Step parent rights?

[cdcoffell]

my husband is the ncp of his 2 children, and they have been divorced for 4 years now. i have become the in between for him and his ex (i can sweet talk her whereas my husband looses his cool at somet of the things she tries to pull). more or less, i can stay calm and rational (i think its a woman thing) but anyhow, i do make all his calls for him (to the courts, to the dor, to the parenting coordinator) and now his ex is trying to say i need to stay out of it. i have never tried to over step my foot and i only do everything for my husband because he is not good with words, but i am getting sick of his ex accusing me of trying to take her place as a mother. i have a child of my own, and make sure my step children know that they only have one mommy and one daddy. my husband has signed a full power of attorney for me, and i was just wondering if this is a legal document so when they go to court, my husband can tell the judge or parenting coordinator that he has given me full rights to act on his behalf?

[Kitty C.]

A POA is a good idea, but really won't allow you to talk for him in court.  As for the ex, consider it hot wind.  They always have to have something to bitch about, you know!

[nosonew]

One good rule of thumb to follow: Step-parent should do these things ONLY IF  NEITHER parent is available to do these things.  We actually have it in our court papers, I can take ss to doctor, sign for things, etc, if NEITHER bio-parent is available.  

Although YOU know you are not trying to take her place, and have probably told her a thousand times, INSECURE people feel their place is "being over-taken" and there is NOTHING you can do about those feelings.  I dealt/deal with someone like this and have for over 10 years, no matter how much I tried to stay in the background or just do what I would normally do for any child, it was always wrong in her eyes. I either did too much or not enough.

Also, UNLESS there is a court order, it is our experience that stepparents have zero rights even with a POA.  (Unless the other parent is dead or missing).  When you get to the mediator/case manager part, even GAL, they want to talk to the bio parents, not you.  BTDT. Perhaps your state is different, hope so.  

Also, be sure you are documenting EVERY conversation.  Keep a "diary" of sorts, with dates, times, discussion.  This may come in handy down the road.

Good luck.

[BelleMere]

I don't think that there is any real problem with you acting on his behalf when it comes to scheduling and the like, but unless the POA is specific to custody issues, then it won't work when it comes to the kids themselves. You can't use a general POA to cover decisions regarding the kids. Now, decisions about what classes they should be taking or medical decisions shouldn't be made by you . . . but who you contact at the court about the legal business and so on is really between you and him. I had a similar problem with the BM in our situation when she was CP. She used to refer to me as DH's "little secretary" (that started when I dropped of a copay for therapy to the therapist's office while DH was out of town - you'd think she would have appreciated them not bugging her about payments, but no) . . . . but it's just emotional blackmail. Ignore it. I would, however, insist that your husband start communicating directly with her rather then leaving it up to you.

[glross]

Step-parent should do these things ONLY IF NEITHER parent is available to do these things.

I agree with this based on my own experience.  I'm the BM and my ex is married to a woman that wishes I didn't exist.  I'm also NCP so that helps her think that I'm "gone".  She does things for the kids that my ex should do but can't be bothered to do.  That's the way he's always been.  Unfortunately she's tried to do my job for me also.  She makes plans for them that infringe on my time without checking with me first.  She's actually told the school that she's their mom.  She's got no idea where her boundaries are and that's in due to my ex not giving her any.
I wouldn't want her job in a million years(5 kids) but I would gladly relieve her of 2 of those wonderful burdens! :)  I am VERY involved with my kids and see them at least once a week.  If my ex would let me see them more I would but every minute with them I have to fight for.

[Nowastepmom]

The power of attorney is great and all, but from reading this board and others, it seems that judges do not like it when the parents cannot communicate amongst themselves, and will usually tell the step to allow the parents to do the work.  I understand that you are just trying to help your dh but this woman has no obligation to you, or to work with you.  Also, if you were to go back to court, or to a psycholigist, they would question why he can not do this for himself (ie if he can't communicate with mom on an adult level, how can he parent as an adult).  I know that it sucks, but you may just have to let him work this out for himself.  

[mandi]

I am a step mother also, and I am dealing with a very hateful mother.  She just informed my husband today that I was no longer allowed to speak to his daughter because I tell her that I love and miss her more then one time during our time on the phone.  I have been dealing with inmaturity for 31/2 years now and I am really starting to feel alot of dislikement toward this mother.  I don't know what to do about this.  I have tired so hard to be so nice to her and to let her know that I don't want to fight with her for the sake of her daughter and the relationship that I have built with her daughter and you know, at first it is 'oh thank you, I am so glad that you feel that way about my daughter' then the next thing it's like she has split personalities.  I don't know, I love and treat my step daughter as if she were my own.  Maybe it is becasue my husband and I do not have childern yet and that is why I love this child so much, I don't know.  I am in alot of pain.  This also causes conflict between my husband and I cause i sometimes feel that he does not do what he should about this and all the other situations we are having with the mother.  I don't know.  If anyone  in here has any advice for me, please respond.  Your input would be great.
*~Mandi~*

[Mellybug]

Hi, Mandi-

I am a soon-to-be step mom of two wonderful children. For the first year of my relationship with their father, he NEVER stood up to their bio-mom because she was holding a $20,000+ business loan over his head. He figured that if he stood up for me, she'd take his kids away and he would never see them again. On top of that he was afraid she wouldn't continue to pay the loan, which has his house as security (stupid). He also feared that he'd have to pay child support because there would be NO WAY a court would give a single bio-dad custody.

Well, she used it as much as she could, even to the point of getting thousands of dollars out of him to support her (she wasn't working). To make a long story short, he played nice, and she STILL filed for custody, stopped paying HER business loan, and filed for Emergency Social Services which he has to pay back! He got 50/50 custody, which was the WORST of his fears.

He now realizes that all he managed to do was cause me to resent him for not sticking up for me, and he does it all the time now. He says it's rather FUN upsetting her by being on my side. He actually gets malicious pleasure out of annoying the crap out of her. He does this by NOT doing things he normally used to do when he was afraid. Of course, it's his "psycho girlfriend's" fault - which I think is funny, too.

But, sadly, I did have to leave him for him to realize what he was going to lose by having his head so firmly planted up her backside. Hopefully yours will not take so long...

Mellybug

[mandi]

My husband does stick up for me to her.  He really got on her butt about his situation.  My husband has this fear of rejection when it comes to calling and asking her about his daughter or even just to talk to his daughter because of the shit this person and her family has put all of us through.  It is sad that a father has to feel this way and the same in your stiuation.  We have now decieded to try for full custody because we believe that there is emotinal and mental abuse going on in the house.  The BM has a boyfriend that she has lived for all this time and they have a 3 year old don toghether, my SD is only about to be 4.  We have been together since she was 6 moths old.  I only want what i feel is best for my SD and being in that house is not in her best interest.  We just hired our third lawyer, we are not rich by no means.  My husband is only an E-3 in the military, so we do not have the money do be doing this, but in my eyes whatever it takes just we know that his daughter is safe, i will do whatever i have to.  Thank for your input and listening to mine.

*~Mandi~*