new, with HUGE question...

[supportivestepmom]

Will try not to be too long winded....
Have 2 stepdaughters. 8 & 14. Have been a part of their lives for 6, almost 7yrs now. Mom and I get along pretty well. Trust me, this only came about with a lot of hard work on my part. It took me FOREVER to get her to understand I don't want to "mother" her children, just make it easier for dad to "father" them. In the beginning I had noticed that the youngest one was the apple of mom's eye. If the older one had toenails, fingernails painted she was trashy, but if younger one did, it was cute, etc. Well mom had a baby.... He is now 3. As soon as he was born, younger sd cold turkey STOPPED being mom's "fav". She began to yell and scream at her all the time. Mom's own sister (who I am friendly with) has even witnessed mom refuse to hug younger sd b/c she wanted hug or kisses from little bro. Mom went and bought the 3 yr old (at the time he was 2) a brand new pair of fila's (shoes). Younger sd had been telling mom that she needed new shoes for about a month prior to this. Younger sd comes to our house with the soles of her shoes super glued back together. NO LIE.....

Well mom had another baby. She is now 6wks old. We have week / week summer visitation (we live less than 10mins from each other). The girls went home Thurs. On Friday I get a phone call from mom's sister. Apparently mom made 8yr old bathe the 3 yr old little boy. He slipped and fell. He broke his leg so bad, he spend 2 nights in the hospital and is now in a body cast. Mom went home with the 6wk old and younger sd, older sd stayed at hosp with bro and her step dad. Mom did not return to hosp until 11am. Lil bro had been sedated since 930 while they were trying to cast him. Mom's sister thinks this is another one of the "the new baby gets the love". Is is possible for a mom to only be capable of loving one child at a time?

My hubby and I didn't think it was a good idea to begin with when younger sd came here and said mom makes me take him to the bathroom. Should a 8yr old be helping him hang his little thing over the commode? We don't think so.

Hospital called CPS b/c of the nature and severity of the break. CPS said this is her one and only wake up call. If they are ever called again for an incident such as this, it could be bad for her. CPS doesn't yet know, and had not yet spoken to her, when mom made younger sd feed the 6wk old the very next day, while she got ready to go to the hosp. Mom's sister told me CPS was gonna follow up with her and make sure she understands that my sd's can help mom with house hold chores, but should not be responsible for the care of the two younger children.

Mom has not even called my hubby to tell him about this traumatic event that has occured in their daughters life. Not one word. Isn't it rather an important thing to tell a parent if your child has to have a one on one with a CPS worker?

What should we do, if anything. I don't want to take her kids from her, but I would hope she would be adult enough to say... look, I am having a hard time right now, can you guys help me with some things. I would help her in any way I can. They are finacially stressed (new baby was not planned) and she was supposed to start work again soon. 3yr old in body cast for 8wks. Day care won't take him.

[junglechicken]

Wow.  Tough situation.

First things first.  What does dh want to do as per a plan of attack?  Does he even want to pursue action or is he taking the "wait and see" approach?  You kinda have to follow his lead here.

As for expecting bm to admit she's having difficulties and can't handle her children...don't.  Not likely.  We've bdtd on many, many occasions with our bm and it's plain she can't handle them, but even when asked by dh, confronted, etc, she won't admit it.  It's a huge hit to pride, and frankly, I don't know about your bm, but with mine, pride's all she's got.  Ours never told dh about a visit (or visits) by our child services people, or any of the other traumatic events she's subjected my sds to.  Pride.  Gets in the way of her being a decent mother, but anyway, you can't prove that in court, so....

Perhaps (with dh's blessing) you could *offer* your help.  She may just accept a hand.  Unless she's too proud.  What is her own family doing to help her?

[supportivestepmom]

I will talk with hubby. He knows I have always taken the approach of NOT wanting to mother his kids. If anything I want to help the relationship b/t moms and daughters. I was raised by my father, no mother or step mother. I would have loved to have a mom I could talk to.
On another issue. Younger sd has not shown any remorse about her bro being hurt. No tears, no feeling guilty, no nothing. Mom's sister and I have told mom before that we think she needs counseling. When mom first had the now 3yr old little boy, younger sd would cry when she had to go home. If she were with us over the weekend, Mon and Tues she would cry at school. We don't want ot go behind her back and put younger sd in counseling. But if mom's approach is gonna be "what happens at my house is none of your business". Then why can't we use the same excuse?
Please don't misunderstand. I don't want younger sd in counseling for our benefit. I want her there b/c she has some issues with no emotions when bro got hurt, with NEVER wanting to go home, and with saying little stuff like "well why do we have to go home? She don't want us there anyway" She used to LOVE mom's house as much as ours. I desperately want to help mend this mother / daughter relationship before it goes too far. And I know that it is really none of my business, but I would hate for this child to grow up and throw all this unhappiness back in her mom's face, when mom might just need a little help.

Mom's sister is trying to help as much as she can, but she just had a baby too. They had them 3 days apart. 2wks after both of them had a baby, before 3yr old got hurt. Mom was sending the 3 kids, sd 14, sd 8 and liitle bro 3 to her sister's house. (Sd's have been spending mom's sat nights with her sister for as long as I can remember, so now lil bro goes too). Mom's sister doesn't want to turn them away, b/c she loves her neices and nephew, and she feels like mom may just need a break, but that gives her...sd 14, sd 8, her 3 1/2 yr old, lil bro 3yr old, and her own new born.

My hubby and I are taking all 4 of our kids on vacation this weekend. We will be on the beach for 4 glorious days. When we return I am goonna invite mom to lunch and have a brain storm. We have gone to lunch before together. I will wait until she feels comfortable enough to tell us what happen before I even offer our help. If I could just get her to understand I REALLY only want to help her.

[junglechicken]

If you're able to tell mom what you've written here, it might go over well.  

As far as the little one, your younger sd, well, she's been displaced as the favourite, right?  Seems to me there's misplaced anger there.  She's mad at her little sibling(s) for dethroning her.  

A frightening thought, but I have to ask - was she the one with the little guy when he ws hurt?  Do you think maybe *she* hurt him, intentionally or otherwise?  I have heard of that happening, and if you do find out that was the case, please, please get your husband to do what he has to do to get the girl in counselling, with or without the mother's consent.

[supportivestepmom]

Yes. From what we gather, only hear say from mom's sis, younger sd was the only one in bathroom with lil bro. Mom was in living room on couch, my sd's step dad was not home from work yet, and don't know where older sd was. Probably feeding or rocking the 6wk old.

I have though about your "frightening thought". My hubby said the same thing. He said she may feel like at least this way she doesn't have to take him to bathroom or bathe him anymore. She is a immature 8yr old and I don't think would have congered this up as a way to get out of taking care of him. But whose to say she was being rough, or short, or just irritated b/c mom made her do it and it was an accident, but b/c younger sd was not paying attention. Not that I would ever blame her. It is 100% mom's fault b/c SHE should be taking care of the lil ones and letting my sd's have "kid lives".

CPS came to her house today. Unannounced. Took pics of bathroom and told her that under no condition should the 2 older kids (my sd's) be bathing or taking care of the younger ones. I really think mom is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. CPS came in, mom is there, my sd's step dad is there, my sd's there, but 6wk old and 2yr old with a body cast on, are at day care. I am sure CPS found it strange that mom sent the child with a body cast on to day care while she and her hubby were home.

I want to reach out to her badly. but she has to make the first move. I know that if I call her and try to pry things out of her I will be "being noisy". So I will wait, and when she calls I will do everything I can to help her take a deep breath and step back and look at things from another perspective. I wish she would hurry up and put the pride aside and call already.......

[supportivestepmom]

Mom never did call and tell us what happened. When we got the girls last week. Younger sd said "mom said I could tell ya'll what happened, But if I told ya'll about that lady that I had to talk to, she would spank me."I did text her and tell her that young sd said lil bro hurt himself and she did agree that he is in a cast but said that he was just running around, not that sd was bathing him etc. Why lie about this? So what CPS is involved. If it was really that bad they would have contacted my hubby and tell him to take girls. We recently asked for custody modification for wk/wk but she is unwilling to try this. So I guess we are court bound, which means cps case will be brought to light.