HELP! MONTH OF JULY HELP!

[sabor06]

I know where he will send them it would be with his future MOTHER-IN-LAW, I am guessing cuz that is where HER 1 1/2yr old goes now. I do not have my kids in day care now, I have a live in Nanny & my mom lives with me at my house.

[notnew]

A live-in Nanny. That is a dream come true and you are very fortunate you are able to provide for them that well. Kudos!

I still believe the "structured" camp type of environment for daytime supervision would be an acceptable alternative. There would also be the acceptable alternative such as grandma and I are spending the days together this week. But not every week.

While I realize the fiancee's mother is future family to your kids, the connection is not that strong IMHO. I don't see any problem with SM watching kids while I have to be away or working (occassionally, but not often - which the ex objects to), but her extended family members are a little iffy. I still think a fun day camp would be better.

I hope you get to work it all out. Maybe keep all this in mind for a mod. before next summer?

[awakenlynn]

Because of his work schedule, you know if he had them all week, they would be in daycare.  He wouldn't get anytime with them.  I think it is a fair trade.  He would actually get to spend some time with them.  They would get quality time with their dad.  Which whether you like it or not is in THEIR best interest.  This has nothing to do with what you want.  He is apparently trying to have a relationship with them.  There are plenty of dads that could care less.

Would you like him to take vacation for the month of July and not pay you support.  

You choose to have children.  I know being a mother is hard work. I have 3 kids and a step daughter.  Her best interests and the childrens are most the most important thing.  Not my wanting a break.

You latched onto the phrase "him without worry"...what about me and my 24/7.  I hate to tell you even in a marriage that works the mother is ALWAYS 24/7.  If you want him to keep to having the days, then you will live with the fact that the kids will probably be in daycare with someone you don't know.  You will know that forcing the kids over there when your ex is working is not in their best interests.  It will make a very stressful situation with 2 working adults coming home to take care of the kids that he asked to switch to weekends.

That kind of makes you the bad guy in the situation, not him.  Your right if you are mad at me, that I don't know the whole situation, I only know what you stated.  I know that we have been on the other side of the situation.  And I know that by putting yourself first and not the kids, you are promoting PAS and trying to hurt the kids relationship with their dad.  And your ex will resent it and make things harder when he can because of this situation.

My 2 cents.

[sabor06]

You are too funny!

You assume that I made the COURT ORDER.

A few months ago... When I was left without a nanny for 2, two whole weeks and I had to juggle my kids from Aunts, to strangers, did he step in? NO but I am to ALLOW him to make changes to HIS best interest? Kids are kids they will prevail. My kids are smart, independent and very adaptable.

I have had to struggle to buy them clothes which in turn he keeps and then my kids want the clothes because DADDY does not take them anywhere, so their good clothes not Walmart wannabies, he states no they cannot take them. He has yet to purchase a pair of socks, undies or let alone clothes or shoes for them when they go over there, but I spend my money left and right for who? Damn Right my KIDS, who are the most important thing to me.

All I am saying YES "notnew", my close family and friends, who know our history, YES follow the court order why cuz he is just trying to weasel his way of being a responsible parent. WHATEVER daycare, family member, camp arrangement HE will have to make is gonna be 10 steps in the right direction for this boy to grow up and be a Man, Father to his kids.

I will always be there for my kids and I will be a phone call away and a 20 min drive, 15 if I book it!

[notnew]

Since you took a poke at me in your response to Lynn, I had to take a few minutes to review all of these posts before replying.

You keep making conflicting statments. You don't want the kids to spend time away from you becuase it would be devastating but then you want to MAKE the Dad be responsible and force the order as it stands.

You talk about how hard it has been on you to support your kids financially, yet you have a nanny and buy good clothes for them - not Wal Mart Wannabes. Let me tell you something, you are acting like a snob and there is no other way to put it. Not many people can afford nannies and name brand clothes. YOU are fortunate you are able to do that for your kids. RECOGNIZE your good fortune and STOP rubbing it in your ex's face.

MAYBE for you can stop thinking about yourself for one second and put your kids first. MAYBE you might be able to see that their father has realized that the kids cannot possibly have as much fun at his house during the whole month with the work schedules in place. It must be a pain in the rear to compete with the lavish lifestyle you so obviously enjoy treating your little darlings too. I shudder to think of the behavior problems you are dealing with or what will come in the future.

I see that HE is TRYING to make decisions that are in the best interests of his children - not to make you happy (which will never happen I can see clearly). I see that you are trying to screw their little heads up beyond repair before they ever have a chance to know their Dad and think that he may ge a good guy after all.

He pays child support yes? YOU are responsible to provide clothes for the kids to wear when they are with him. Is he keeping all the clothes so that you literally have to buy things over again so the kids have stuff to wear? Somehow I think this is not the case. If a few things get left at his house, what is the big deal? It's not like the things are lost or the kids are never going back there again. Also, maybe your ex doesn't buy Wal Mart wannabes for the kids because you will do something stupid like throw them away or not let the kids wear them. That comment tells me he probably has bought clothes and you made it a bad scene.  Clothes are clothes. They don't have to be Tommy Hilfiger, Polo, Vans or the like to do the job. You are being unrealistic and setting up for a lot of bigger issues down the road.

I also don't believe that Daddy doesn't take the kids anywhere. AND YOU NEED TO REMEMBER THIS - just becuase he hasn't seen them for two weeks DOESN'T mean that he has to play the part of an entertainer in making it a whirlwind time for the kids and heap gifts on them. If he is making the time together "normal" with errands to run, house cleaning, etc., along with sometimes movies, family gatherings, etc., then HE IS DOING THE RIGHT THING.

YOU are not his parent. He will learn or not learn his own life lessons. From what I see, you have your own life lessons to learn.

Perhpas it was  a mistake for you to marry far below your oh so high position. Because obviously you have NO idea what is is like for us common people who struggle to pay the bills and keep our heads above water - WITHOUT A NANNY - OH MY GOD - how do we do it.

You are the reason this site exists. I am so very happy my ex wife is just as poor as I am becuase I am sure if she had money like it sounds like you do, she'd be the same as you.

You  need counseling to learn how to stop alienating the kids father. YOU are a problem for your kids and damaging the relationship they have with their Dad. You also need to work on your communication skills becuase they are sorely lacking.

I have tried to tell you to get your own life and let your kids enjoy their time with dad. You aren't hearing what Lynn and me have been saying. You are trying to cause an argument.

I hope the relationship between your  kids and their Dad survives you. I also hope you get the help you need so you can see the parent you are really being. Your kids deserve better. No amount of money can replace loving parents.

You have said that your ex has used police and courts against you becuase you refuse to abide by things as ordered. Believe me, unless you get it together those kids will be living with Dad eventually. You need to think about what is really going on here and do something with the VALUABLE advice you have gotten here.

I apologize in advance if I have violated any board rules. I could not keep this in and felt like it had to be said. I also tell you in advance that I will not be responding to you in the future so you may consider this my last word on these matters.

[sabor06]

Actually, I guess I need to clarify the picture you have of me.

I live in a run down 2 bedroom mobile home, I buy my daughter Sears, Target and sometimes Dillards, yes they do have some Walmart Clothes-especially my 4yr old son, my 9 yr old wants better.

I did not contradict myself cuz, originally I felt devastated that they had to go with dad. But you "nontnew" and several other friends made GOOD sense and I ran with it and made myself strong and MADE him be responsible. Cuz I am a grade A "enabler"

I have a "Nanny" cuz I can not afford to put them in daycare, I pay my Nanny 100.00 a week and DayCare was 750 a month for two kids. I took the least expensive way out.

Yes my ex took all my daughter's shorts and skorts, so all I had at home were pants (not good in Summer), since I do buy her pricy clothes I have limited few.

I shop once a year in Houston (8hr drive) at second hand clothes stores for MYSELF and for my kids (everyday wear)

And to tell you I make alot less than him, he is a Nurse and makes over 5,000 a month, while I make a third of that a month.

So he can afford to do, provide, buy all those things mentioned above.

He has quit his job everytime the CS order finds him, he wants to shirk his responsiblities, and YOU 'notnew" plus a few of my friends said STOP being his MOM too, and trying to bail him out everytime, so when LYNN said I had to allow him that behavior I snapped.

But do NOT make me out to be a bad guy cuz for 13yrs I put up with HIS manipulative behavior, I SETTLED for the run down car, run down mobile home, the second hand clothes, for WHAT I say

For him to have his 3 bedroom house, brand new Mustang, and a 21 yr old girlfriend, who I see them eating out everyother weekend (when the kids are not with them)--confirmed by the rumor mill since we live in a small town, while I PACK my lunch everyday, and he does not treat his kids when he can financially! I buy a pizza & rent some movies once a month!

My checking account is always negative, and I am behind two property payments, my taxes are over due by 2 yrs, all why cuz when he left he left with 4 property payments in his pocket, (by the way) my money that he said he made those payments when my schedule did not allow to drop off payments. 3yrs behind in taxes, and a leaky tub, electrical short, and etc, etc, all I have had to do on my OWN!

So don't judge me!

[notnew]

This post gave the most consistent information to date. Please go back and read the things you typed before. There are many conflicting statements in several of your posts. When you post like that, it makes it difficult for others to know what you were trying to say.

Your situation sounds rough becuase now I see that you are living in a 2-bedroom home with You, your son, your daughter, your live-in Nanny, and your mother. I don't know how you are swinging that, but I know millions of people live in cramped quarters and it is a sad fact of life.

I'm not going to comment about the new home, car thing becuase I think that if he's that rooted, he can't run very easily, but I have never been in a position of trying to get child support so I cannot speak from experience.

I still see an angry bitter woman after all is said and done and as long as you hold on to that anger and bitterness, that is all you will be. I will say it again - you deserve better for yourself and your kids deserve better. Stop living in the past and push ahead to the future.

If you feel he is not paying the proper amount of CS - petition the court for a review. Based on what you've posted, it looks like you are living on roughly $1200 per month (that is after nanny is subtracted) without counting CS. I know it is happening all over the place, but it seems pretty damn tight so I am amazed you have been able to make it work at all.

Being poor is not easy, I know. But you have to make the best out of the life you have been dealt. It is what it is and if you can't get out of the past, you will never be able to work to build a better future. We all hope for better conditions in our lives and somethings happen and others don't.

Nearby to where I live a man who was 72, who owned 2 newspapers and was well known in the community and wealthy just killed himself for what appears to be absolutely no known reason. What could have been SO bad that pushed someone who seemingly had it all to end it all?  

My point is that it really doesn't matter what material possessions you have or how well liked you seem to be to the masses. What MATTERS is the YOU on the inside and that shines out so the people on the outside see who you are. What are they seeing in you? Personally for me, I strive to live a simple, honest, and good life. I try to treat others as I would treat myself and I would want others to treat me. I do the right thing as much as I can even if it is the hardest thing to do. I try to make good choices for my mental health about the relationships with family and friends. When someone has wronged me and I have the chance to do something wrong to them, I don't. NOW, if I get the chance to force them to do something right, then I will. That is divine justice and is MUCH sweeter then going tit-for-tat.

No matter how angry you are at your ex for what happened in the past and for what is happening now, you have to let it go. Let the kids spend the time they are supposed to with him and remember that HE is responsible for them when they are with him. Unless they are in physical danger or not being cared for properly, you should stay out of it no matter how much you want to object. It is his parenting time and he needs to have the opportunity to parent - he can stand or fail on his own.

You need to concentrate on the things we have discussed in these posts and let your kids see the mother and person you are. If he is such a bad guy, then time will reveal all to those kids. You trying to force the issue will only make everyone resent you.

[sabor06]

Nanny in pull out couch in living room, My mom and daughter in 2nd bedroom on bunkbeds, my son & me in my room, by the way I have 3 dogs, two cats.

 My poodle and yorkie sleep on my bed with us, my blue heeler outside guarding the place, my cat and her baby stay outside to keep the snakes and mice away!

And yes I feed them all.... We live on rice & beans sometimes but god keeps it all together, and when he doesn't I pawn my jewerly, the pawn store sees it more often than I do.

I hope I can move on as you say, sometimes it is hard, and I am angry and bitter sometimes cuz I see the future bleak, I would like to provide a home for my kids that does not have a view to the outside from the flooring that is rotting out.

Yes I feel rage sometimes at him and ask myself WHY me? If I helped him get where he is today, (by the by-I helped pay for his nursing school, he quit his job and went to school full time while I held down the fort), while I am left with.... enough about that you know all.

I hope we can track him down, I live nearby three major cities that have the main type of employment to be Healthcare. I know he will not move away persay but there are enough places he can transfer to.

I keep hearing "El tiempo hace justicia" Time will deliver justice.  

[awakenlynn]

I know you are very angry about the situation you are in but many of us are in the same situation.

My husband has a daughter who is 13.  She LOVES having name brand clothes.  Together we have 3 kids, 8, 4 and 3.  He makes 3x's LESS than what her husband makes.(she doesn't have any income, but uses his in financial affidavits).  She give the 13 year old everything she wants.

We are behind in our mortgage payments too.  Later this year is turns adjustable and our credit is so bad, we can not refinance.  We have no A/C even though the heat literally makes me and my daughter physically ill.  We do not have cable or anything extra.  We have 2 cars my mother has given me, mine does not work well and needs to go into the shop(no money) and they are both early 90's.

We have medical bill from here to there.  We are on food stamps and that ends soon because we are on the limit line allowed.

We go to Salvation army and goodwill to buy clothes.  We shop for groceries at the discount store(and i do not mean wal-mart).

Yes, alot of us have bad lives and we make do with what we can.  My husband gets his daughter 10weeks a year and this is the first year that he has really had a chance to see her.  He hates missing that much time, but what choice does he have.

I understand that you don't have alot of help.  Alot of others don't either.  You should thank your lucky stars that he wants anything to do with his kids when there are so many men out there that could care less.  He is asking to switch from week days to weekends in order to give his kids what they need most--quality time with him.

I am sorry you don't want that.  I would give my husband's ex anything she wanted if she would work with us.  Our ex gives my SD to her paternal grandparents right after school lets out and refuses to allow dad any extra time.  He begs and gets nothing.

If you don't get clothes back at the end of visits, don't send clothes and send a list of what is sent.  Ex thought that by sending us a list it would tick off husband, but we thanked her instead.  We have an entire wardrobe here for SD.  She doesn't like most of the clothes, but it is what I could afford.  One peice at a time at the thrift stores or auctions.

It shouldn't be about you, and alot of your post is that.  I am sorry that you are unhappy.  You decided to have kids. You made the choice to be a mom.  You should be thrilled in it, even with all its hardships.  But your a mom, your kids come first and that includes making sure THEY get quality time with dad, even if that means doing your own thing outside the court order.  Something the 2 ADULTS can agree to for the CHILDREN.

Do something to make them happy.

[awakenlynn]

I know you are very angry about the situation you are in but many of us are in the same situation.

My husband has a daughter who is 13.  She LOVES having name brand clothes.  Together we have 3 kids, 8, 4 and 3.  He makes 3x's LESS than what her husband makes.(she doesn't have any income, but uses his in financial affidavits).  She give the 13 year old everything she wants.

We are behind in our mortgage payments too.  Later this year is turns adjustable and our credit is so bad, we can not refinance.  We have no A/C even though the heat literally makes me and my daughter physically ill.  We do not have cable or anything extra.  We have 2 cars my mother has given me, mine does not work well and needs to go into the shop(no money) and they are both early 90's.

We have medical bill from here to there.  We are on food stamps and that ends soon because we are on the limit line allowed.

We go to Salvation army and goodwill to buy clothes.  We shop for groceries at the discount store(and i do not mean wal-mart).

Yes, alot of us have bad lives and we make do with what we can.  My husband gets his daughter 10weeks a year and this is the first year that he has really had a chance to see her.  He hates missing that much time, but what choice does he have.

I understand that you don't have alot of help.  Alot of others don't either.  You should thank your lucky stars that he wants anything to do with his kids when there are so many men out there that could care less.  He is asking to switch from week days to weekends in order to give his kids what they need most--quality time with him.

I am sorry you don't want that.  I would give my husband's ex anything she wanted if she would work with us.  Our ex gives my SD to her paternal grandparents right after school lets out and refuses to allow dad any extra time.  He begs and gets nothing.

If you don't get clothes back at the end of visits, don't send clothes and send a list of what is sent.  Ex thought that by sending us a list it would tick off husband, but we thanked her instead.  We have an entire wardrobe here for SD.  She doesn't like most of the clothes, but it is what I could afford.  One peice at a time at the thrift stores or auctions.

It shouldn't be about you, and alot of your post is that.  I am sorry that you are unhappy.  You decided to have kids. You made the choice to be a mom.  You should be thrilled in it, even with all its hardships.  But your a mom, your kids come first and that includes making sure THEY get quality time with dad, even if that means doing your own thing outside the court order.  Something the 2 ADULTS can agree to for the CHILDREN.

Do something to make them happy.