Changing custody

[kbryce]

I was referred here by some super great folks on a new yahoo board I joined. They give you credit for saving their families! Well, mine needs saving. I will give a general post as it says to do in the introduction, to give background info.
I married my husband 10 years ago, his son was 2, my daughter was 4. We lived 2 hours away from son but visitation was normal. A year later, son's BM picks up and moves to Fla with son. We went to mediation to figure out a visitation schedule but nothing was ever recorded in court. All these years BM has been threatening us, telling the child how horrible we are and so forth. Whenever we have visitation it is a huge drama regarding times and locations to meet. In general, ANY contact he has with us causes him GREAT stress in his home life. So we have tried over the years to stay out of their lives unless we absolutely HAD to deal with her about visitation.
Last summer SS refused to go back to Fla, this isn't the first time, but he is 12 now. We hired an attorney at his request and filed for custody. Attorney didn't seem to think we had a case and has drug her feet while sitting on our huge retainer. Meanwhile, SS had to go back to Fla and now has endured almost a year of constant harrassment about how horrible we are and lies about us. She even forwards him emails between herself and my husband. Now he has changed his mind and doesnt want to come here.
In delving into this we found that SS has missed around 25 days of school per year since kindergarten. Their home is filthy and he is charged with babysitting their adopted 3 year old constantly. We found photos of SS on myspace holding a gun (BM claims it is a BB gun but looks real to me.) The SS never comes with medications yet she claims he has ADHD and Asthma. We called doctor who would NOT confirm asthma.
We are faced with SEVERE PAS and possible munchausen as well as Educational Deprivation. BTW, just for humor, this BM is a teacher in Fla.
It's no wonder she has been so horrible to us over the years, she didn't want us to find all this out. Now we have, SS says he doesn't want to live here now, but we have all this info.
I need advice on how to carry on. Have a hard time justifying mortgaging my home on yet another attorney (ours is apparently useless) for a child who claims to not want to live here. My daughter says he does want to live here but can't say that while his BM is around. She tapes all of our conversations with him.

[gemini3]

It's going to be tough, and there's no guarantee of a positive outcome.  How does your husband feel about it?

[janM]

What state are you in?

I'm not sure he has enough for a change in custody, except maybe the absences from school. How are SS's grades?

He is old enough to babysit their 3 year old.

Florida is a two party state, which means she can't record phone conversations without dad's consent (at least she couldn't use them in court) and taping a minor is a NO NO.

Sounds like he needs a more detailed long distance parenting plan.

[kbryce]

We met with the GAL on Weds morning and the boy told him that he wanted to live with us. He confirmed to the GAL all our claims. The GAL is especially concerned with the photo of the boy on myspace holding a gun, the absences from school, the severe PAS and the fact that she has only let us see him 11 days in 11 months. There is no way you can be an effective parent in that situation. The GAL wants to move directly towards having the boy talk to a judge, he was pretty upset with our situation.
We are in SC and the boy is 12 and failing school.
There is no, zero, chance of a long distance parenting plan. His BM has been deemed unmediatable and you can't even hold a normal conversation with her. No one can. I went to check out his myspace page and now she has posted, open to the public, all his friends first and last names and their phone numbers. I think she's totally losing it. He is here with us this week, going to talk to our attorney today and see where the GAL wants to go next.
Yeah, she says, this phone call is being recorded. But you see, she won't let us talk to him at all if she can't record it. She is recording a minor.
This woman thinks she is above all laws. She ignores court orders unless they serve her and cares nothing about breaking laws to serve her purpose. We have pretty much been letting her dig her own hole and taking notes while she does it. This has been going on for ten years. Just last year we brought this motion, it was easier on the boy to let it go and he would beg us not to make a big deal out of her actions because he was the one who caught the brunt of it. Finally last summer when he refused to go home, we brought a suit against her.

[kbryce]

My husband wants his son, he feels like the boy needs a strong male influence in his life. Keep in mind that even though this woman blocks all attempts for my husband to parent his son, there isn't a day that goes by when he isn't part of our lives. My husband has never let a week go by without trying to talk to his son at least once, he has never been late on child support and he thinks about his son all the time. Right now he is EXTREMELY concerned about his son's well being.

[gemini3]

If the GAL is on your side, ask for temporary emergency custody until the hearing.

Just a note, some GAL's will tell you what they think you want to hear just to make you think they're "on your side".  The GAL in my husbands case told him that he was going to make a recommendation in his favor, and then when we got to court he made no recommendation at all.  

Good luck!

[janM]

If she is posting minors' personal info, I would be calling those parents and letting them know what she has done. I'm sure they would be thrilled to learn their kids are at risk!! OMG!!

[kbryce]

I did call the parents, it started a huge fight. She called and said via speaker phone in earshot of SS, "your wife is an evil B***h. My husband hung up on her after telling her that she was not to call here ranting. Then she responded in email, only at first she didn't notice we were copying the GAL on the emails. Then she recanted saying she was watching Enchanted with her adopted son and was talking about the evil step mother in the well in the movie and that we needed to get a grip. I swear she would rather lie than tell the truth even if the truth would serve her better. It's constant blatant disrespect for me, my husband and my daughter, constant lying, constant harassment while he is here with us.  
We took him back to her on Sunday, I can breathe again. At least until summer visitation gets closer then it will begin again. What is so sad is that it isn't my SS that is the problem, he's a great kid, he listens, helps me around the house and is generally wonderful. It is dealing with his mother that leaves me feeling like I have been in a car wreck. The minute we drop him off back with her there is total silence. Two weeks before visitation it all starts again.
Does ANYONE know how to make this stop? I honestly can't keep doing this.

[gemini3]

I don't know that you can make it stop, but there are steps you can take to make it easier for you to deal with.  I highly recommend the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" - even if your husbands ex hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, her behavior sounds very much like that of someone suffering from it, and the suggestions you'll get from the book will be very helpful.

My husband and I practice "low contact, parallel parenting" with his ex.  It's something we just started about a month ago, and it's worked really well so far.  

Parallel parenting means that you don't get involved in how the other party is raising the child while the child is with them, and they don't get to be involved when the child is with you.  While it's not the ideal situation, a lot of psychologists will recommend it for high conflict situations because it spares the kids from being subjected to all of the conflict.  This doesn't mean that you allow abuse or neglect to occur on their watch - it means that if something like that does occur you filter it through the proper channels isntead of trying to address it with the other parent (because we all know where that goes).

Low contact means that you only engage the other parent when absolutely necessary, and you ONLY discuss the matter at hand, and only things that directly affect the kids.  For example - pick up/drop-off's, doctors appointments, school stuff, etc.  When you do engage the other party, try to use only e-mail.  Keep your e-mails short, to the point, and the tone friendly.  If you get a "spewing" e-mail back, ignore it.  If you get a nasty phone message, record it for future use in court, and then ignore it.  Only address valid issues, and only if the e-mails/phone calls aren't abusive.  If she calls, hand the phone directly to SS.  If it's excessive, set up a time that she can call once a day to check in with her son, and let all other calls go to voicemail.

Lastly - as much as you love your SS, you have to let your husband fight the battle.  Don't get involved with the ex.  Don't talk to her, don't read her e-mails, don't listen to her nasty phone messages.  Just be a good step-mom to your SS while he's with you, and wash your hands of it when he's not.  There's really nothing more you can do, and trying to control the situation will only drive you crazy and possibly ruin your marriage.

It's tough to do this.  We struggle with it regularly, but it has helped.  Good luck!