Help me---I am going to mediation and am torn!

[Aggiedad]

See update at the bottom!  You helped out a lot.  It just takes so long to get things going sometimes.  I feel that I am doing the right thing and appreciate your help and concern!  Aggiedad

[dsm]

it is natural for your DD to miss her mom.  She needs to know, however, that it is for her own safety and in order to help her mom be a better mom that things have to be the way they are right now - and her therapist should be able to help with those coping mechanisms to get her through.

Keep us updated on what happens.  I'm sure your mediation will be short given that they will not agree.....stand your ground and protect this precious girl!  
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dsm - 35; DH - 39; SD - 16; LO - 10; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[Aggiedad]

Let's just say, it did not go well.  DUH!  If we were able to agree on something I would not have to file a motion to modify.  

They did not even except to see the child supervised, they choose to basically not see her at all.  It is ridiculous. OH well, I guess I do not have to worry about seeing them for atleast a little while longer.

Aggiedad

[MixedBag]

see it's over and now things can press forward.

Look at it positively....

[Aggiedad]

No kidding!  We atleast found out their strategies and their evidence.  Their lawyer told the mediator everything and he in turn told us.  

I guess the lawyer was thinking that we had no real evidence and wanted to scare us with what they supposedly had.  When the mediator found out what we had, he about fell out of his seat.  And we did not even disclose the "real evidence".  Just what we wanted them to know we had so we could throw them off.  

I hope and pray it turns out ok.  The worst that can happen at this point, is that we will continue with the same arrangement we have now.  Not god for the child...... we will appeal everything until we get what we want!  Aggiedad

[dsm]

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dsm - 35; DH - 39; SD - 16; LO - 10; BB - 3
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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Live, Love, and Laugh

[msme]

Might I suggest a good way to handle your fears that your child may feel she is to blame. We teach the philosophy of choices. Explain to her that everything we do involves choices.

For children they are mostly little choices. Like choosing to do her homework quickly so she can then watch her favorite show or choosing to play around & miss the show. The choice is hers.

Then explain that adults have many big choices to make. Sometimes they make the wrong choice & then they get themselves into a jam. Her GM made a poor choice when she told her not to tell. So, her GM is responsible for the outcome of her choice. That does not make her a bad person, it just makes her a person who made a poor choice. She is not to blame when some one else makes a poor choice.

A good anology might be something like if she were in a car & the driver fell asleep & bumped into another car, would she think she was to blame. No, the driver made a poor choice by not stopping to rest when they felt tired.

We also have taught the kidlets that anytime someone, especially, an adult, tells you not to tell your parents something, if it is not about a birthday or christmas surprise, that means that you must tell, right away.

Good luck & God bless you, we will be praying for you.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Aggiedad]

THis helps/  My wife came up with something similar.  But I really like your wording.  WE talked with her about what happens when me make a mistake at school and someone get hurt or in trouble.  We explained it to her like that.

We are also letting her counselor at our children's center help.  My child has had to be told so many times this speech due to her mother's run in with the law, so I think she might be feeling that we are always telling her this.  THey are a great group of people.  

The war has officially began today.  BM and GP's are filing motions to enforce visitaion instead of going to the TRO hearing.  Not sure the reasoning behind this but we will see.

Aggiedad

[maid marion]

I haven't read the responses to your inquery but my situation is something like yours. Father and I had joint custody. Placement with him as he was the stay home parent during our marraige. (long story)
Recently he attempted to kidnapp our child but was apprehended and now is facing felony child snatching charges. grandparents were in on it.
I now have sole custody and agreed to supervised visits with a court appointed individual. He has since stoppped the visits and is now being held without bail as he violated the NCO.
My child thought that it was her fault as she wanted to go to Florida to visit grammy. I told her that it was not her fault in anyway and that she had every right to want to go visit her grammy. I told her that moving to a different place was a grownup choice and that she didn't do anything wrong. When he cancelled the visits I told her that the gal that supervised the visits called and said that her dad wasn't ging to be able to see her for awhile. She knows that I won't lie to her and she believes me.
Asfar as grammy goes. She constantly called here at first and then(on the advice from someone at this site) I picked the phone up one day and told her that if she wanted to communicate with our child that she could do so through the us postal service. She has yet to do so.
I never speak ill of either of them in front of my child and no one else is allowed to either. Even if what they have to say is the truth.
I plan to allow my child to communicate with both of them through letters (so that I can monitor what's being said) As soon as she askes to write to them I will allow her too. She hasn't asked yet.
It's hard sometimes to know what to do but remember that you are your child advocate and it's up to you to protect her. Reassure her that she's done nothing wrong and that if she wants to communicate with them that you'll help her write a letter or even draw some pictures for them if she wants. She may not understand what's wrong but she'll know that your willing to let her communicate with them if she wants to. She'll understand why it has to be this way when she gets older.
Good luck and God Bless,
Maid Marion

[Aggiedad]

The judge did nothing but say that the cousin could not be around my child.  He did not even touch the issue of my daughter being left alone with her mother and the gmother telling her not to tell.  

He is sending us to a court ordered parental coordinator who will come up with the final order (another new program in Texas so be ware!).  We are giving up.  We have tried for numerous years to make this work and it is not.  We have tried to work with the other side, but even through all us this, my daughter still tells everyone she can that she wants to live with her mother and grandparents and hated us.  So we are giving her her wish. She can go live there and turn out like them.  I can not prevent it from happening.  She gets to choose in a couple of years to go live there anyways.  

I know you will think that I am crazy.....but I spoke with her therapist this morning and she said that we can not undue the damage that this child has had from the other side and the situation is only going to escalate based on the last years of patterning and the fact that the child does not want to change.  The daughter does not want to be with us and is going to do everything in her power to damage my family until she gets what she wants....to live there agian.  I can honestly say I have given it 100% my all to protect her, but have not done my all to protect my other children in my home that she is hurting through all her problems that she is bringing from there house and acting out on them.  

I want to thank eveyone for always helping me and I know that I am making someone mad out there because I have what they want...but I can no longer do it at the expense of my family.  I am losing others just for her and I have to make a decision.  I do believe I am making my decision based on that it is in her best interest to make her happy, but I do fear that she will be emotionally and physically scarred for life no matter if she lives with me or her other family.  I can not longer battle this war.

Aggiedad