What more can I do??? -- in Texas

[fightingmad2007]

Ex- is CP of 10-YO son. I moved to same neighborhood -- live 3 blocks away. Divorced since '98.

Filed for modification of original custody order 8/05. Settled in mediation 4/06. Mod. orders state (1) child's wishes to see other parent 'will be considered'. (2) parties are ordered to mediate in all future conflicts before court.

OK, since the mod. order was signed off on (6/1/06) these things have happened: (1) son has stated to me that he asks Ex- frequently to see me more & is denied. Son has stated to GAL that Ex- says 'it's not in his (son's) best interests, but won't give a reason why. Son WANTS to spend one wk with me & one with Ex-..... (2) Ex's spouse is bipolar, suffers from diabetes, hypothyroidism, and high blood pressure and takes 13 meds a day (all admitted to me in conversation). Spouse left Ex- over T'giving last year & moved out for 2 weeks. Son & I were both told this wasn't the first time she'd left but 'she'd always come back before' and 'she was having some trouble with depression'. She screams at son & 'cusses him out' -- neither of which he is used to and he's a sensitive child so this bothers him a lot. He has told GAL this also.
(3) most recently I picked up son for summer vacation & he had a healing scratch on his arm that SM had done to him on purpose to 'teach him a lesson'.

Now the ??. My lawyer states we still don't have enough to go back for another mediation/mod. That these things aren't serious enough 'material change in circumstances' to stand up in court. I do have a doctor's report on the scratch & he did take my son's statement of what happened. GAL & my lawyer suggest I just 'wait it out' until son is 12 & can sign the affidavit saying he wants to live with me. I think they're leary of Ex's high dollar bulldog lawyer. WWYD?

[Sherry1]

Your lawyer is right, you will need something more material to warrant a change of circumstance.  Not a lot you can do at this point.  I would just make sure to see son as much as possible.  Bottom line is that son will not like his dad.

[Kitty C.]

Since you live so close to each other, has your son ever just walked over to see you?  The reason I ask is because he is getting close to the age where his wishes will at least be listened to in court, if not at least given some consideration.  And since your modification actually states that his wishes of which parent to see will be given consideration is a HUGE step in that direction.

What I'm getting at is a concept known as 'voting with their feet', meaning kids will make up their own minds as to whom they want to be with and act on it on their own.  Often, the parent who is left will get the authorities involved and get the child back, but sometimes if it happens often enough (and at that point could warrant a change in circumstance), the court will not rule against the child's feet, so to speak.

There's one very important aspect to keep in mind here.  In no way can either parent influence the child to take this kind of action.  This has to be something that the child comes up with on their own.  So my opinion is that if the child even so much as mentions the possibility to you, stay VERY neutral on the subject so as not to influence the child.  One thing I've always taught my kids from little on up is that they have to face the consequences of their actions, so they must weigh the pros and cons of each to make a decision.  If you tell them they must think very carefully about what they want to do, you are still not influencing them in either direction.

So if your son eventually comes to this decision and acts upon it, THAT is the time to support him as much as possible, even if it means he still has to go back to the other parent.  Sometimes it has to happen quite a few times for 'all' the adults (including the ones in court) to finally get the picture and make the changes that the child has already determined he/she needs.

[fightingmad2007]

Actually no. My son is not 'given a lot of freedom' at his Dad's house & he can go down the block to visit friends (maybe 7 houses down) but it would never even cross his mind to walk/ride his bike to my house w/out permission. Permission which would never be given. So he doesn't even ask.

On the 3 times he has gone on a 'bike ride' around the neighborhood with one of his friends and the friend's dad's -- he HAS ended up here just to pop in & say 'hi'. I think that's actually pretty telling of the environment he has to deal with every day. That he feels 'free-er' to ask a FRIEND'S father to ride over here with him to say 'hi' to me than his own DAD.... And they do bike rides also. He just knows how his Dad feels about him seeing me.

I never try to influence him in any way. Actually it was the GAL that first brought up he could make his own choice to him when she talked to him for the mod back in '06. He just has asked me if 'its true', and talks about that's what he wants to do in 1.5 years. I really don't even respond to it.

[escape2paradise]

Wow that is a dangerous idea to plant.  My X has influenced my DD to runaway twice.  The last time he was caught pretty much red handed.  We are in the middle of a custody dispute.  There are no problems in my home, other than X is trying his best to PAS my DD.  I support my DD relationship with X, though I have never been under any legal obligation to do so.  DD is 13, X has never been legally named as dad and I have always allowed and encourage visitation between the two.  X got married and now decides he wants to be a "real" dad.  Files a parentage action and wants custody.  DD is influenced heavily by him.  Though he has been involved with her since birth, he has always been a flake, canceling, too busy partying, drugging etc....Now he is finally showing her the attention she has longed for and she's eating it up.  She is also afraid dad will leave the state and "give up" on her as he has disappeared for months and months in the past and has threatened many times that if he doesn't get what he wants with this custody dispute he will leave her.  He has even told the GAL this.  My point is, that it is never okay to encourage a child to runaway.  It is foolish and  dangerous.  I realize you weren't advocating encouraging a child to do this.  My point is that this idea given to an idiot can cause some serious issues.  Also wanted to point out for any parents who choose to encourage the child to "vote with their feet" just may end up with the very short end of the stick as has my X.  No summer visitation period and is likely to be given supervised visits once school starts.