How much visitation does really get?

[carped_32]

Ok so my daughter's father is now pushing for more time... let me give some background.  My ex and I were split long before the night our daughter was concieved.  Turns out he was engaged at the time.  He never wanted anything to do with the baby, in fact until I was about 22 weeks along in my pregnancy he basically begged me to have it "taken care of".  When I refused he suddenly changed his story and said he didn't know if was the father but either way he didn't want the baby at all, didn't want to know anything about it - ever.  Then a few days before she was born he called and said he had talked to his parents and suddenly decided to "take responsibilty" (knowing him I know that was not his idea but his mothers... she has always controled his life and now so does his wife - yeah, she stayed with him).  He odered a DNA test... he never saw out daughter (by his choice) until she was almost 4 months old (once he got the test results back).  He started visiting her at my house until she was around 6 months old (that's when I stopped breastfeeding) then he would take her for a couple hours on Sundays.  Eventually we worked up to him having her for a full day (from the time she got up in the morning until 30 minutes before her bedtime) on the weekends.  Then he got laid off (in mid July) and for the past month or so he's been taking her for a day during the week instead of her going to daycare as well as a day on the weekend.  Now he's taking her two days during the week and he still thinks he should have his weekend visit as well.  I work during the week so I told him that the weekends are my only real time with her, during the week it's mostly "maintance" time I get with her (feeding dinner, getting ready for bed etc. since I get home from work around 5:15 and she goes to bed at 7:30).  He doesn't see it that way.  He says that he was told (I don't know by who) that his days during the week are instead of paying half the daycare cost (that the court says he has to pay) and that it's not the same as visitation.  He's very dificult to reason with... in fact he's near impossible, he just doesn't see it any other way but his way (and by his way I mean the way his mother and wife tell him it should be... no I'm not kidding, they're that controling.  I have been on the phone with him on more than one occasion and heard his wife in the background telling him what to say and he just repeats it word for word).  He's also mentioned having her for an overnight visit... we tried that once when she was 9 months old (against my better judgement)... her reaction to that was less than positive.  Once she came home from that visit she was beyond clingy, I literally could not put her down for a moment the entire weekend (she only spent a Friday night from 30 min. before bed until about 2 hours after she got up in the morning).  Since then I keep trying to tell him that the time he's spending with her while she's awake is more important than her just sleeping there.  Plus, and I've tried explaining this to him as well, I watch the way she reacts to him and so far I'm not seeing the sort of reaction you would expect from a child who has known their father for almost a year.  Up until a couple weeks ago she would always cry and fuss and scream when he would take her, and not just from me (which he tried to make as the reason... no baby likes leaving their mother).  She had such a negative reation towards him that two of her daycare teachers have made several comments to me because they were so amazed at her reaction... she would either stare at him with a blank look, no reaction no emotion, or she would scream... but she would never willing and voluntarily go to him.  Now if I drop her off at his house, as soon as she sees his house she starts fussing and shaking her head no then crys and pushes me away when I try to get her out of her carseat.  She will let him take her without fussing as much now but when he picks her up at my house and I make her walk to the door she will not go to him, she will turn around and walk away from him then throw a bit of a fit when I try to get her coat on.  What do I do?  He refuses to see her reactions as negative or that maybe this is NOT a positive experience for her... it's been almost a year... shouldn't she have a better reaction to him?  How do I get him to see that his two days with her during the week should be instead of his weekend visit?  I told him once he finally finds a new job then we'll change the schedule again but until then I think it seems more than fair that he spends his visitation time with her during the week while I'm working and I get weekends when I don't work.  When I told him that he doesn't get weekends for now all he kept saying is "so you're denying me access to my daughter"... I'm not denying him, his days just changed but he refuses to see it that way.  I did give in that day and said he could also have her half a day that Saturday... I had to tell him something becasue I had to get to work and he was starting to get hostile and I did NOT want to fight infront of my daughter.  
Does anyone know what I can legally say no to when it comes to his visitation?  Nothing is set up with the court except that I am her primary care giver and he has visitation (which the say is "reasonable" but as far as I know I'm the one who says what's reasonable).  One more added concern I have... not only is he currently unemployed but he also has 3 DUI's (and from what I had heard after the last one he was ordered to go to AA meetings... I know he still drinks, I and friends have seen him).

[spinner]

well this is a long email or long post. I have to say the first thing is you should try to take a problem at a time rather than all at the same time.
a step at a time if I can suggest.

It is kinda funny because I am the father in my case and the mother seems to be like your ex.

The first thing I have come to realize over the last 7 years is that my ex will not change and there is nothing I can do to make her realise whatever. Maybe her brain is broken, maybe your ex's brain is broken as well . at least that's what I tell myself to convince me that she cannot change or realize anything.

what you can do legally, not much. you can say no thinking that you have the right to define reasonable, then he can go to court then you 2 can fight. This is the path that my ex chosed. At first we had reasonable on the court order and now I have shared custody so court will be in your advantage for a few years then this will change, ... I prefer to stay out of court personally.

From my experience, reasonable visitation is defined by parents that are reasonable together. if they need to go to court to sort it out then it is not reasonable.

The drinking part is not so great but if the new wife and mother are around I would not be too worried.

Usually there are 2 reasons to spend time and ask for more time with a child. 1 you love them and 2 the potential for child support calculation. It doesn't seems to be that his motive is money and you neither (I might be wrong). So maybe the way to solve the problem is to do 1 week-end out of 2 ?

Overnights with her dad is going to have to be a reality. She prefers to be with you probably because she get more first hand love with you. Our son comes to my home asking for a cuddle because his mother is not the cuddely type and I am. Latter in life the kids will see for themselves but for now your job is to give your daughter as much chances in life as she can get. think about overnight with her dad as a first step she has to go through.

how old is your daughter?

our son with my ex was born in our divorce as well and I had to fight in court to get overnights. by the time this got sorted out our son was 2 and was falling in autism, refusing to speak, .... then we started overnights and he had nightmares at first, pipi in bed, calling me in the night. was hard but 3-4 weeks after even though it was every other week-end he was a transformed little boy. his mother loves him don't take me wrong but she is not mother material and I am probably more mother material than her, cuddle, sing song at night, ....

The bottom line is that I think it's a time that needs to come or pass. If she speaks ask her what she did today with dad, ... maybe he is just not the cuddely dad type !

feel free to ask for more questions if I have nto answered all