Am I too rough?

[kaylene99]

I hope everyone had a great holiday season! :)  It's been a while since I posted here but here's one.  PLEASE share your opinion/advice with me on this one because I need it.

In a recent conversation with the ex-wife, hubby mistakingly ended it with "Ok, love ya, bye!".  I was with him when this happened so I pointed out what he said.  He admitted that that was a huge slip-up and he was not in the right frame of mind ending that conversation like he was talking to me or the kids.  He was very worried that I will doubt him and his love and devotion but I honestly don't.  I actually laughed about it at first and I totally understand the slip-up.  It happened to me a few times before.  Fortunately, I was talking to friends and family so that was perfectly okay because I do love my family and friends (although I don't usually say it).  

So, I told him that he needed to call back and retract that phrase because we don't want the ex-wife thinking anything now, do we?  So, he did.  What he said on that 2nd phone call upset me.  He mentioned that I was in the car and I asked him what did he say to her (in a nasty tone).  The ex-wife apparently laughed and told him that she didn't want him to get beat up by me.  Then, he responded with "I probably will but don't worry about it.  We're good."  I guess they had a joking mood going on but I particularly didn't find that conversation funny.  I felt like I was made out to be the villain when I am not.  I wish he didn't mention me the way he did because it felt like I forced him to call back and make that correction and that I'm really bothered by what he said.  Am I really off track here?  I don't want to give that woman any more "ammunition"!  

All I really want is for hubby to pause and get in the right frame of mind before talking with that woman.  I told him that, unfortunately, we have to be very guarded with her because she's not after our well-being.  We can be civil and friendly to her without being her friends.  I don't think of her as a friend nor a family member or anything of that sort but I do act friendly and civil with her for the sake of the kids.  I asked hubby what he thought of her and he said that he thinks of her "like a family member" because of the kids.  I was shocked!  She may be the mother of their kids but the word "family" should not be attached to her in any way, shape or form because she really is not and she proves it time and time again.  She may have been at one point but that's over with.  I feel very disappointed that he regards her this way because she's not.  All she ever did was take advantage of him and give him all the misery in the world!!!  

Hubby promised that he will try his very best to not make stupid mistakes like that and that he will sound off to me before he even deals with her.  I told him that it's not realistic that I should be around with his every conversation with her and I will not be.  But, first and foremost, he needs to change his view of her, his attitude toward her and especially the way he communicates with her because things are different now.  Always be guarded against her because you never know what she will do or use against you.  I believe that once he gets this right on his head, he will be fine conversing with her.  I will also feel more comfortable that their conversation will be more focused on the kids and that he isn't sharing stuff he shouldn't be sharing.  

What do you think of this situation?  Do you think I'm making a mountain out of a moehill?  Am I being too rough on hubby?  Am I way out of line?  

Please advise.  Thanks.

[Moebear1]

I don't think so.  It sounds like my DH.  He told me a couple of weeks ago that BM called him (to ask us to watch SDs during the week AGAIN) and they talked for 1/2 hour.  I told him that was totally inappropriate.  I don't disagree they can and should be civil, if not friendly, but actually being friends is out of the question.  It seems he has forgotten all the rotten things she said about him while we were in court last year (oddly enough, so we would have them during the week...).  Not only did she accuse him of being a drug abuse (which he is not), she came insinuated that he had done something inappropriate to the girls because we told the judge that the girls had had hand marks on their behinds several hours after being with her.  The handmarks were seen while they were getting in their baths by ME (at 6 & 9 I was doing their baths because they are girls).  She said HE should not be bathing them anymore.  Duh, he wasn't, I was.  The point was she was spanking him hard enough that the marks were still there 8 or 9 hours later.
Anyway, I will never forgive her for the things she said about me in court.  If he wants to be buddies with her, fine.  But once the youngest SD is an adult, I will be telling BM exactly what I think of her and her (lack of) mothering skills.

[SadStepMom]

I don't think you should have had him call her back to begin with, that turned something that was a slip up, and hopefully would have just slipped by, into something more important.

You my husband's ex gets all friendly when they are on the phone.  He hates it and tries to get off as soon as possible.  But some times they are on the phone for an hour.  I told him to look at it like he was a private detective; the longer they talk, the more information he can get about what is going on in his children's lives, the ex's life, etc.

I do agree that he should try and keep it to a minimum what he tells her about your life though - as you said, don't want to give her ammunition

[rachaelmomma]

first, I agree with the previous post that you should not have made him call her back.  He obviously thought you were over reacting regardless of how you truely felt, he took your questioning the comment as an over-reaction.  You gave the Ex that extra fuel as soon as he dialed her number regardless of how he took his remark back.  If anything you could have just expressed to him that should the Ex mention it in the future he needed to make it clear to her that his statement was a slip up.

BTW - I would have been pissed if my DH said that.

Second, I think he is a pig for yucking it up with his EX wife at your expence.  There is no need for conversation between him and his Ex unless it involves the kids IMO.

Third, I agree with you that he should not think of her as "family".  If he wants her in his "family" then he should still be married to her.  She does not have to be in HIS family just because she is the biological mother of his children.  

Symantics are important here.  Ask him to define "family".   You may be suprised at the difference in definition between your view and his.

My husband and I got in a huge fight over the word "need".  I forget what started the subject but we were talking about what we needed in life and I asked him if he needed me and he said no... needless to say I was a blubbery mess and ready to pack up and leave if he didn't need me (by my definition of need of course).  Luckily we "discussed" it further and I discovered that he defines need as true physical needs: food, water, shelter... everything else, to him, is a want.  There are some wants that you just don't want to live without (like your spouse) and there are some wants that are unnecessary but make your life happier (like a DVD player).  My definition of need of course included all those things that I don't want to live without including love and feeling that my loved ones "need" me in their lives.  Hense the HUGE gap in communication, the massive argument and crying benge that followed, and lots of hurt feelings.

So my advice would be to sit down with your DH and have a talk about symantics.  Get the definitions streight and if necessary consult Websters to get an authoritative answer.

[ivehadit]

having him call back and retract the statement was the wrong thing to do. It's pretty much akin (in a guy's eyes) as tripping over a crack and then having to go back to apologize to that part of the sidewalk. Pointless.

You put him in a really embarassing situation and there was no way his male pride was going to take the bite for it. His ex wife has known him longer than you have, she knows what he will and won't apologize for, it's part of why they are divorced. So she knew the minute the "retraction" came out of his mouth who made him do it. You pretty much set your own self up for that humiliation.

Next time, let it slide woman, don't be so insecure.

The family thing...

You know what, I have a daughter with a woman I'm not married to anymore. We will always, to a point, be family because that is what our child feels we both are, her family. I will not, under any circumstance, spoil that image for my daughter and neither will my ex.

She and I will occasionally banter abut things going on in our lives, even when we were going through the harder times of our split #1 because our daughter was in earshot, #2 because you can't be effective parents if all you do is hate each other.
 

[olanna]

I am great friends with my youngest son's father.  We have been apart for almost 6 years and maintain a great relationship...even to the point of us doing some contracting work together.

There is nothing wrong with anyone being friend's with their ex if they feel it.  It's great for the kids, as well.

[Moebear1]

I'm glad that you can be such good friends with your child's father.  I assume you would never lie in court and accuse him of things you know are false and also criminal?
I'm glad they are on better terms but I think he needs to watch his back because she will stick a knife in it as soon as she feels she needs to, whether it hurts the kids or not.

[olanna]

NOpe...never lied in court about anything. Actually my ex was such a pathetic parent when we first seperated, he ended up shooting himself in the foot over and over again. I had to do nothing...he argued with the judge *after* she awarded him alimony...he griped in email to me about the time he had with son and how inconvenient it was for him...

So, I was the one that had to watch my back...but he has grown so much.  I am so happy for my son.

[backwardsbike]

God-- I wish you were my ex!  I agree with what you said about how can you be effective parents if all you do is hate each other.

I also deal with that "being a family" issue.  No one who knows my ex or me would ever think we had ever been family.  But deep down I wish we could somehow put aside all the hatred and bitterness and get back to being cordial.  I could forgive what he has done to me ( and it has been awful).  If only I could be sure that he wouldn't do it again.

I met my ex when I was 15 years old.  I grew up with him and his family.  My MIL taught me to cook.  His grandma taught me to quilt.  When his mom had open heart surgery it was me and not her own daughter who stayed by her side for ten days until she could return to living alone.  Removing my wedding ring did not erase this.  Shortly before I left the home my ex broke his foot into twelve pieces.  He needed major reconstructive surgery,  After the surgery he couldn't void ( in English, he couldn't pee on his own).  I suggessted to the doctor that he write an order for a straight cath.  I am a nurse and so the doc allowed me to perform the procedure.  In 15 minutes he was feelling much better and since the muscles of his bladder were not over- extended he was then able to void on his own.  We knew I was leaving.  Trust me the last thing I wanted to do was handle his private parts but I knew it would make him more comfortable and I knew him and his physiology well enough after all those years to solve the problem.  I did it because he is a human being and he was in pain.  I knew I could help him and I just would never have thought not to do it.

 I knew things about him that his doctor didn't know.  I will always know things about him that others don't know as I will with all of his family and the kids.  They know things about me to.  They know what hurts me.  They know my anger buttons.  All of us have this knowledge about our ex and ex families.  It is up to each of us to decide how to use what we know.  We can use it for the good of the children or we can destroy each other with it.

I will not use what I know to destroy my ex.  Not because I still love him but because I love my children.  My children need both of us.  I know that and I act based on that knowledge.  My ex hates me.  That is his choice.  I have no control over how he uses what he know about me.  But I am in control of how I react to it.  Most of the time I do a pretty good job of acting in my kids best interests.  But I am human so every once in awhile I strike out.  I strike out of pain and frustration.  I try not to beat myself up over my occassional lapses.  I continue to try to be better today than I was yesterday.  That makes me a healthier person and it makes me a better parent to my kids.

I think we will always be "family" with our exes.  I know how painful that can be to new partners.  But once there are children the mother and father are connected to each other eternally.  That does not mean that we need to expose ourselves to more pain and heartache than necessary.  We need to be prudent.  But if we cut ourselves off and permenantly close doors and burn bridges we may miss a chance for a better realtionship in the event a change occurs that may be for the good.  And trust me on this, that type of a change is ALWAYS a possibility.

As a second spouse I try to remind myself that it is me my husband comes home to each and every night.  So while he may be eternally conncted to some other woman he is with me now.  We all had a life before we got married.   Those lives were filled with all kinds of people to whom we made all kinds of connections.  That is what made us the people we are today.  I am sure you love your husband, Kaylene.  But he could not be who he is today without having gone through all he has up to this point in his life.

Remeber,  You are both human.  You both have slips and say and do things that you wish you hadn't.  You should remember not to beat yourselves up.  In the grand scheme of life those little slips seldom matter.

[flewwellin]

Ummm,  I'd have to say that I would have reacted about the same as you maybe alittle worse cause I would have asked what he meant about me having a nasty attitude.  it would have probably become an argument.  I trust my Hubby very very much.  His ex wife made a pass at him while she was picking up the kids one morning while i was at work and he called me the second he told her to leave and told me exactly what happened.  He said he wanted me to hear it from him and not the neighbors.  Nothing happened but he wanted to tell me about it.  I think it shook him up some.  He  said it kinda grossed him out too.  LOL She never gets around him without me there now.  Cause she just can't be trusted.  He's not the problem she is.