HELP! MONTH OF JULY HELP!

[sabor06]

Ex has visitation for whole month of July while I have two consecutive weekends, I am CP, he wants to LET ME have them all weekdays of July and he only EVERY weekend. My kids are 9yr and 4 yrs they have not spent more than one-two nights at any given time apart from me. To me as well to them this is gonna be HARD if not devastating. (one point)

Now, NCP is still not current on CS and reason for divorce was insupportability. Will I be enableing him if I allow him not to have the responsibility of feeding and clothing and providing daycare for them during that Month, and he will have the parenting responsibility too.

My heart says "Give me my Babies!" my brain says "It's your turn!"

I am torn, divorce decree states month of July with him.

He has called Sherriff on me several times, I am also "1st Communion Girl" for those of you that remember.

GOD BLESS!

[notnew]

From  your post, I am a little confused.

I understand it this way:

You are CP, He is NCP.

Month of July Order says: You get two consecutive weekends and he should have them the rest of the month 24/7. So a correct example of this set-up would be this: He has kids from 7/1/06 - 7/31/06 and your weekends are: weekend of 7/15-16 & 7/22-23.

You said he wanted to alter this plan so that YOU have them every day and he has them only on the weekends.

That means the kids would only spend 1-2 nights per week away from you. 9 & 4 is plenty old enough to stay with NCP for any length of time and since they are together it will make it easier I am sure.

It will not be devastating for your kids to be separated from you for them unless YOU make it so. IMHO - the problem lies with you and it seems you are making a decision to make it a problem for them. In turn, IMHO - that is emotional torment and not a good parent thing to do.

ON THE OTHER HAND - If you believe he wants to change the schedule to avoid paying daycare, etc., for the time frame the order changes and THAT is why he wants to change the order, then perhaps you should stand by visitation as the order states. After all, that is what he agreed to. Now, if you do stick to the order, then the kids will be with him for the extended time period that SEEMS to be the real problem for you.

So with that in mind - what is the problem here?

CS has nothing to do with visitation so you need to separate the two in your thought process.

If the order was drawn up and agreed to by both parties and now you don't like it for your own personal reasons than shame on you and you have to live with it. If there have been events that have occurred that now make it unsafe for the children, then you have a reason to modify and shame on the other parent then.

I do remember vaguely the posts about the communion issue. I cannot remember all the details, but it seems like you two are at odds most of the time. This is not good for the kids.

My personal opinion? Get your heads on straight and STOP blaming each other and being angry for things that happened in the relationship. Move on with YOUR lives and let the kids love both of their parents. Let those kids spend the time they are supposed to with the other parent without a bunch of grief.

BTW - Your BABIES will be grown ups one day. Please please raise them to be independent, responsible people and not insecure infants who cannot take a step without mommy or daddy leading them by the nose. I know that they are still young, but your comments lead me to worry about how much you are leaning on them for your emotional stability and how that will make them emotionally unstable adults.

I may be way off base, but from your post, this is the impression I got. Don't know if this will help you make a decision or not, but it may help you to see how others see it after the way you are presenting it.

I hope things work out for the best.

[sabor06]

NO No NO, my kids are very independent and I KNOW they will be OK in
the month they are with dad. MY reasons for even considering HIS suggestion and keeping them with me are totally selfish, in that I do depend on them for my well being, since my life has revolved around them and I am a MOTHER first then a woman. Yes I would agree with you that that is not right, and I am working to be independent from them. I do NOT lean on them for emotional support though, they do not know the hardships I go through raising them financially or emotionally or the strife I have in dealing with their father on these issues, that's why I write to you all.
His motives for wanting to alter the order I really do not know, I am assuming. All I have is 13yrs of past expirience with this man. Money was always the KEY.
But since writing this I got an overwhelming response to my dilema, that goes like this.

"Stop enabling HIM and make him step up and be a Father to those kids, you(me) will be ok, it's ok to have a break once in a while, allow yourselft to let them go, and they will be ok without you"

I thank you for your input and your thoughts, it was well written and very clear to keep it all in perspective.

[notnew]

YES -  you do need to let them go and take a break. YES - you do need to let Dad be a Dad even if he resists. He agree to the order and now he must stick to it.

IF  you find out and are able to PROVE that he has failed to provide properly for the kids while with him, then you have reason to ask to change things. Until them, the kids should spend all the time they are supposed to with him. If I were you, I would not agree to his changes. You know the money situation history better than anyone and you are probably right, so don't let him squirm out of it.

NO - you are not a mother first and then a woman. You are a woman who is a mother. You need your own idenity and your own personality that is not enmeshed with your children't lives.

NO - You cannot let your life revolve around your kids. You can allow them to be the most important thing, but you MUST have interests of your OWN. Don't get so lost in mothering that the "you" of pre-child years is lost forever too.

It sounds like you are on the road to awareness of these types of things. Do let the kids go with dad and do something for yourself for a change, I am sure you more than deserve it!

[sabor06]

Thank-you you brought tears to my eyes.

My biggest fear is saying "No, I do not want them with me" or "No I want to abide by court order" does it make me a bad mother? He (NCP) knows my weakness.

I will stay strong and hold my ground. Thank you again for your kind words.

[notnew]

It doesn't make you a bad mother to want to smother your children, it makes you a bad mother when you actually do it.

The fact that NCP knows your weakness is something you will have to turn around. Stand strong, follow the letter of the court order and let the chips fall where they may. When he sees you are unbending and he cannot get the same reactions as he used to, things may change. If not, his bad behaviors will only become even more apparant.

The best thing for you to do is follow that court order. Remember the court looks at this in this manner: You and ex are now in a contract that is the order. If the parties follow the letter of the contract then the court is happy. If not, then the court will impose changes and/or penalties. The emotional part of the picture does not count one bit to the court.

You have to let the kids learn life lessons on their own. I can tell you from experience that it is the hardest thing to do - watching them stumble, knowing they are going to fall and not being there to catch them on purpose. You are still at the point where you are the guiding hand most of the time, that will be less and less as the years go by.

They also have to experience Dad on their own and you cannot buffer that at all.

Good luck. I do wish for the best even though I sound harsh sometimes.

[awakenlynn]

Does your ex work full time?  Days/nights?  Is he remarried?

Just from experience, my husband works full-time and sometimes his hours are crazy.  I know before he met me, because of his work schedule, he wasn't able to get the visitation he wanted.

If ex is working and no spouse(or a spouse who doesn't like the situation) to watch the kids, then it would be in the children's and his best interest, if you had the kids all week and then he get them every weekend.  This will allow all 3 of them to get quality time with him without worry.  I would rather have the kids(provide daycare, as it were) then have him ship them to a daycare.

Lynn

[sabor06]

He is a nurse, works 10PM to 6AM, and he sleeps most of the day, his FINANCEE is a CNA, and works 7 AM to 7PM, they have rotating shifts during the week.

FUNNY--------This sentence made up my mind MORE----------
This will allow all 3 of them to get quality time with him without worry. I would rather have the kids(provide daycare, as it were) then have him ship them to a daycare.


The "him without Worry" hum... what about ME and my 24/7 since 1996...

Thanks but no thanks.

[sabor06]

Thanks! Your words encourage me to go on!

[notnew]

About work schedules - that is a problem.

I have had this issue arise with my child and me and my wife both had to work with no vacation to take.

We enrolled child in day camp that provided lots of great activities. Child had a great time. We only had to do this for one week, but if time frame lasted longer like whole month (your scenario), then it would be a regular occurance.

If I were you, I'd ask for committment for kids to be enrolled in wholesome day camp. No "day care" acceptable. I wouldn't want the kids to sit at someone's house watching tv all day or crammed in a typical day care during the summer when they could be enjoying enriching activities - at Dad's cost of course.

If he refuses, I would take it back to the court. You may not have the legal stand to make but it would be worth a try in my opinion becuase it is in the best interests of the children.

Good luck! - You ALMOST had a break.