mediation ordered..

[John-J-Jay]

Yesterday the judge ordered my ex and i to go to mediation. As you know i've had custody for over 8+ yrs. My reason for going to court was to ask for child support. The ex is contesting child support thinking a woman shouldn't pay. So she filed a motion to try to make this into a custody case. in mediation what are the advantages and disadvantages? I'm sure she will come into mediation asking for custody but i'm not moving an inch when it comes to that.

has anyone ever attended mediation? if so does the mediator review the case and basically picks a side and tries to get the other side to settle?

Thanks
John

[mistoffolees]

It depends on the mediator. A good mediator doesn't take sides and tries to get the two sides to agree on a fair settlement. A mediocre mediator just tries to get an agreement regardless of whether it's fair or not. A poor mediator picks a side and tries to bully the other side into agreeing. Bottom line is that choice of a mediator is critical.

The way it is handled in our state is that one side presents 3 names and the other side can choose any of them or reject all three and provide 3 names of their own.  If you have the option, you'll definitely want to consult with your attorney on which mediator is most likely to be fair.

Keep in mind that mediation is non-binding in most cases. If you don't agree to something, they can't force you to accept it. OTOH, if you're insistent on one issue, you can sometimes get the other side to back down if you give in on other issues.

You always have the option of just flat out not agreeing to anything. But I would first consult with your attorney on who your judge takes that. Some judges will get a bit testy if it appears that you're unwilling to budge on anything.

In the best cases, mediation leads to a settlement that both sides agree to and will honor. I would approach it with an open mind and hope that you can achieve that.

[MixedBag]

and works to keep the two parties communicating.

Focus on the child.

Stick to the issues that are important.

and don't feel like you personally are a failure if mediation fails if she's asking for custody.

Remember what she has to prove in order to change custody as opposed to proving what you need to to get CS ordered in court.

[John-J-Jay]

about a year and a half ago i had a life changing event occur where i had 3 debts go bad and they became a charge off. I learned yesterday that they might use that against me in an attmept to TRY to show the court i'm not responsible. But i had to choose at that time do i pay the credit cards or provide for my child and i choose to provide for my child. is this a change in circumstances having a charge off?

[jilly]

No...that's called BS

[MixedBag]

In that case, I would have had custody of our son a long time ago.

[mistoffolees]

>and works to keep the two parties communicating.
>

That's true in an ideal world. Mediators are like anyone - teachers, police, factory workers, etc. There are good ones and bad ones. While my mediation experience was mostly positive (he did refuse to take some of my financial calculations to the other side which I believe biased my case, but it worked out in the end), I've heard some horror stories.

In any mediation situation, I would try to get the court to use wording like "Side A chooses 3 mediators and Side B can select any one of them. If Side B does not like any of the three, then they can choose 3 and Side A can select any one of them. If that doesn't work, then, and only then, will the court appoint a mediator".

Since the attorneys know the local mediators, each side should be able to avoid the real problem ones.

[williaer]

I would google 'credit' and find some statistics on how many people have good credit in this country...guess what...NOT MANY! 3 little measly debts are not enough to change custody. Her attorney should and likely DOES know that- they are trying to strong-arm you.

[williaer]

ok- this was your answer to someone else:

>>>How long have you had custody of your kids? My ex tried to use the same method/theory against me regarding a credit report but the judges don't care that you have a charge off or delq. they rather that happen than let the child go without. <<<

I'm thinking you are just needing a ton of reassurance or somethng...you say right here that it didn't work....

So are you really wondering, or is this situation already settled, I'm confused.