About to begin mediation & need help

[ExMilitaryDad]

The mediator told us that exchanges took place at 8am unless specified otherwise.  So when I have to go be at work by 8 I have to drop him off sooner anyways.  But if it is my day/night to have him then it does not matter when I get off of work or if I work at all that day.  It is my day.  The problem is she does not have a job right now so I have to take my son to her every weekday while I am at work and then go back to pick him up.  So I am at her mercy when she takes my son an hour away to visit the zoo or do other activities.

Last week when I left work early to handle some other business in the city I informed her early in the day that I would potentially be leaving work early and that I would text her when I left work so she had 20 minutes notice that I was coming.  She told me to not come until 430 because he would not be available until then.  She also claimed his nap time is from 230 to 430 when in mediation she described his make belief scheduled nap time as 1 to 3 or 330.  So I also caught her in a lie.  Then I sat in the driveway for a half hour waiting after I knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, called and text her.  Then this week she had threats of "if you don't agree to [this] then I will not give [son] to you Thursday and consider your time forfeited for this week" 

This must have all caught the attention of the mediator as she emailed us asking to meet within a certain time frame.  I responded immediately.  I have not heard anything back from ex or mediator so I am assuming that this means ex is blowing the mediator off.  Tomorrow is the last business day ex will be in town for over a week and we have been waiting on the recommendation for three weeks now.  So I would think blowing off the mediator could only be one more thing that will help my odds.

We did not cover first right of refusal during mediation.  Never made it that far.  But I am planning on requesting it.  Ex at one point said she would give that to me but if she gets a bunch of time taken from her (in her mind) then who knows what she is capable of.  I seriously do not know who this person is that I am dealing with.

[ocean]

Yes, you need some help with a more defined order. If you have to use her as the babysitter while you are at work then it is for the hours you are at work. So if you work until 4 she can bring him to the zoo on her day or bring him to the zoo and be back by 4. If you dont have first right of refusal now, why are you using her as the babysitter? Do you have family that can watch him while you are at work if it is not defined in the order? Whoever helps you write the next one, make sure it has specific language so she can not play games.

[MixedBag]

OK, let me chime in from the OTHER side as a babysitter....

I babysit my grand full time -- and NAP time is not set in stone for a CHILD.  it is child driven, not grandma driven, or mom or dad.

SO....if either Mom or Dad texted me and said they were coming early to pick up the child, I'd text them back and say "Chloe is zonked ... not a good idea."  Afternoons are Chloe driven.  I can lay her down at 1....she talks until 2, and then zonks out.  OR she can zonk out right away. 

If you gave me 20 minutes notice that you were on your way, and she's napping, I too would say "she's napping, so stick to your normal time"....  If she's had a good nap and is still sleeping when Mom or Dad pick her up, then waking her is not a huge issue for the evening.  BUT if she didn't go to sleep until later, waking her at pick up time is a bear.

Heck, my ringer goes OFF at 1 pm until she gets picked up so she doesn't HEAR it .... the house is on full "silence" mode.

[ocean]

Babies that go to daycare get picked up when their parents get there. Kids can be put on a nap schedule that fits both parents needs. Sounds like this mother is using naps and activities to interfere with dad picking up child after work.

[ExMilitaryDad]

Currently there is no temporary order.  They have requested a hearing date but that is all.  The current schedule is what she came up with and since she does not work I have basically been forced to abide by it since she has him all day long.  The mediator said that parents take precedence over family/friends as babysitters.  So even though it is my day she has first rights to him.

The day she refused to give him to me I notified her at 10am that I would potentially be off work by 3:30 or 4.  I then text her giving her the 20 minute notice.  Then sat in the driveway waiting until she decided to come to the door. 

This morning as I was dropping him off with her I told her I might get off early today.  She immediately got heated and said she would be busy with him and the kids.  Again making plans on my days so that I cannot show up early for him.  Coincidence? 

And we could easily put our son on a schedule that would work for both of us.  The problem is I have a job so most of the required times reflect when I need to be up and out of the house and when I get off, etc. She said during mediation that those times only work for me and do not for her so she would not agree to them.  The mediator asked for his schedule with her and she began to rattle off what all they do during the day.  "We get up, eat breakfast, play, eat a snack, have lunch, play, take a nap..."  I stopped her and asked what TIME these things happened.  That is what makes it a schedule after all.  She threw out some times that I can see right through and began poking holes in.  She stated that his nap time was from 1 to 3 or 330.  Then when I show up at 4pm off early from work, she texts that his nap time is from 230 to 430.  So not only is she keeping my son from me during my time, she lied to the mediator.  That has to be obvious to the mediator when I have screen shots doesn't it?  But is that enough to sway her decision more in my favor?

And our window the mediator wanted to meet within has come and gone.  I am not sure if ex contacted the mediator at all or not.  And ex is out of town all next week on vacation with our son.  How does that look to the mediator if ex didn't respond?

[MixedBag]

Not good to the mediator....BUT the mediator only has the power to do two things:

1.  Goal is to get you two to communicate to work out an agreement.

2.  Report to the court in one sentence "Mediation succeeded or Mediation Failed" -- can not blame either side if mediation failed and can not be compelled to testify as to what happened in mediation.

[ExMilitaryDad]

Well we are not going to agree.  She wants it her way or no way.  And that just is not how this is going to work.  I will not become a paycheck to her and only see my child a few weeks a year.  She wants to leave me, then fine.  But I will not lose my child as well.

And we had another incident within the last few days.  I emailed my 30 days notice on some vacation time I have planned with my son for Labor Day weekend.  Labor Day is my holiday but that Friday, Saturday and Sunday are not.  So I thought I would take 3 days vacation and have a long weekend.  Well ex did not like that and said 'Sorry. That's my weekend. we already have plans that can't be rearranged. We will follow the holiday schedule.'  I forwarded this on to the mediator and asked for guidance.  Ex apparently claimed she could not afford to pay for another meeting.  I explained to the mediator how she stole over a thousand dollars from me, has millionaire parents paying for all of her divorce expenses and she has generated some activity with her business.  So that is a lie.  Then the mediator said ex could meet next week.

This makes the 3rd incident within the past two weeks or so.  I understand that the mediator's purpose is to try to get us to work through the divorce, but that just is NOT happening.  Ex is continuing to do whatever she wants to because she does not understand that she does not hold all the power anymore.  I am told that our mediator will bluntly tell someone 'you need to stop doing...'  Has my ex done enough to receive that talk yet?  Who is going to give her a healthy dose of reality so I do not have to continue dealing with this? 

Because at this point I see no end to ex's games unless someone with legal authority stops her.  And what do I do if the mediator does not stop it.  Do I just documents everything and take her back once my attorney feels like we have enough to file a motion for contempt?  I do not want things to get that far but I know it is coming.  What advice does everyone have for documenting?  At some point my ex is going to realize that I am saving texts, emails, etc.  She will stop communicating her behaviors and just do them.  So how do I PROVE what she is doing if she does not say it in black and white?

[MixedBag]

What kind of orders do you have now?  temporary ones right?

In your final decree -- make sure that holidays are spelled out to include the appropriate 3-day weekends.

My EX did that to me too -- tried to say Labor Day was not a holiday we should share -- I was only supposed to have Saturday and Sunday....because Labor Day was NOT included specifically.  I was hurt...but that only lasted a little while.

Call the mediator and ask that mediation be terminated and closed so you can move on to get divorced and  let the judge issue a final order with parenting time defined and ask that to be 50/50. 

[tigger]

Wording for holidays should be something like:

Memorial Day:  After school or 12 noon on non school days the Friday before Memorial Day until 8 pm Monday evening. 
4th of July: After school or 12 noon on non school day July 3rd through July 5th at 10 a.m. on non school days or dropped off at school on time if school day.

Thanksgiving:  After school or 12 noon if a non school day Wed through Sunday at (whatever time a normal weekend would end.  Ours ended at 5 p.m. on Sundays.)

Also, not only should you alternate years for holidays, you should also alternate the holidays within the year.  My first order had my ex with all but one holiday one year, me having all but one the following year.  It wasn't fair.  The next order he wanted to keep it the same (to match his stepson's order) but I refused.  His lawyer told him that no judge would refuse my request as it was fair to our boys and his stepson wasn't relevant to our case.  (His stepson's father thanked me because it was the catalyst to get his order changed to something that was fairer.)  I listed the holidays on a paper in order that they appeared within a calendar year.  I skipped down to Christmas and gave the dad odd years so that he would have our boys at the same time he had his stepson.  From there I alternated - Thanksgiving he would have even, Labor Day - odd (with a notation of what to do when my birthday would interrupt the weekend - I would take the following Tuesday as my birthday), 4th of July - even, Memorial Day - odd, Easter - even,

[ExMilitaryDad]

Yesterday we had a one hour meeting scheduled and it went for over three.  Ex tried to hash more drama with my family and how she is seeing our son suffer by being away from her so much.  She mentioned that a family member of mine should not be able to watch our son since he smokes marijuana.  I asked her if she shouldn't be able to watch him since she smoke marijuana.  She said she only ate some chocolate one time while in Colorado.  I quickly followed that up by reminding her that she brought it back into our state both years we visited Colorado and then sold the edibles to her friend and that both of those acts are felonies.  Complete silence. 

So long story short the mediator felt like we were close on getting over the hump of bickering and fighting over little stuff so she told us what her recommendation would be.  I will be gaining an extra two days per month putting me at 12 days per month and then we will go back to mediation at age 5 and look at 50/50.  While this is not completely what I was hoping for I thank God for granting me the extra time.  I have no choice at this point but to live with the arrangement for three years and then hopefully my ex and I will be on an even playing field from then on.  That is if she does not do something to self destruct between now and then.