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Just a little pick-me-up and some hope...

Started by dsm, Apr 05, 2004, 06:48:36 AM

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dsm

Yesterday my SD (14) got confirmed.  It's a big day and big event in our family and religion.  It's been awhile since I've been out here on SPARC, so I'll recap just a bit.

Flashback:  2 years ago my DH and I got custody of my SD after 10 years worth of fighting (albeit not continuous).  The transition to having her here full time has been a roller coaster of emotions, hell, with some good thrown in there I think just to keep it all going....  Anyway, my situation is not so different from most out here - my SD's mom HATES me and that's putting it lightly.  She attempts to cause and has caused some major problems in my life, home, marriage, and relationship with my SD.  I cannot say that I am innocent, however, because I have at times been difficult as well.  

My SD has struggled with loyalty conflict for most of her life (I've been in it since she was 2 and still in diapers) and how she relates with me.  Her mom makes it very clear that I am not a welcome sight, and that it is to be understood that I am NOT SD's mom.

Anyway, this weekend, we had a party for SD after the confirmation service and had a nice crowd of family and friends show up to celebrate.  To get things started, DH opened with a little speech of how he is very proud of SD and that she is becoming a young lady, etc etc.  Then he opened the floor for SD (she was told that she should thank everyone for coming and then that she would lead the meal prayer).  She completely blew me away with what she said in her talk - she thanked every table for coming and then she said that she had some special thanks to do and called me out and gave this big thank you - and then she started crying.  I went up to her and gave her a big hug and she wouldn't let go.  All this while her mom is sitting there with her parents and friends on one side of the room just glaring at us (from what my mom and DH said).  I never expected her to do this - DH didn't know what she was going to say - he says that she told him that she had something special to say, and DH thought she was going to thank her teachers and pastors that came out.  Never in a million years did I expect her to say me.

SD was very much a young lady yesterday - she really acted mature and was a polite hostess.  It was very heart-warming to watch her.  And it was a nice feeling to see that even though she and I have had some really awful arguments, that she really does take to heart things I say and watches how I am and she's chosen that to be her role model.  Wow.

I know it had to hurt her mom that SD didn't say something towards her; it would hurt me if my LO didn't acknowledge me at something so important.  But I really can't feel sorry for her very long - she has not been a 'mother' to SD.

Anyway, I guess this is just a post for encouragement for those who are feeling like they are making no headway with their skids.  Someone told me a few years ago to just be me and hold my standards where I feel they should be and remain the constant for SD.  So hang in there.  Sometimes it shows that you do make a difference!  :)
dsm - 44
DH - 48
SD - 26
LO - 19
BB - 12
1 demon who provides cheap entertainment of the fluffy and furry kind.

My mantra - it's time for me to do for me and mine so we can live in the present and not fret about the past nor worry about the future.  What is, is

lucky

That is AWESOME dsm!  I am SOO glad to hear that your SD is doing so well.  And I'm impressed with you that you acknowledge your part in the saga (I know I have mine too, I'm just not very quick to acknowledge it).

Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ~  Will Rogers

dsm

Thanks!  Yeah, it was a nice day.  As for me and my part in the 'saga' (nice word LOL) - I have had moments that I have stooped to a less-than-ladylike level, and I'm not proud of it.  But it has all been a learning experience and that is what I try to look at instead of it being a disappointment.  And everyone has a breaking point and there's only so much crap you can take before you start to fire back.  I'm looking forward to the day that SD deals with her mom on her own terms, and her dad and I can just sit back and deal with SD on our own terms.

How goes everything with you?
dsm - 44
DH - 48
SD - 26
LO - 19
BB - 12
1 demon who provides cheap entertainment of the fluffy and furry kind.

My mantra - it's time for me to do for me and mine so we can live in the present and not fret about the past nor worry about the future.  What is, is

lucky

UP and down!

Osd moved into her own apt with her boyfriend yesterday she is doing very well, but neither her nor her boyfriend have a clue about budgeting.  Last weekend, they went snowmobile racing and stayed in a really fancy hotel (from osd's description) -- $$$$ -- but when they came home, they had to borrow the rest of the damage deposit from the boyfriend's family.  But, she's got her hs diploma already and is working pt, with the option to go ft now that she's done with school.

Two weeks ago, I forced dh and oss into having oss stay with pbfh till counseling last Thu. because oss tried to push me down the stairs.  Not fair maybe, but it wasn't the first time he's been physically agressive with me.  On Mon of last week, oss told dh he WAS going to go to counseling and work out the issues to come home because he hates it at mom's.  On Wed (the day osd found out about the apt) he called and told dh he's moving in with pbfh permanently.  I think he lied on Monday and was buying time to see if osd was actually moving out this week.  Why?  No rules, etc.  As an example, here's Dh's phone conversation w/pbfh last Friday:  
Dh:  Is oss there?
Pbfh:  No
Dh:  When will he be back?
Pbfh:  I don't know
Dh:  Where is he?
Pbfh:  I don't know, at a friends or riding his bike somewhere

THAT is why oss wants to live there.  He does what he wants, when he wants, where he wants and with whom he wants and pbfh doesn't question him about it.  But he can't live here if he's violent -- he's 3-4 inches taller than me and works out with weights almost every day.  Scary.

BUT, our home is much calmer now and ds's behavior is INCREDIBLY different  -- for the better -- when oss isn't here complaining and arguing about everything.  You know that oss complained about having to eat good homecooked meals [em]even when I prepared his favorite meal at his request[/em]?  That's how bad his general attitude was getting and ds was "looking up to his big brother" and emulating him like crazy.

Dd on the other hand is a mess yet.  The county is investigating the foster home she's in due to a party that included "chemical use" (beer for sure), smoking cigarettes and boys and girls that did not live in the foster home attending.  The foster parents were on vacation and their daughter (licensed also) was the one supervising the girls.  And dd doesn't want to come home to live this summer as court ordered because WE haven't made any changes.  She has threatened physical assault against the girl who told her parents and her social worker about the party and she's been stealing and skipping school.  Who hasn't made changes???  She'll be 18 in a year.  As bad as it sounds (and feels) I can't wait.  SHE'LL be responsible for her actions then -- it's too bad no one will hold her accountable NOW before she is an adult though.  No one will listen to me -- this foster home is a great place for her they say.

At least osd turned out ok, and I think that ysd and ds will be ok too.  I don't know about dd or oss though.  I keep on praying for them.
Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. ~  Will Rogers

Kitty C.

DSM, you must be SO proud of her!  What a very mature young lady!  BTW, did anyone have to get out a fire extinguisher when they saw the smoke rolling out of BM's and her family's ears??? ;-)

That advice that someone told you years ago is SO true.  You and DH have been a constant in her life and it obviously shows.  BM may be pissed, but she ain't pissed at the REAL culprit:  HER!  She's just like all the rest, refusing to take responsibility and accept blame, preferring to project it on others.  Too bad, so sad.

Just like when SS threw himself into my arms when DS and I moved back in in Feb., your SD has made her statement of how much she truly loves you.  You and DH should also be proud of yourselves, for bringing up such a bright, mature young lady!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......