How do you cope with BM as a step---mom Part 2

[almostastepmom]

Ok, I read and re-read all those post about how to cope with BM and I just laughed and laughed at all of you.  For I am in the same position.

First, please send me one of those dolls.... I do believe in Karma and I know where she is going in the end........ It isn't heven!

Second, I just recieved a letter today about why my SO's daughter has been acting out when she is with us (been together for 4 yrs).  She did not address it to both of us, just him, but I am the one that wrote the letter stating to her that we were having problems with SD- 9 and I signed my name to it.  She stated that I am the problem and if he got rid of the problem she would stop acting out!  

Now, I have been the ONLY person to communicate with her for the past 6 months.  I call to set up pick-up times and drop-off times, I send the kids cards, care packages, I did all the shopping for Christmas and birthdays and any other stinking holiday that comes around and this little girl and her mother are going to tell me that I AM THE PROBLEM!  UGH!  I will tell you that SO is a Police Officer and is working 3 jobs to pay her CS and SM... And he wont talk to her any more because she is now taking him to court for more money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love these kids to death, they are the only kids I will ever have in my life time, because we will not have any when we get married.  I treat them better then good, I love them, and tell them I love them all the time.  And here stands this BM that when those kids are dropped off, tells them that I am a bad person, speaks about us in a poor manner in front of them.  I never do that. Although I did call her rude one time for hanging up on me.  I have requested that we ALL sit down and talk about what is happening with them and she just keeps filling their heads full of bad thoughts and when I'm there she does her little I'm the best mommy in the world act.

So, I am taking someones advice, actually all of your advice and I will not speak to her any more.  This is not my fight!  I am tired of feeling like a horrable person because these two kids have been brain washed to not like me.  I am done!

And I'm not joking about the vodoo doll!  I need it!

[joni]

I'm hoping to go to New Orleans in May....I can pick you up a doll with lots of mojo there! ;-)

Your SO should not put you in the middle of it.  Just because he's mad at her for court doesn't mean he has to stop the communication and put you in harms way.  I'm glad to hear that you're stepping out of the communication phase of the war.  It'll force him to step up to bat and co parent with mom and take care of the issues with regards to the children and their mother.

There's no reason you can't love your skids to death.  Spoil them, buy them presents, cherish the time that they're with you.  Set a great example of love, respect, patience and tolerance for them.  They will remember you for this, regardless of what may transpire down the road.

I too, in our relationship, plan the events and buy the gifts and necessities for when my SD is in town.  But, I also do this for the son that me and DH share.  It only seems reasonable and logical that I should do the same for SD.  And I do a good job of it, if I say so myself.

But the best thing I did for myself this past year was not answer the phone when PBFH calls our home.  It was exactly last Christmas that I disengaged from the PBFH.  When we go to the airport to drop off SD, I make DH park in the airport parking lot so I don't have to see her or I stay home.

And I know this makes life easier for the PBFH.  By not giving her any issue, words or scenario to misinterpret, I take alot of fire away from her flame.  It's not to say that she still doesn't tell SD that she hates me and she still says really terrible things about me to SD, but my SD knows it's not coming from me and she knows it's her mother's problem.

And finally, your skids will learn based how to treat you based on the example that their father sets for how he treats you in their presence.  Remember this, kids aren't stupid, they're in the middle of a war zone here, and what they're doing, even though your a casualty, is called survival.  They're doing the best they can to survive in their mother's hell...I mean, home.

Lots of SM's here on this board go through the same thing, there's strength in numbers and we'll always be here for one another.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

Take a deep breath!  I am a NCP mom.  The Cp SM in our case sounds just like the BM in your case.  I guess the world is just full of maladjusted, negative, insecure people.

Please note that I said insecure.  That is what you are running up against.  Talking to this woman will not help.  She doesn't even speak the same lanuguage as you.  Whatever you say she will twist around to make herself look like the victim.  She can't help it.  She really feels so inferior that that is how she sees the world.  It's a pretty lousy place to be, actually.  It is hard not to take her crap personally but it really isn't about you.  It's about her.  All insecurity is about the person who is feeling insecure not the current object of their hate and discontent.  You can learn to step back and remove yourself from it.  Once you learn how to depersonalize it it will bother you less.  I'd still get the voodoo doll ( just kidding!)

As for her telling the kids lies about you, now that is another story.  You can't just let that go.  You cannot stop her from doing it either.  We have a court order which prohibits it.  SM does it anyway and BD sits back and sayd, "I didn't say it.  I can't control what she says when I'm not there ( which is about 23 hours out of the day).".  You need to help the children see the truth.  Let the know what you do for them.  In reality they probably do not know and so as she fills there heads with her lies they aren't getting anything to use to do a reailty check.  You don't have to bad mouth her.  I know it's a temptation but you said you love the kids.  Just tell them the truth.  Confront the things they tell you that she said and never, ever stop loving them.

[backwardsbike]

Well said Joni!  

[almostastepmom]

First thanks for taking the time to write.  It means more then anyone can know at this point in time.

I understand that I can't stop her from saying what she does, but how on earth do I make those kids understand that I am not as evil and mean as they think I am.  

Last spring the kids went home after a great week with us (spring break) and told their mother all kinds of lies about me.  They told her that I was asking all kinds of questions about where the does the money their father gives their mother each month goes, why does their mother take money out of their piggy banks (which she does), and supposly asking questions about BM going out on the town all the time.  When in real life all I asked was ONE question, which I asked their father first and he couldn't tell me.  I ask if they both had savings accounts?  They both said no, and I let the conversation die.  
After that phone call I was so mad I could have done something rash, but I didn't.  The next weekend I distanced myself from them because I was so angry.  Then they decided they didn't like the rules that were set forth in our house.  Such as;  brush your teeth, make your beds, clean up after yourself, and you have to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Then it started all over again.  I was mean and I would yell at them, which I have NEVER done since I have met them.

So I guess my problem is with both the mom and kids.  No matter what I do for them they always seem unappreciative and cold.  They are not only this way to me, but their grandparents also.  I don't want this behavior in my house so what on earth do I do?

[Moebear1]

< Then they decided they didn't like the rules that were set forth in our house.  Such as; brush your teeth, make your beds, clean up after yourself, and you have to go to bed at a reasonable hour.  Then it started all over again.  I was mean and I would yell at them, which I have NEVER done since I have met them.

Sounds like my SDs, mostly the 13 year old.  Apparently at their mom's house they don't have to clean up after themselves and make their beds.  I shudder to think how long it's been since their sheets were last washed, especially since SD13 has a urination problem that no one wants to face or do anything about.  And I would think that by 13 they would know enough to brush their teeth without being reminded but she doesn't.  Heck, when I was 13 I was cooking dinner for myself and doing my own laundry, at a laundromat no less!
And regarding the rule about bedtime, SD10 told us she goes to sleep at 10:00 on school nights.  I told her I was 15 before I was allowed to stay up that late on a school night and if she got more sleep she wouldn't be so cranky.  The only reason they stay up is their mom is up if she's home (she works the night shift so if she's home at night she's awake).

[sweetpea1]

I have to tell you, it will probably get worse before it gets better.  

Hi, Almost a Stepmom, I didn't read your part 1 so I'm only going by this part 2 post.  I'm a SM of about 5 yrs or so.  And I'm actually one of the minority in that I have a great relationship with BM and SD.  We've had our ups and downs and will continue to have them for years to come, but so far so good.  

My suggestion to you is to STOP trying to make them understand that you are not as mean and evil as they are told you are.  Be yourself.  Don't bend over backwards for them, for as long as they treat you with such disdain.  It reeks of desperation and will only support whatever crap their mom is telling them.  Be yourself.  Either they will like you or they won't.  They will either believe their mom or they can believe their own eyes.  

That doesn't mean you have to be mean or cold, if that isn't the type of person you are, don't become that.  Just keep on keeping on.  If they are unappreciative or cold, there is nothing you can do it about it, but do whatever you do to be true to yourself.  So you can live with yourself.  Not to win them or gain their appreciation.  But lay down your hopes that they will change.  Maybe they will maybe they won't.  If they change you can be pleasantly surprised, fi they don't you won't be surprised.  

Try not to be too hurt by what they told their mother.  They are caught in a war and they are telling her what she wants to hear.  Yes, it hurts, but don't take their words as their final opinion of you.  They have been thrown into a game they had no choice in and are learning to play it.  

Depending on what type of relationship you have with your SKs.  This is basically what I would tell them, and you should soften or reword it to suit your personality.  But what I told my SD was this... I don't really care what her mom does at her house.  That is her house and she has the right to run it however she wants.  However,SD  is currently in my and her father's house.  We make the rules here. Not her and not her mother.  The day either of them pay our mortgage is the day they can tell us how to run our household, but until that happens we will run our house the way we see fit.  She doesn't have to like it, as a matter of fact, I could gurantee that she WON'T like the rules.  I didn't like the rules at my mother's house either.  BUT she will follow them.  That's just how it is.  Then it should be up to your DH and you to enforce the rules.

My SD has argued with me that I am not her mother and she doesn't have to listen to me.  I told her that's right, I'm not her mother, and she needs to understand that REAL FAST.   Don't think that she can treat ME  anyway she wants and I still have to DO for her.  I don't.  I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, and I promised her, I did a hell of lot more for her than she did for me.  That's the real world.  Welcome.  

My SD is a head strong independent kid.  Once she makes up her mind, no one can unmake it for her.  Not even her mom.  

My SD came into my life when  7 yrs of age.  I treated her as I would treat any child in my home.  I expected from what her what I expected from any other children.  To show respect to as an adult.  Her loving me wasn't expected but it sure was an added bonus.  Her first words of disrespect, I just looked at her, and said I know your mother taught you better than that.  Despite her mother telling her she didn't have to listen to me, that got her attention and reinforced my position as an adult. Not a SM. Heaven forbid anyone think badly of their mother for not raising them right.   Her dad looked at her and said, "I taught you better than that, too!"  

Kids are smart.  They know what they can get away with and what they can't.  It's not easy, doesn't always work and it takes time, and a lot of energy, A lot of tears and a lot of frustration, but I'm living proof that it CAN happen.  My DH's XW WAS a PBFH, but she changed and so did I, DH and SD.  Good luck to you!!!  

[leftoverinmn]

After reading Joni's post on dolls, I found out that you can purchace them on ebay.....

[wendl]

Well bm said things to my stepkids after the trial and the next weekend they wouldn't look or talk to me, dh had a talk with them and the following weekend they were fine.

If the stepkids do not appreciate what you do for them STOP.  My stepkids show appreciation for the things I do.

Wht happens many times is they start seeing you as a person and not the evil stepmom, then they go back to moms and it starts all over again.

All I can say is my mom used to do this to me with my stepmom, she would say crap about my stepmom, as I grew older I realized that my stepmom wasn't the person my mom said, and it actually brought me closer to my stepmom and I started to distance myself from my mother.

All you can do is continue to show the kids you love them, make them follow YOUR house rules as it is your house. If they continue let dad deal with it, don't let it bother you or you will make yourself sick.

Have you ever stopped doing things for them, like NOT making dinner, NOT doing laundry NOT taking them to the store, let your dh do this or if the kids are old enough have them do it, I am sure they won't like it and will change their attitude. My son was being a jerk for awhile and I said fine you don't want to follow the rules DON"T however you will need to fend for yourself, I made a list of everything I do for him, from cooking to helping with homework, he did it for 1/2 a day and hated it and decided to behave, and realised how much I did for our family along with working full time.

You could have dad call a family meeting and at that time Dad set the household rules and what is expected of them, should they not follow the household rules then they will have consequences to those rules they have broken. It will take time but continue to stand your ground, don't let them see you upset as it will fuel moms fire her knowing this pisses you off.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[ksmomof2girls]

I have 2 girls 9 and 11.  

I am a NCM.....  

My X is remarried. I am not, but I do have a SO.

I had heard from another person who was told that our girls told my X that they didn't like my SO.

I was floored to hear this, as SO and I know their actions towards him when they are here for visits.  

I tried explaining this to the person who told me what she was told.  

Her response was that they are trying to please the parent they are with.
( I know they are trying to please me, because my YDD, will tell my SO that she loves him without me making her say it, and they are always wanting to know when SO is getting off of work when they are here, as they love spending time with him.)

I honestly think that the kids are trying to please MOM.  

Our girls can't tell me that they don't like their SM as they have been around their SM since they were little. ( SM was my Best friend in H.S. and while X and I were married.)

Don't let it bother you.  Just realize that the kids are just trying to please MOM so they won't get into trouble by her for caring or liking you more than she would like for them to.