasize that the anxiety is well under control.

>
>Also, she brought up the fact that my brother, who lives 3000
>miles away mind you, is a drug addict. She couldn't possibly
>use my family as a tool against me, could she?

Well, you could always argue that she's related to a chimpanzee, too. (sorry to those who don't accept evolution).

Seriously, it's pretty much irrelevant unless she can show some reason why it would affect your parenting. If he regularly spends time in your house, it might be relevant. If you leave your child with him for babysitting, it might be relevant. But other than that, it's not likely to hurt you.

>
>I'm sorry if these questions are stupid...I just need to know.
>And thank you to those that responded. I really, truly,
>appreciate it. I'm hoping that after I get through with this
>ordeal, I can check in on the boards and offer my experience
>and advice to those who are in similar situations as I.

No, they're not stupid questions. One of the worst things about this process is that it brings out the worst in everyone rather than the best and even trivial matters get blown up into major wars.

We were in mediation and my stbx had a fit because I asked for my 4 year old computer (market value $0.50 or so) and she only has 3 computers in her house. (There was some data on there that I would have liked to keep without the hassle of transferring it, but it's not important enough to fight over, so I dropped it).

Little things adopt huge importance. Try to not let them bother you and focus on the prize - your time with your son.

[Savant]

The last time we spoke over the phone(almost 4 months ago), she said that she is going to fight for full custody.. stating the fact that she could win for a number of reasons... the fact that I am currently on a drug called Paxil... for anxiety. It's very important that it is listed in my records as anxiety... because it is not depression. He helps me keep my focus. Can she honestly use that again me?

Also, she brought up the fact that my brother, who lives 3000 miles away mind you, is a drug addict. She couldn't possibly use my family as a tool against me, could she?


One thing I learned was that bringing up issues like these may in fact backfire on her.  The judge will not likely care what your brother who lives 3000 miles away does.  But if she keeps protesting based on that argument, the judge may sense that she is not being rational and that she is just trying to keep you away from your child without any good reason.  The judge may, in fact, give you more custody time rather than less if this happens.

The judge will probably also not care that you take Paxil for anxiety, and again it could backfire on her to bring it up if you can provide evidence that your anxiety is under control.  If she could prove that you have a prescription for Paxil but don't take it when you are supposed to, then you might have a problem.  Otherwise it will probably only make her look like she is trying to keep you away from the child with no solid basis for doing so.