Any Stepmoms out there dealing with nasty exes?

[kricket25]

Question for you - how do you do it? How do you put it aside and forget about it so you can go on with your own life? Especially when the ex keeps doing awful things?

[Sherry1]

it is not my problem, it is my husband's problem.  I basically ignore anything and everything she does and I will not let her screw up my life.

[junglechicken]

now she's kinda like a mosquito.  Mostly out of my way, but when she is around she's a PIMA!

However, I just remember I was never married to her and she's not my mother.  I don't deal with her.  Took me five years to answer the phone in my own house when she called.  lol  

We really just stay out of each other's way.  She doesn't engage me, I don't engage her.  It's always been that way, no matter what the voices in her head were telling her at the time.  ;)  

[hagatha]

I kept a documenting copy book next to my chair all the time. Except when sd was actually here, then it went into a cabinet.

What I learned through the struggle was you have to make a conscience effort to put her out of your mind. The documenting had to be done and I was the one that got the job. But when I closed that book I stopped obsessing about the crap.

Whenever there was an episode, I would deal with only as much as necessary, document what had happened and close the book. Then I did something that was just for me, even of it was only for a couple minutes. I concentrated on ME. When I found I was obsessing again I would literaly tell myself to stop and think about something else.

It does take time to accomplish, but it can be done.

The Witch

[kricket25]

Thank you hagatha ... I'm in a similar situation. I'm the "documenter". And thank you everyone for your comments. I'm new here (10-19-06) and it's really nice to know that there are other people in the same situation and what you do about it.

[gabes_mom]

Thankfully DH's ex lives over 500 miles away.  Yes that makes seeing and being with the kids really difficult and we dont' see them as much as we like but when she moved our stress levels went from always elevated to almost never have to worry about her.

Like some of ya'll said, I'm also the "documentor" and unfortunately I do interact with the BM sometimes I wonder if it'd be easier if I didn't have to bother with her.  However DH and BM don't get along at all and can barely hold a civil conversation.

[melissa3]

Wish I could offer really good advice but I'm still learning how to deal with a mean BM myself. These ladies are right though, don't let BM get to you. If you get upset when she does stupid things then you are giving her all the control.

I can, however, offer some advice on how to get even with BM, without her actually knowing. If she's the CP, then you and your significant other can drop off toys at her house for the kids. Just make sure the toys are the most loudest, annoying and obnoxious as possible. That way, she'll either have to deal with the awful noisy toys or deal with the kids crying because she took their new toy away (and she'll run the risk of looking like the dreaded "mean parent".)

You can change the time you drop-off the toys to suit your needs. For example, drop the toys off when BM's new boyfriend is over so he can see the kids on their worst behavior, or after dinner when BM is trying to get the kids settled or early in the morning when you know BM is still in bed (think Christmas/Hanukkah Morning effect)

I know it sounds really awful, but when you've been put through as much hell as my fiance and me have been through........well, lets just say this is nothing compared to what our BM has done to SD, my fiance and I.

Anyway, hang in there; it gets better as you learn and go along. Good Luck!



PS: If she has a dog, buy him a new squeaky toy also.  

Barking dog +squeaky toy + squealing children + new toy that talks, rattles,  sings, play music or has sirens = Parents/Adults worst nightmare!!!

So, in other words:

Price of "most obnoxious toy on the planet": $5-$30
Price of new squeaky toy for dog: $2

The satisfaction of calling BM's house, hearing the pandemonium in the background and knowing BM is about to lose her mind: Absolutely freaking PRICELESS!!!! =)


PLEASE NOTE: This was meant to make you laugh. I don't advocate using the children to hurt or "bother" the other parent. However, I will never forget the time we got yelled at by BM for buying a cool toy that made noise for SD.  =)

[Ref]

So many of us have to deal with crazies. I too have stepped out of direct contact with BM. She pretends like she is too good to speak with me anyway.

Indirectly though, I write the first draft of many of the letters. I document info for DH... you know, the works.

Sometimes she gets me so upset I obsess about it. Right now, I am taking a foreign language course offered through the school district and a boxing class at the gym. This is helpful. For some, a shopping trip or a nice facial help.

You need to take care of yourself though. Helping your husband and his children is important, but you aren't going to do them any good if you are destroying yourself.

Best of luck
Ref

[Giggles]

hehehehe  Somehow batteries just don't last long around my house....hehehehe

Dad got DS a really LOUD play semi-Truck that even beeped when you rolled it backwards...I could have shot him for that one...ugh

Dad figures it's payback time...hehehehe

[FLMom]

Actually, I'm the BM dealing with a PIA stepmother, but I had to chime in due to recent events.

When SM was dating my ex, there were no problems at all in me picking up the kiddos off schedule so they could have alone time. Once they got married, however, it was a whole different ball game. Due to a nasty divorce she had a few years before she met my ex, she was well schooled in how to use the courts to make my life a living hell. The kicker was that for several years my ex and I had a very friendly way of raising our children. Once she was fully established into the picture, she made sure that all changed.

The worst thing of all was that they moved---not far enough away to make time sharing impossible, just extremely difficult. She taught him how to suck my bank account dry, even though he ended up spending tens of thousands of dollars in atty fees to do it. When he had a fight with her, he'd then call me and tell me what a biotch I was for ruining his life (I fought back with the court stuff--hard).

Fast forward to now. I hear from the kiddos that they're getting a divorce, but can't do it right now cause they spent a fortune to buy a mansion that neither can afford to move out of. The kiddos finally got pushed away from her one time too many, and now have given up on having any relationship with her. The ex quit a job making 80K a year so they could start a business together---I have no idea how they're gonna split that puppy up.

I guess what I'm getting at is that people like your SM have a way of mucking things up eventually. I love how Hagatha ends her posts-----"Karma is a WONDERFUL thing". And it is SO true. When you are continually taking the high road and not letting triffling events get to you (too much), you are able to find a peace that will get you through. It never fails---they show their fannies one too many times and it comes back to bite them in said body part.

I have to admit this: I REVEL in being as nice as possible, even when she's on a tangent. There is something so satisfactory about keeping cool when you're watching someone else's wig on fire. BTW, every once in a while a glass of scotch while you're reveling doesn't hurt either. ;-)

Good luck and enjoy your heels clicking on the high road,

FLMom