someone watching children

[army_dad]

I was divorced in Oklahoma.  When my ex and I divorced I talked to several attorneys in that county and they all said the same thing....one gets custody and the other gets visiation....there was no shared parenting or even joint legal.  
My ex has custody.  She has jerked me around on visitation by denying me and taking off with the kids.  I filed contempt and for a custody reversal, attorney said its unlikely that I would get it for the first contempt but we had to start somewhere.  The judge fined her, and gave me a heck of a lot bettier visiation schedule than I had.  He also much to mine and my attorneys surprise ordered that all transportation be split 50/50...meaning I would get them and she would pick themup unless we agreed otherwise in writing.  I am in the military so I was theone who moved....due to military assignement so her attorney fought it, but the judge said he wasn't going to punish me by making me do all the transporation since I didnt willingly relocate and that she married had children and divorced me all while I was in the military.
Our order also says that the visiation schedule is at a minimum and that extra visitation in encouraged.  Everytime I ask for something extra she says no....then has had the nerve to send them off to her parents for a week at a time....the same week I have asked for.  When I asked my attorney he explained that she can legally do this on her time, and that when she had the kids  she could do what she wanted and when I had the kids I could do what I wanted and if either disagreed that much we woudl have to take it to court.  
Ok so when the kids were with me for 8 weekd during the summer I had to go TDY for 1 week.  I left the children with my wife and parents (kids grandparents) she told me she wouldnt allow this and I had to return them to her.
There is no Right of First Resual in our order and it says nothing about 3rd parties.
Am I not allowed to do this.?

[Davy]

Army Dad

Like your atty said "..when I had the kids I could do what I wanted .."

You may place the kids with wife and GP's !!!  You're doing great !!

[Gram]

I'm new to this whole custody/visitation thing, but isn't the purpose of visitation so the non-custodial parent can be with his/her children? If it's your visitation and you cannot spend it with the kids, shouldn't the custodial parent automatically have them? It seems to me that the kids should be with a parent whenever possible, instead of with a stepmom or even grandparents. Couldn't you work out a different week for your visitation, when you can actually be there?

[army_dad]

I would love to do that but my ex will not work with me at all.  The week I was gone was during my summer visitation which was a total of 8 weeks.  
Applying your thinking if she isnt going to be with the kids shouldnt they be with me?  
By the way we live 10 hours apart.
I understand what you are saying but the military doesnt work like alot of civilian jobs....you have to go when they tell you.

[Sunshine1]

DO NOT take that advice.  Your kids have as much right to spend time with Grandparents, Step-parents, extended family as they do with you. ( It is assumed they are not in danger with these people) They are ALL family, and you may entrust whomever you wish to take care of them while not with you.  Do you have any kids with your new wife?  They should be able to spend time building/bonding with their half siblings as well.

When it is your time, the Custodial parent does not have the right to dictate what you do with your time and who you spend it with unless it is ordered differently.

Keep up the good work.

[army_dad]

yes, my wife and I have a child together and they have step siblings as well.

[Sunshine1]

Exactly!  When on earth are they suppose to bond if as soon as you have to leave some where the child must leave because YOU aren't there.  That is really stupid.  It really irks me when people have this opinion that the step parent isn't worth a damn and they believe that they have no right to be with them.

Keep doing what you are doing and I applaud you for staying in contact even though you have to leave for these long periods of time.  Meanwhile she should get to spend this time with other relatives that love her too.  I had an intact family when growing up, and I spent most of my time at my older sister's house, my grandmother's house and my aunt's house, simply because I loved to go there.  I bet your child does too.  Tell the BM to kiss your butt, she is just trying to control your life now that you are not together the only way she can, through your child.

[army_dad]

Thank you for the support...I know many are dealing with this.

I guess I am just concerned that legally she can take the kids from my wife if I have to leave them in her care.

[Davy]

Gram

I certainly agree with you in principle that children should be with a parent whenever possible and encourage whatever efforts you have for your children in that regard.

Army Dad's plight was during a long visitation period when he was called away temporarily (TDY) and probably without much notice.  
Exchanging the children with a difficult parent is disruptive to the children and their expectations.

BTW, I dispise the term "visitation".

[Gram]

I apologize. I should have said "parenting time." Like I said, I'm new to this. I'm just trying to figure out what's really best for the child. It's just so hard to trust other people (extended family, step-parents, friends) just because the ex thinks it's okay to leave the child with them. Yes, of course it's his child too, but if he can't be there for his parenting time, especially for a whole week, I think he should check with the mother to see if she can have the child in his absence. The child has the other 7 weeks of his parenting time to bond with step-sibs, see the grandparents, etc. But I think Dad should be there with the child. It's different for the custodial parent (I hope that's the right term) who has physical custody of the child for the majority of the time. It seems to me that it would be impossible to check with Dad every time she couldn't be with the child, for work, appointments, etc. Am I too biased about this?