Teen not visiting

[Noname]

Hi,

My teen-aged SD has not visited for a couple of months since getting yelled at by her father and I and DH is feeling badly and missing her very much.  I'm looking for some advice.  She was yelled at for valid reasons.  She has a long history of lying and I finally had it when I was doing a favor for her late at night and she lied to me for no reason. So, I told her I was sick and tired of it. The same night, BM kept calling to yell at DH and SD kept answering the phone and trying to  get DH to talk to BM even though he told her not to answer the phone.  DH also reached his breaking point and told her he knew she was spying on him and reporting back to BM and if he's such a bad father she doesn't have to come visit.  We both later apologized for yelling but didn't back down on the lying and spying issues.  

BM has been PAS'g Skids for years and SD seems to think she walks on water.  Despite all this chaos (and it's usually much calmer here), DH really misses his daughter.  Since that weekend, she hasn't spoken to him or come out to see him when he comes to pick up other SKs.  At this point he's not sure if she's still mad (I think she is) or if she's just busy with her own life.  If it's the latter, he wouldn't mind.  Any ideas on what he should do?  Thanks.

[MixedBag]

I'm usually on the side of making her come.

How else are you two gonna get a chance of resolving this.

Letting her dig in her heels about the subject isn't helping.

[Noname]

Thanks for your response.  I guess I wasn't clear in my message - sorry.  We don't know whether he should approach her and if so, how best to do this.  Keeping in mind that BM is probably fanning the flames against us on the home front and smiling as she does it.  And we don't want to back off of the issues by saying it's okay to lie to us and backstab DH to BM.  It's just nuts.  If you tell your own kids they've done something wrong then you run the risk of not seeing them.  This never would happen in a family where the parents are together.

[FLMom]

My advice would be that if you have a valid court order for visitation, enforce it. There's not going to be any other way to reconcile if you can't get your foot in the door.

I'd send BM a certified letter that states that you expect DD to be ready for pick-up along with her siblings, and that you are going to seek further measures in the court system if she doesn't make sure she's at the door and ready to go next time you arrive for pick-up. Period.

Another way to look at this---BM could turn this into something further if she tries to say that you aren't exercising your court-ordered visitation. If you don't put your foot down now, it could look bad for you later on. She could go back for more child support, saying that you have "abandoned" DD and now she is forced to raise her 100% of the time.

Your daughter may be pouty for a while after she comes, but she'll get over it and learn what is expected while in your care. If teens could disappear every time they don't get their way, we'd lose a whole generation. She got called on her actions, and not making her come and face the aftermath is not teaching her anything.

Just my opinion. . . . .

FLMom

[dipper]

Have you and dh tried to visit by taking her out to eat, for a walk, out to a movie/mall or something like that?  Sounds like she is very spoiled, but it may help in showing her that while you mean business, you still love her as well.  Remember, this time apart is giving her mother more time to twist her since she has already been doing it in the past.

Now, my ss has not been on real visitations in a while either.  His mom lied to his probation officer about him and us....She could have gotten him in real trouble and there was no truth to her claims.  She also constantly lies to him....like calling to say she has a spy on him, and its not his brother.  Then he calls his brother and finds it was something his brother told her....

While I think his mother is a bad example, dh and I dont block visitation.  His bm doesnt ask for her time...she calls him about every other week, talks a few minutes, asks if he is coming, and then thats it.  She can drive halfway to our house to spend weekends with her bf, but not drive on to see her son.

I think it would help tremendously if she would ask him to go out to a movie, or to eat, or just anywhere and rebuild her relationship with him.  He simply does not trust her.  She isnt doing anything to mend this broken relationship either.

While you and dh are right, I would still try to mend the relationship through small steps.  If this child has been PAS, she is not totally responsible for her behavior.  While she may reject you, at least you will know in your heart you tried.

[Noname]

Thanks for the advice, we really appreciate it.  I passed along your replies to DH and he's giving it some thought....  I'm sure this situation will sort itself out somehow.