Am I overreacting??

[shannon91c]

I have a 15 yo daughter who lives with her mother during the school year and is with me and her SM and 1/2 siblings during the summer.  The mom has a variety of mental health issues that have just been recently diagnosed but we part of our reasons for splitting.  She has recently moved from the place my DD has lived her whole life to Pheonix to live with her mother.  She has no formal job training and will only be looking at minimum wage.  My DD will have to share a room with 4 yo 1/2 sis from mom and I just recently found out moms boyfriend is only 5 years older than DD and 14 years younger the my ex.  She has been with this kid since he was 15/16 years old.  I know that alone is illeal.  She was 30 when relationship statred.  I am very concerned with this.  There is no custody and never has been.  We have been fairly able to communicate somewhat regarding DD.  I feel I need to do more now.  I feel they are grave concerns regarding moms decision making skills as well as the recent enlightment to this major move which she never told me about.  I found out through DD.  This live in boyfriend is also a major concern for me as he is not old enough to play dad to my soon to be 16 year old DD in my absence.  I am questioning returning her to her mothers fulltime care.  I worry for her safety.  Also we live in NY and provide all of her routine medical care.  Our summer visitation is filled wqth appts,  physicals, dentist, eye doctors etc.  Her mother seeks no medical care when she is with her even if DD is sick. I have also paid for all travel expenses for visitation and continued to send full child support while with us.   She will also be attending a HS from 350 total enrolled students to a HS of over 3000 kids.  I am wondering if I am overreacting.  Should I just leave well enough alone.  SHould I pursue further actions? Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ocean]

Is your current order in NY? What does your daughter want to do? She will have some say if it goes to court...

As far as the rest...you have no say unless you can prove abuse or mental issues that affect your daughter directly. Child support in NY continues through your visitation....unless you were able to get it into your order. I would focus more on that BM is moving and daughter wants to live with you with own room and family and friends by you. Her wants will carry some weight in court.

If your daughter wants to stay with you, then get a lawyer and file for custody. You probably need to file before she finds out because she will file by her and win because child has lived there for the last 6 months....Will mom agree to one school year here? Some people have done that....Then once she is with you for the 6 months, you can change the order to NY.
Good luck!

[shannon91c]

The current order in is WA State, BM is now living in AZ and we live in NY.  BM won't agree to anything, DD is her built in babysitter for 4 yo sister.  DD will says she wants to stay here then she talks to BM and changes her mind.  DD states she worries about BM.  States BM says she will "die" without her.  My poor DD is the adult and BM is the teen, along with the young boyfriend.  I feel she is missing out on so much.

[Sherry1]

stops waffling back and forth, you can't do anything legally.  She is old enough to tell a judge where she wants to live in Arizona.  Your ex will need to establish residency requirements in Arizona then you can file your child custody/support paperwork there.  Have you been paying child support?  And if so, have you kept copies of your payments?  You will not be able to gain custody of a 15 yo unless she will be willing to testify to the judge that is where she wants to live.  Even though you don't like what is going on at BM's house, a custody change will not happen for a 15 yo without the 15 yo testifying as such.  UNLESS there is documented abuse and/or neglect, drug use, arrests, domestic violence, etc .  The documentation must be provided by the police and/or child protective services or some other "official" entity.  What you are describing is going to be viewed by a court as bad parenting, but probably not enough to warrant a custody change unless your DD is willing to testify.

My husband's case is in Arizona and we were able to get his 15yo son out of a bad situation, but 15yo was willing to testify and/or whatever needed to be done.

Your first best thing to do is to contact a lawyer in the county where she is residing and ask about residency requirements and possibly retain the lawyer.  I am gathering that she moved to the Phoenix area?

[shannon91c]

Just moved there in June.  DD has been with us since June.  So the fact that BM commited a sex crime that is still punishible by law isn't enough.  I am appauled at this.  I knew the boy was younger but was unaware of how much younger. I feel as DD has been manipulated to stay with mom as she ic consistenly waffling back and forth.  I feel she doesn't know what she wants either.

[ocean]

Can you get your daughter into counseling here? Have her talk to an outsider about all of it... It is very hard to choose between your parents plus if she is the mother figure there, she probably wants to help sibling at home.

Maybe if you sit down with her and state why you do not want her to go back and come up with a visitation plan for the next school year she will want to stay with you?

Good luck!

[Sherry1]

I am not saying I don't empathize with your situation, but a court of law doesn't work off of he says she says.  It works off of cold hard facts.  Unless she was convicted of committing a sex crime, then it is a null fact.  If you feel your daughter is in danger, then contact Child Protective Services and relay the fact that your ex committed what you feel is a sex crime and see if they will investigage.