What do Judges really want to hear?

[georgia]

I have been notified that I have a final hearing in a couple of weeks, and I am curious to know what I should and should not bring up, document etc.  

My soon to be ex is a master manipulator and has been able to convince all his friends that I am the devil.  But I have e-mails, and pictures of infidelities, my journal of events throughout the years, and when my kids come to visit they tell me things that just make you go HUH? But when I bring these issues up to my lawyer, all he says is that although my soon to be ex has demonstrated poor judgement, no laws have been broken.  I made a parenting plan and my ex told me that there is no way they will agree to anything, either I agree to what they sent over or we battle it out in court.

So what is it that Judges really look at to determine custody.

Thanks

[mistoffolees]

>I have been notified that I have a final hearing in a couple
>of weeks, and I am curious to know what I should and should
>not bring up, document etc.  
>
>My soon to be ex is a master manipulator and has been able to
>convince all his friends that I am the devil.  But I have
>e-mails, and pictures of infidelities, my journal of events
>throughout the years, and when my kids come to visit they tell
>me things that just make you go HUH? But when I bring these
>issues up to my lawyer, all he says is that although my soon
>to be ex has demonstrated poor judgement, no laws have been
>broken.  I made a parenting plan and my ex told me that there
>is no way they will agree to anything, either I agree to what
>they sent over or we battle it out in court.
>
>So what is it that Judges really look at to determine custody.

The judge will look for the best interest of the child. If stbx has been discreet and not acted out in the presence of the children, then the behavior you cite is not a major consideration. If, OTOH, it is indicative of stbx's behavior when the children are there, then it's relevant.

If you have a good lawyer, rely on their judgement. If you bring up things that aren't relevant just to make the other party look bad, it will reflect poorly on you.

I would suggest that you talk with your attorney about a custody evaluation. They're not cheap, but they're usually less expensive than a full-blown court battle.

[Sunshine1]

Many judges, "try' to go with the best interest of the children, however a few slip through the cracks.

Misto is right, if you lawyer only focuses on the children in the case, and not their irratic behavior and try to point out every single flaw, but brings up relvent instances where the children were present, then you are going to get somewhere.

This is EXACTLY what happened in my DH's case.  Our attorney would drive him insane about not bringing up this or that, but later we realized, did it hurt the children??  No.  Is she crazy?  Yes.  Is she just driving us nuts or the children, and the answer was 60 % driving us crazy and 40% she was doing things with the children present and that is what we went after.

Her lawyer nit picked every single little item that she could psosibly think up.  Everything from flowers being delivered to her hosue as a conspiracy, to what kind of car my DH drove and how it was NOT an economical family car..HUH?  What on earth does that have to do with the welfare of the children?

Judge was tired and the evaluator did her homework, and DH was awarded custody because he was the "friendlier parent" and they didn't think she would ever be friendly to DH.  Turned out they were very right.

Focus on the children, nothing else.

[georgia]

I know in a lot of situations pepole tend to focus on themselves, but for me it is only about doing what is best for the children.  I have brought to my attorney a timeline that summarized events that I consider not in the best interest of the children:

1. Sex addiction problem - leaving porn around for the children to see, taking illicit photos and sending them to clients, and unknown people, via cell phone, and e-mail.
2. There have been some instances where I feel that discipline that was handed out was way too harsh and crossed the line, and have left bruises.
3.  Verbal abuse.
4.  Taking children with you to work everyday, which entailed the children being in the car all day long.
5.  Medical issues not being taken care of, because excuse is no money, but bought new girlfriend diamond ring, and bought a new car.
6.  New girlfriend has displayed drunken behavior in front of children.

I am not asking that my ex not have any contact with the children, but I feel for right now it should limited.

[Giggles]

>1. Sex addiction problem - leaving porn around for the children to see, taking illicit photos and sending them to clients, and unknown people, via cell phone, and e-mail.

Question...How can you prove this?  Do you have copies of the e-mails and phone logs?  

>2. There have been some instances where I feel that discipline that was handed out was way too harsh and crossed the line, and have left bruises.

This will be looked at as different parenting styles.  Unless you have a medical record of the bruises and photos.

>3. Verbal abuse.

Do you have audio tape of this?  Can you prove it?

>4. Taking children with you to work everyday, which entailed the children being in the car all day long.

Again, this will be looked at as different parenting styles..how old are the children?

>5. Medical issues not being taken care of, because excuse is no money, but bought new girlfriend diamond ring, and bought a new car.

RED FLAG...leave the New GF OUT of EVERYTHING!!!  You will be looked at as being "Jealous"!!!  So what if she has a diamond and new car...what he spends his money on is his business.  What type of medical issues are we talking about?

>6. New girlfriend has displayed drunken behavior in front of children.

Unless you have witness and all of that LEAVE HER OUT OF IT!!!

[georgia]

1. I do have the photos he sent via his cell phone and e-mail.

2. I do have a couple of photos and unfortunately the children have seen this behavior for themselves. The eldest is 13.

3. Your right, I do not have a audio tape so no need to mention.

4. I understand about different parenting styles, and although I prefer the children to do something other than sitting in a car for 8 hours a day I can't change that, but my concern was since they have been subjected to being in the car all day long, they eat a lot of fast food, and now they both have high cholesterol which they never had before. And the nine year old has a curve in his spine, which is concerning because they have always been healthy.  Yes I do have the medical records to show. Ages: 12 and 9.

5. I understand what you mean about not bringing the girlfriend up, I am simply trying to point out that he says he is broke all the time, he knows that our 9 year old needs to see a doctor for the curve in his spine he recently developed and when I ask about if he has been to the doctor he says he can't afford it.  So I am just questioning if you can't afford to get medical attention for the children, then how can you afford these other things.  I really don't care about his girlfriend, I just want to make sure the children get what they need first.  I'm just concerned that's all.

6.  The witness is my daughter who told me how she can tell when she is drunk, because she hangs all over her and it makes her feel uncomfortable.  

I'm not trying to be a jerk at all, I just want what is best for the children and make sure they are going to be okay.  If he wants to spend every dime on her I say go for it, just make sure the children get their needs met first.

[mistoffolees]

>I'm not trying to be a jerk at all, I just want what is best
>for the children and make sure they are going to be okay.  If
>he wants to spend every dime on her I say go for it, just make
>sure the children get their needs met first.

Similarly, Giggles isn't trying to be a jerk, either. he/she is simply pointing out that allegations are worthless. The only thing relevant is when you have hard, impartial, indisputable facts. AND, you'll need witness to support them.

As an example, you imply above that eating fast food has caused high cholesterol and sitting in the car has cased spinal curvature. If you make those statements in court, you're going to lose. If, on the other hand, you have an expert who examines all the evidence impartially and says that because of their high cholesterol that fast food should be a minimal part of their diet, you will have a stronger case.

In general, YOU should not be saying anything. Any evidence you provide should come from a neutral third party or hard evidence.

Even the pictures you have. Can you prove that they came from your ex's cell phone? How would the judge know that you didn't fabricate the evidence? It's not very hard to fudge that kind of evidence. You MIGHT be able to have an expert examine the headers on the email and say that they appear to be authentic, but even then it's going to be tough to prove.

There's a huge difference between what you know and what you can prove.

[georgia]

This is the kind of advice I need.  I appreciate it, and your right without talking to an expert I can't prove anything.  

As far as evidence, I have all their medical records including the latest.   The high cholesterol can be fixed pretty easily, I am really concerned about my son's curve in his spine.  But I will take the records to a neuteral third party, that's a good idea.

I would like to take my son to a doctor myself to have his spine looked at, but my son is my step-son so I don't have custody, and since my ex moved out, he doesn't get me involved in a lot of things now, especially when it comes to school and doctors. Where I used to be the primary caregiver, I have been demoted. :-(

As far as the pictures go, I think I am pretty safe, I gave that information to my attorney's to look at and I am hoping that if they see it will be a problem, I will just go from there.

It sure is hard to prove what you know and what can be proved, it is exhausting for sure.

Thank you for all your great advice.