Help me---I am going to mediation and am torn!

[notnew]

I hear ya and I've seen your posts. It is a sad situation. But, your emotions are very high right now so please don't make a final decision or sign on any dotted lines until the dust has settled, your emotions are settled and you may have a different view. If you still feel the same, then you have to do what you think is right.

I am so sorry that things aren't working out for your child or your family.

You need some time to yourself to relax a little.

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[msme]

Please don't do it. She is only 7. You can undo the damage. It won't be easy but her grandma & her mother are going to show themselves to her. I would find a new counselor. One that is interested in protecting her. I find it hard to believe that a reputable counselor would say something like that & say that they may as well go on hurting her.

Does she have a CASA worker? If not, get her one. Sometimes a neutral party can be a great help. They can also testify on your behalf. Make sure that you have lots of people to testify on your behalf to the parental coordinater. Someone needs to protect this child.

What did your attorney do at the hearing? It sounds like not much. You might want to run this by Socrateaser & see what he has to suggest. Remember to follow his guidlines for posting.

Good luck & God bless you & your family. I will continue to pray for all of you.

[notnew]

I didn't realize. I read a lot of the postings, but somehow missed this very important detail in my mind. Getting old I guess.

msme is right. Please think about this. 7 years old, she is still a baby and there is time to repair what has happened to her mind.

Yes, please run things by Soc and see what he suggests. I agree, sounds like the lawyer was a jerk. You should also exercise your rights of appeal or file an exception asap.

We are all pulling for you!

[MixedBag]

Get a copy of "Divorce Poison" and read one of the chapters later on in the book.  It gives a pretty good guide on when it is right to give up.

I suggest you don't and this comes from experience.

DH managed to turn around all three of his children who at one point were cussing him out worse than a sailor (I think that's the phrase), to opening their eyes to the truth.

The older two were 17 and 16 at the time, and the youngest was 7.  Even the 7 year old today (6 years later) has woken up.

DH also overcame geography -- and the fact that he got long distance parenting time as opposed to close distance time with every other weekend and such.

There is HOPE.

[Aggiedad]

My attorney was awesome.  She did everything she could...objecting, questioning, pulling out all the evidence.  She has a CASA worker and she gave her recommendations as well as the therapist that they need supervised contact only and the judge did not pay attention or listen.  

When he gave his final saying....the case workers and people listening in the audience we at a loss.  One woman who I had no clue who was she was crying because of what the Judge had to say.  

I realize she is only 7...but the flip side to that is, she is only 7 and looke what is happening.  She will be pregnant by 12 or in Jail along side her mother.  No matter how myc hmoney and time I have I can never change her thinking, her mindset...nothing.  

I am going to allow her to stay with their family for the summer.  I am not going to exercise my summer visitation and see how it effects me and my family.  My wife is supporting this issue, even though I know my mind will not change.  

I know it looks like I have made this decison overnight and in reaction to what happened yesterday.  But I have been thinking about this for a year now.

My daughter is not happy unless I am buying her elaborate things and taking her by herself someplace.  She is always picking on my other children and causing problems because she does not feel that she fits in in my family.  I have tried to make her fit it as well as my direct family and in-laws...but she chooses not to participate or be an active member or cause a big stink to where we have to leave family gatherings.  She is old enough to know what she is doing.

I have had several people in association with this child tell me that she is very manipulative and good at what she pulls (this is mainly fromm school personel and friends of parents).  She can not even go to friends houses any more because I am scared of what she is going to pull, steal, and lie about.  THere is a lot more issues than what I have let on.  I am just giving her what she wants...to be with her mom.  


If someone could gaurantee me that everything will get better, than I would change my mind.  But no one can.  I have been hearing that it will only get better, but in three years it has only gotten worse.  I have lost my house, my mind, and almost my marriage over this and I  can no longer do it.  I have given it an honest effort, but the law will not take action and my daughter will not put forth the effort to try and be happy here and get along.

Aggiedad

[smtotwo]

after years of fighting with the ex,  dealing with ungrateful children who act like their mother, and believe they are simply entitled to whatever they want , he has given up.

There will beno contact with the kids until they make the choice to contact him.  THey are 10 and 12.

she will continue to recieve her $200 a week in support, and one of the kids told DH that if he had a better job he could support them better, he will not relinquish his rights, but he will no longer make first contact, its up to the boys now.

I'm very sad but if he needs to pretend he doesnt have children, deal with the situation then thats what he needs.  I cant force him.

Good Luck.   Our hope had been that they would see normalcy, a stable relationship but they dont care.  My kids have been in the same school since pre-K,  skids have NEVER gone a full year to the same school.  They move every 7-10 months.

Courts dont care, wont help.  We're done.

Prayers to you and your child.

[Aggiedad]

There is nothing to appeal.  We have researched it and talked with her about it as well as my cousin who is a DA in Houston and we have nothing to base the "alleged sexual abuse" on.

If she had said it was a man, his nuts would be on a platter by society and by me.  But because my daughter has made up stories in the past (and admitted to lying) the judge made the decision to just slapp them on the wrist.  I can not live like this anymore.

I want my life back, this is a very hard decision, but she will never be happy here and will make my life miserable until she gets what she wants.

Aggiedad

[Aggiedad]

This is how I feel. THere is nothing that I can do anymore.  My wife is a teacher, and she has seen through her eyes that some kids just will not make an effort to change and are "a lost cause".  

I have beant over backwards.  I have rules in my house and my daughter does not abide by them.. She can not spend the rest of her life in her room being punished.  This is where we are.  She is on a daily basis picking fights with my wife, her siblings, and other children she is around.  

It is hard.  But she is unhappy and identical to her mother.  They can live in misery together.

The parts that rreally hurts, is that she would rather live someplace where she does not have her own room and own place to sleep then her at my house where she has her own room full of things, love, and a stable life.  I have given her eveything she "needs" but not wants.

Some children need to be with thier mother...no matter how sick they are.  All i can do is pray at this point that god will watch over her and that someday she will udnerstand.

I asked God to give me a sign on what I need to do no yesterday.  As i was walking out of the courtroom, I got the phone call from my mother in law stating what my daughter had done to another child (let me remind you she did this to my child an another one within the last couple of months).  To me that was it.  He was telling me I have done my all, I can no longer protect her from their twisted home life and lifesyle and Ihave to choose between my family and her.  Well I have choosen peace and my family.  

Thanks for the support.  Vindictive women (I am not a woman hater) in general make life He** for people like me who just want peace.  I would love for my daughter to go down there, be kept safe, visit with them, and return.  But I am battling a child, her mother, and grandmother plus their tainted life style of drugs and abuse.  I surrender.  I am not strong enough to endure this pain any longer.  

Aggiedad

[msme]

your frustration & anger. Have you considered a course of inpatient therapy. We have been in a similar situation for years. My granddaughter benefitted greatly from a few of stays in Red River Mental Hospital. They worked intensely with her & then when she came out, they have a day program, with school that the patients attend for 4 to 6 weeks until they are ready to return to their neighborhood school.

Putting her in there the first time was probably one of the hardest things my son ever did in his life but it did help. He got Custody when she was 9 & by 12, she had been there 4 times. She used to threaten suicide so that she could go there to feel safe. She is now 14 & finally starting to see her mother for what she really is.

One thing you said in your last post, just clicked & something my son did might help you. You said that she refuses to follow rules & is very unhappy. Her behavior is probably one of 2 things. Either she believes that negative behavior is the best way to get attention or perhaps she has been told that if she is bad enough, you will give up & let her live with Mom.

We went through both situations with MDGD. Her therapist told my son & his wife not to respond to negative behavior. Simply, quietly state that her behavior was not acceptable. Take a pencil & a piece of paper & print out a positive affirmation, appropriate to the situation. It could be as simple as "I know it is important to tell the truth." Send her to the kitchen table to write it 25 times.

When she finishes it, quietly tell her that you hope she will continue to improve. Then tear the paper up & have her throw it in the trash.  Supposedly, doing that will drive home the message that when we do something for a person, they should appreciate it. By you tearing up what she just did, she should experience some frustration of you not appreciating what she has done. Anyway, it does work for them.

When I tell you that we know about a twisted vindicitive woman who plays with a childs head, I am not kidding. She has & still continues to tell her lies but MDGD is starting to see through her & take control of the situation.

Another thing that has helped was my son telling her that we will never lie to her. And we don't. He did tell her that some things are for adults only & therefore none of her business. Court is one of those things & until recently, he has never spoken to her about any of it.

This time, though, the PBFH told her that he had taken her to court & was trying to get the court to ban her from ever seeing her & her brothers, again. He did have to tell her that her mother had initiated the case & he was only defending himself.

Actually, she had taken him to court & charged him with contempt for failing to produce the children for visitation on 3 weekends at the end of 2005. Of course, she forgot to mention to her free lawyer that she had failed to show for visitation since dec of 2004.

She had gotten to talk to her mother when her dad was nice enough to let her & the boys spend a weekend with her aunt & her maternal grandparents. He told them that if they brought her mother out to see them, there would never be another visit because their therapist said they needed reunification counseling after not seeing her for nearly a year & a half.

They did not bring her out but did call & let her talk to her, not the boys. The PBFH used that call to lie about the court & get her all angry at her dad. We thought she was going to wind up in the hospital again but he helped her & they got through it together.

The PBFH used to tell her that it was her job to break her daddy & his fiance up. That way she & daddy would get back together & they would be a family again. When that came out & didn't work cuz they got married, she then told her that if she was really bad, & did bad in school, her daddy would get mad at her & send her to live with her mom.

All that got her was the chance to repeat sixth grade. It was a rough year, but she learned more about the kind of liar her mother is. One thing that we always tell all the kids, (my son & his wife have 8 kidletts between them) is that there is nothing they can ever do to make us stop loving them. We tell them that we may not like what they do or they may disappoint us, make us angry and such but nothing and no one can ever make us stop loving them.

We feel that all kids need to hear that frequently. I hope this gives you some hope. I realize the pain you are in but the pain of losing her will be worse. Reconsider not using your summer visitation. Consider video recording as much of each visit as you can. Make plans according to her behavior. If she is good, you will do something special on the next visit.

Document all of this & if things get worse, you can get your lawyer to file an emergency ex parte order to stop all visitation until you can get back to court, hopefully before another judge.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Aggiedad]

I have had some time to talk it over with several poeple and I have decided to change my mind.  I realize I was pretty adament, but something else has happened as well.

Her mother and grandmother do not want to raise her.  Her grandmother said that they can not offer her the life that I can. (money wise and school related possibilities).  So now what.  They said they are wanting to change their ways because after heaing all the people talk from the hearing, it opened their eyes to what they are doing to the child.

Now we have been down this road before and it has gotten us no where, so we will see.  I am going to try and take her to a better therpaist.

Thanks for the help.
Aggiedad