Will she ever quit??????

[stepmom]

Here's the story.  My husband's ex wife is a monster!!! She tries to make our lives miserable in order to make herself look good.  She tells the children horrible things about us all the time in order to turn them against us.  After a long time of anger and hurt the children are finally starting to see through the lies she tells about us and realize that we (me especially-the stepmom) are good people who love them very much.
She always twists and turns around words in the divorce papers so that visitation is convenient for her.  In the divorce papers it says that we get the children every 2nd and 4th weekends of the month.  It also says that on even numbered years that we get the children from Dec. 26-Jan 1st for Christmas visitation.  Well it happens to be that the 4th weekend is Dec. 22,23, and 24th this month.  This should be our weekend.  We would take them home at 5:30 on the 24th and then pick them up again on the 26th at 5:30 and they would stay with us until Jan. 1st.  We have already told the children that they will stay with us again before Christmas and even told them that they can open one gift and save the rest until they come stay with us for a week to do our Christmas.
Well the monster decides that that's not good for her and calls and leaves us an ugly message saying that she is to have visitation that week and that we will NOT be getting the children that weekend.  She then says that the papers say that she has visitation that week since Christmas falls on a weekend.  The divorce papers say NOTHING about her visitation only my husband's!!  And Christmas is on MONDAY.  It does not fall on the weekend.
We have tried to talk to our lawyer about this and all that he really has to say is "that's just too bad for you" or "that's the life of a divorced father and you will just have to get used to it".  I can't believe this!!!  I didn't realize how unfair divorces really are to some outstanding fathers like my husband.  How can she change what is written in the divorce papers?  How is that right?  If there is ever a conflict on visitation she ALWAYS gets her way even when she's in the wrong.

Any suggestions on what we should do??

[Ref]

Yeah. I have to agree with your lawyer. It isn't that it is right to have happen or fair, but what are ya gunna do about it? CP's have you by the ba!!s.

My advice is for DH to say that he understands that she would like them for all of Xmas eve and offer to bring them home first thing in the morning or the evening before. You will lose time, but it really wont be too much.

What does your agreement say about the years he is supposed to have the kid for xmas? is it the weekend or just the day?

Ref

[mistoffolees]

Two comments of advice:

First, if the agreement is clear that you have the kids the 22nd through 24th and also the 26th through 1st, I'd show up at her door with a copy of the agreement and if she doesn't let you have the kids, I'd call the police and file a report. That is why you have a written agreement - so that personal opinions don't enter into matters.

I'm having a hard time figuring out why your attorney doesn't accept that - unless there's more to the story than I'm seeing.

Second, you're not doing yourself (or your husband) any good by referring to her as a monster, etc. Your best bet is to learn to deal with her on a purely rational, emotion-free basis. Think Mr. Spock. In cases where she's within her rights to do something, let it go quietly. If she's not right, then quietly enforce your rights. There's no need to raise your own blood pressure 100 points.

And, yes, I speak from experience. I went through exactly the same thing wtih my stbx's first husband. You won't win by getting upset.

[stepmom]

The papers say that on the even numbered years he is to have the children from Dec. 26th-Jan.1st and on odd numbered years he is to have them from Dec. 20-25.  She doesn't want us to interfere with the plans she has already made.  But she made these plans before checking the paperwork.  When she doesn't agree with what my husband says or does she throws a temper tantrum about it and gets the kids involved which makes them upset.  My husband backs down when this happens because he doesn't want the children upset or angry and then she gets whatever she wants.  My question is when is enough enough??? I don't want to see the children upset but I don't think it's right for her to keep on running over him either.

[stepmom]

I only refer to her as a "monster" because that's the nicest word I could think of.  I know I shouldn't do that but I am so frustrated with the whole situation.  This is nothing compared to what she has done in the past.  We try to enforce our rights quietly but we are usually told "that's too bad" or something similar.

When there is a disagreement between her and my husband she brings the children in to it and makes them upset.  Then my husband will let it go just to spare the children heartache and anger.  But when is enough enough????? She shouldn't just be able to run over him every time she doesn't agree with him.  

[mistoffolees]

That's why I suggested the first part of my advice. If you have a written agreement which is clear in issues, then you should be able to enforce it. I would try what I suggested - telling her you're picking the kids up and bringing an independent adult to witness things. You might also call the police if she won't surrender the kids pursuant to a valid court order (although in some areas the police won't get involved).

If she's doing it regularly AND YOU CAN PROVE IT (by doing what I suggest above), you are free to file with the court for enforcement of the agreement.  If your lawyer won't do it, find out why and consider getting an attorney with backbone. In general, the courts get very upset when people don't obey their orders. In fact, you might find yourself in the position of getting extra days to make up for the ones she's denied in the past.

But please consider getting counseling or working wth someone on controlling your anger. The ideal situation is where you're calm and collected and she's ranting. If you're both ranting, it's going to be a mess. One way to do this is to focus on your husband's rights rather than on the ex. For example, in this particular case, I'd say "My husband is entitled to the court-ordered time with his children and that's important to us that we want to follow the letter of the agreement" rather than "she won't let us have the kids". Use "I" (or "my husband") in your statements and there's very little need to talk about what the other person does. "I didn't get the visitation I'm entitled to" is just as clear as "she won't let me see the kids" and is far, far, far less inflammatory.

I know, it's hard, but it's worth it in the end.

Good luck.

[Ref]

I personally think it is just fine to express your feelings about her. Sure you have to ultimately have to put everything in logical context to get things done well. Sure you have to put up a very neutral front infront of the kids. Here....well VENT AWAY!

I am calm cool and collected around SD and BM. So much it completely unnerves BM. I guess it is a little passive agressive.... Anyway I love this board because you can express your feelings and almost all of us completely understand.

Moster, pain-in-the-a$$, PBFH, See you next Tuesday.... they are all good in my book..

Best wishes,
Ref

[Jade]

>The papers say that on the even numbered years he is to have
>the children from Dec. 26th-Jan.1st and on odd numbered years
>he is to have them from Dec. 20-25.  She doesn't want us to
>interfere with the plans she has already made.  But she made
>these plans before checking the paperwork.  When she doesn't
>agree with what my husband says or does she throws a temper
>tantrum about it and gets the kids involved which makes them
>upset.  My husband backs down when this happens because he
>doesn't want the children upset or angry and then she gets
>whatever she wants.  My question is when is enough enough??? I
>don't want to see the children upset but I don't think it's
>right for her to keep on running over him either.

From what you wrote above, on the years that she gets them for Christmas, she would have them for the whole week-end before.  Just like you get them for the whole week-end of Christmas on the years you have them.  BTW, using your logic, she should have them for the week-end before New Years, since New Years is on a Monday and that is her normal week-end.  

I think that you are not reading the court order correctly.  

[Kitty C.]

Does your CO state that holiday visitation take precedence over regular visitation?  If so, then unfortunately the BM is right.  If, on odd years, you have them 12/26-1/1 and even is 12/20-12/25, then her holiday visitation is just the opposite.  And if holiday visitation takes precedence, she DOES legally have them this year from 12/20-12/25, regardless of what days of the week they fall on.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we've dealt with this many times in the past and have had the same situations come up........

[gabes_mom]

Sounds like the BM gets the kids btwn Dec 20th and 25th this year.  Holiday schedules usually take priority over weekend visitations.  Does it not say that somewhere in the court order?  

As for when enough is enough..... Honestly that isn't up to the BM, the kids, or you.  It's up to your husband.  When he feels like he's tired of getting walked on, crapped on, and beat down he will then stand up and let her and everyone around him know that he's had enough.  No I don't know your husband but I do know you can't make a man do something, like enforce the court ordered visitation if he isn't willing to fight tooth and nail.  It took my husband 3  yrs of getting screwed by the BM over this kind of crap to stand up and say this isn't okay and I'm going to make her follow the court order.  It also helps for you to do what you are doing, back him up and support his decision no matter whether it's one you'd personally make or not.