Getting more visitation/custody from crazy ex

[flagmom]

I think the amount of visitation you are getting is more than I have seen in most states for a child so young. Whether or not you like the mother or she is insanely jealous. The baby needs her most of the time. Her reaction and jealousy to you does not make her an unfit mother. Is she doing anything blantently wrong that is endangering the child? Emotions tend to be high with a new baby. Calm down til the baby is 2 1/2 or 3 years old. From a child developement point of view the child is still identifying more so with the mother which is natural and right. I can understand why she doesn't like you, you are pushing the father to attack her legally. I don't think you are innocent or being very understanding. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment - if you can. The father is right to be good to the mother and not push her for more.

[msme]

If he allows this to continue for 2 to 3 years, it tells the court that he is happy with the situation & will keep it that way. He needs to bond with that baby now & he needs to get out from under her thumb.

Barring proven criminal activity, there is no reason that a father can not take his child over night or even out for a walk in the park. She has plans to use this against him. She proved it when she said she couldn't let him set a precident.

My bet is that she already has a lawyer & he/she has advised her to keep control until after the baby is a year old. Then they will go to court & say something like, look it has been a whole year & he has never taken her anywhere or kept her overnight. It will be her word against his & he won't have a leg to stand on.

If I were in his shoes, I would take my mom along & a video camera so grandma can take pics of her darling grandchild. Then with the camera rolling, I would say,"It is such a beautiful day, I think we will go over to the park & get some nice shots there.

Also make sure that any cheeck or money order he gives her has child support written on it or it doesn't count.

One of 2 things will happen. Either she will agree & thus you have your precident. Or, she will refuse & you will have that on tape. If she refuses, he can calmly ask why & she will hang herself a little higher. Of course, she might also go ballistic & try to grab the camera or something like that. That would make great evidence, as well. Of course make sure you have the tape recorder running too.

Good luck & God bless!
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Gram]

I agree with Flagmom. There's no reason for you to be involved in any of this. The BM is feeling threatened and protective, and the best thing you can do is stay in the background. If the BF wants to be a part of the child's life, the best approach is to be kind, polite and generous to the mother of the child. I don't blame the mother for insisting that she be present for the visits. She isn't taking any chances, and has no legal obligation to even let him see the baby.

[Ref]

I have to say, as a SM, I would do whatever I could to back out of the spotlight. My Sd's BM is insanely jealous of me and has been from the moment she knew of my existance. At first I dreamed of us being the type of people who could talk to eachother on the phone about Sd's probems etc... unfortuantly between her drinking and emotional problems that was not going to ever happen. It has been 12 years and she is still hostile toward me, so I let her get her way in this. It actually benefits you to stay out of the way and your boyfriend was the one to lay down with the ex, so let him deal with it.

As far as overnights, there is no reason he should not be allowed to have the child overnight. The only problem is, without a parenting agreement, your boyfriend has not rights, so LEGALLY he can't have the baby overnight.

My advice. Get a great lawyer and file papers (you CAN help him here). Make sure he asks for everything to be spelled out. Look up some of the parenting plans here and draft something up.

Good Luck
Ref

[starlabrite]

I don't really think that I am a key problem in this issue.  After being too depressed for several months and not having enough money for it, my boyfriend finally got the nerve and opportunity to consult with a lawyer.  Please understand that what I have said to him about seeing a lawyer is very limited, and his parents have said a lot on the issue, but ultimately, he's been wanting to see a lawyer since before the baby was born.  His ex just had him too depressed, and at the time, he didn't have the right amount of "lawyer money."  The first step he will be taking is to have the lawyer send his ex a letter asking for the amount of visitation he wants.  All she has to do is sign the letter and send it back.  My boyfriend believes this is going to create some tension, because she won't agree to it, but it's the first step he is able to take, as he is completely unhappy going to his ex's house to see his daughter.  He wants to have his own time with her, and even being in that house makes him depressed.  
I am not a subject that even gets discussed with his ex unless she brings it up, then my boyfriend tries to change the topic, as obviously it really is none of her business.  I have never met her, and I haven't met my boyfriend's daughter either.  I think it will be quite some time before I am able (if ever) to do so.  I can certainly understand how his ex would be emotional...but in a very real sense, she should be over any feelings of jealousy she might have had.  As I said, when their daughter was conceived, it was a fling...they had broken up six months previously.  At the time, she cared nothing for him, and all throughout her pregnancy, she made that very clear.  Prior to even conceiving a child, she claimed she couldn't use birth control and didn't want my boyfriend to use condoms, and because of that stupidity (on both of their parts) they put themselves at risk.  My boyfriend believes she wanted to have a baby in the first place...as I mentioned before, she is very controlling, and that would definitely give her something she craved.  He has obviously seen more of her personality than I have, but even he admits that she has a sickly malicious desire to control other people.  He says her mother is like that to.  And statistics show that daughters raised in such family's tend to keep that personality type...does that mean that my boyfriend's daughter will grow up to meet the same fate as her mother?  

[starlabrite]

I am not interfering with visits at all, as I have said, so she need not feel threatened by him.  It is true that she has no legal obligation to let him see the baby, but she claims to be a devout Christian, and she made a promise to the father to permit him to see his child.  I don't think promises should be so easily flung away.  My boyfriend is currently consulting with a lawyer to get legal custody of his daughter, not to mention unsupervised visitation.  She has no problem with him being at her house left alone with the baby when it's to her advantage (she wants to go to some even), but with any other scenario, she finds it problematic.  That simply doesn't make sense.

[melissa3]

If he's the first to get custody.

Father's, whether you want to believe it or not, should have the same rights as mothers. There is NO reason for why a Father shouldn't bond with his baby when it is very young. And there is no reason either parent should kiss the ass of the other to see their child!! This mother that the poster speaks about has no right to deny him his child. Legally she might, but morally she doesn't. Also, denying visitatioN isn't ALWAYS a mothers attempt to safegaurd her child; more often than not its a way of gaining control.

There is no reason a Father shouldn't have his baby alone for visitation or overnights. I don't understand why we still have this archaic belief that only women should care for the children in their early years. Are mothers the only ones that stay up late at night to cuddle and feed the children?? Absolutely not. In a married home, BOTH parents pick up the parenting responsibilities. Why should that change for divorced parents?

Women everywhere are fighting for "Equal Rights" on the bases that "women can do everything men can". If the statement "women are the same as men" is true then why can't we assume that men can do everything women can do??? It seems to me that some woman are not fighting for equality at all. It seems instead they are looking to be reconized as being greater than men. Neither sex is greater, we both need eachother (and eachothers differences) to survive.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is both mothers and fathers have the ability and should have the right to care for their child. Neither paretn should be considered "better" than the other and neither parent should take precident over the other (unless certain situations dictate otherwise.)

[Cookiemomma4]

>
>Women everywhere are fighting for "Equal Rights" on the bases
>that "women can do everything men can". If the statement
>"women are the same as men" is true then why can't we assume
>that men can do everything women can do??? It seems to me that
>some woman are not fighting for equality at all. It seems
>instead they are looking to be reconized as being greater than
>men. Neither sex is greater, we both need eachother (and
>eachothers differences) to survive.
>

This is not how all women feel or what all women are fighting for...some of us really do believe in equal rights.  I know many women who feel the same as I do although I do realize where you are coming from.  It is the same way with any group of people who have been oppressed for many years.  

[melissa3]

I do apologize.

Also, I'm sorry if I was abbrassive, I'm just a little frustrated =)

I recently looked at a site that was supposedly advocating Children's Best Interests in divorce cases. However, the articles were all about "mothers rights" and there was very little mentioned about the children. I was angry because the main objective of the site was to prove how woman get shafted in divorce. The site barely mentioned what was really important - the children!! This isn't the first site of this nature that I have found, either.

One of my other biggest problem with the woman on that site was they refused to believe there were actually decent men out there who really wanted to be a part of their children's lives. The message I got was all men are a$$holes because THEIR husbands/boyfriends screwed them over. It even gave advice on how to get a false restraining order to better your chances in getting fully custody!!! Nowhere did the site advocate both parents working together for the benefit of the child.

My advice is for both parents to work something out. If they can't come to a mutual agreement, then find something that works solely in the best interest of the child and leave emotions and hang-ups out of the mix.

 Good luck to you.

[Cookiemomma4]

And I totally agree with you and your views that it is about the children.  Screw the mother's rights and screw the father's rights...what about the kid's rights and sense of security and love!  Far too many people forget this  even when they are still togeather!  Children need to be the focus because they can't look out for their own best interests now can they?

I just get a little erked and speak up when people say that all woman are out to get the man and control this and that ect ect or that all men are deadbeat dads and can't nurture their child because as we all know this is not ALWAYS the case...