Is this a FAIR international visitation schedule?

[StuckInDenmark]

I posted a while ago about my situation in the custody board.  
Unfortunately, my situation has turned out to be as suspected.

Basically I am a dad (US citizen) who recently moved to Denmark with my wife (Danish citizen) and 2 kids ( age 3 and 5 lived in US all their life until 3 months ago).   Wife now conveniently wants a divorce (although she said the move to Denmark would improve our relationship and her  behavior!!).

She will not move back to the US so that all of us can live in the same city (she still is a permanent resident there).  Believe it or not, I apparently can't take the kids back with me to the states now and file divorce.  So I stand to lose my kids.  I might have a small chance  to win custody in a huge expensive battle but she has given me the following offer to settle out of court thereby keeping expenses and hassle down:

I get the kids 8 weeks in the summer in the US and 5 weeks in the winter.  We split the airfare.   Neither of us have HUGE assets so we are calling that even.  She pays for support of the kids during the 9 months she has them in DK, I pay for support for the 13 weeks in the US (including summer camps).  Obviously I would get this agreement legally binding this time.

I am totally bummed about losing connection with my kids 9 months out of the year (we are VERY attached)  On the other hand,  I feel I could get stuck alot worse if I don't win in court.  What do you all think? Is this settlement FAIR?  If it did go to court (probably in Denmark now) how would the courts decide visitation etc?  Would it be worse, better etc?  Anyone with experience in long distance visitation settlements?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[Kitty C.]

............who said you could not bring the kids back to the US and what did they have to back it up with?

[StuckInDenmark]

Hi KittyC

thanks for your response.  I recall you responding to my earlier post in the custody section too.   Unfortunately, it seems the laws in my situation now are more complex than your situation was in 93.  I don't think the Hague convention laws were as fleshed out then as they are now.

An international divorce lawyer spoke to my father over the phone (it was kind of hard for me to do that discreetly here) for an hour.  That's how I got my info.  He said it would not go over well for me to take the kids on a plane and just get out.  Furthermore, she could even file a temporary custody hearing the minute I take the kids--thus, altering the implied consent of joint custody.  I could file for divorce in the US but it would be hard at this point to get the Danes to accept the outcome and hand over the kids if I was awarded custody.

So, anyway, given that I am already screwed and would probably have to fight my battle at considerable cost in a danish court, I just want to know how other long distance settlements (either international or even in the same country) compare as far as visitation etc.  It's possible that she may be offering me a BETTER visitation deal than any courts would if she gets to keep the kids where she is.

[CGS]

Can you work w/ your wife to plan one last family vacation to see your US family for the holidays -- for the kids sake of course.  Then have an attorney prepare the papers and serve her the minute you step off the plane.

[Kitty C.]

One argument (which is extremely legitimate) is telling her that this might be the last time in a LONG time the children's g-parents would get to see them.  Make sure you have ROUND TRIP tickets.

I'd still see if your dad can contact another atty., just for the sake of argument.  Considering you're still legally married (neither of you have filed, right?), you BOTH still have full legal and physical custody, with full rights accorded.  I may be all washed up, but you bringing the kids back here is no different than her wanting to take them to Denmark, except that you went along.  Something just doesn't seem right about that to me, but then again, I'm no atty. either............

[Jade]

>I posted a while ago about my situation in the custody board.
>
>Unfortunately, my situation has turned out to be as
>suspected.
>
>Basically I am a dad (US citizen) who recently moved to
>Denmark with my wife (Danish citizen) and 2 kids ( age 3 and 5
>lived in US all their life until 3 months ago).   Wife now
>conveniently wants a divorce (although she said the move to
>Denmark would improve our relationship and her  behavior!!).
>
>She will not move back to the US so that all of us can live in
>the same city (she still is a permanent resident there).
>Believe it or not, I apparently can't take the kids back with
>me to the states now and file divorce.  So I stand to lose my
>kids.  I might have a small chance  to win custody in a huge
>expensive battle but she has given me the following offer to
>settle out of court thereby keeping expenses and hassle down:
>
>I get the kids 8 weeks in the summer in the US and 5 weeks in
>the winter.  We split the airfare.   Neither of us have HUGE
>assets so we are calling that even.  She pays for support of
>the kids during the 9 months she has them in DK, I pay for
>support for the 13 weeks in the US (including summer camps).
>Obviously I would get this agreement legally binding this
>time.
>
>I am totally bummed about losing connection with my kids 9
>months out of the year (we are VERY attached)  On the other
>hand,  I feel I could get stuck alot worse if I don't win in
>court.  What do you all think? Is this settlement FAIR?  If it
>did go to court (probably in Denmark now) how would the courts
>decide visitation etc?  Would it be worse, better etc?  Anyone
>with experience in long distance visitation settlements?
>
>Thanks in advance for your responses.
>
>
>
>

To be blunt, that schedule sucks for a 3 year old and a 5 year old.  I have an almost 5 year old who has a hard time being away from me on the week-ends that her Dad has her.  I can't imagine her being away from me for as long as she is suggesting.  And I can't imagine my kids being happy with being away from their father for that long, either.  While I don't agree with shared physical custody in small children, I certainly think that the contact should be more frequent than the above.  Especially in small children.  

Personally, if I were in your position, I would fight the move to Denmark and try to get them back in the States.  

Considering the underhanded way she got all of you to leave the States, I seriously doubt that she will honor the above visitation and you will have a very hard time enforcing it.  

If it turns out that you are stuck with them in Denmark, relocate to Denmark.  And see them more often.  

And if you do give in to her and move back to the States, at least get it in the agreement that she has to pay for the transportation costs as she is the one who moved away.  Part of the cost will include hiring somebody to travel with your children as they are way to little to go by themselves.  

[gabes_mom]

This is a tough one.  I know first hand that when someone promises you this kind of visitation it doesn't always mean they will comply.  It's even harder for you to enforce this because you'd be in the states and she'd be in Denmark.  I would suggest finding a lawyer who will be willing to fight for you and win this battle for you.  If you've only spoke to one lawyer chances are you can find another who will be more willing to work harder for you.  

[williaer]

I would think that unless she has considerable assets- if you take the kids and buy one way tickets to the States- it would be hard for her to "get them back"- short of coming to the States and filing for custody and the right to move them out of the country (unlikely to win that one). I say- pack their bags- get on the first non-stop flight you can and when you get off the plane go straight to your attorney and file for divorce and full custody. It was very unfair of her to do what she did. If she really wants time with the kids- she will move back to the States. I suppose the same goes for you though- if you really want the kids and feel you will lose- stay in Denmark (?)