BM Update and Question!

[jilly]

Here's a sentence from the original post about calling the BM a liar:

"I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq. It was my job while he was gone, ya know. Then when he got back after a year, we just kept it like it was. He didn't have to deal with her, and I didn't mind it. "

She was in a situation where she HAD to be the contact person for everything.  Granted, when her DH came back he should have taken that responsibility back, but he didn't.  So...she does have the "right" to discuss this and other issues with the BM.  My personal opinion:  she needs to hand this over to her DH and let him deal with it.  And if he chooses not to, then so be it.

I didn't read her comment about the eye contact as "forcing" it.  There is nothing illegal about forcing eye contacdt on someone and, to my knowledge, it's not harassment.  I'd be glad to test the theory though just so I could see the judge laugh you out of the courtroom for such frivolous charges.

[Jade]

>Here's a sentence from the original post about calling the BM
>a liar:
>
>"I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq. It
>was my job while he was gone, ya know. Then when he got back
>after a year, we just kept it like it was. He didn't have to
>deal with her, and I didn't mind it. "
>
>She was in a situation where she HAD to be the contact person
>for everything.  Granted, when her DH came back he should have
>taken that responsibility back, but he didn't.  So...she does
>have the "right" to discuss this and other issues with the BM.
> My personal opinion:  she needs to hand this over to her DH
>and let him deal with it.  And if he chooses not to, then so
>be it.
>

While the father was unable to actually discuss the financial matters with the actual mother, the actual mother may have had to go through the stepmother to relay info to the father that is no longer the case.  

My personal opinion, if my ex were to marry someone who thought she had the right to discuss financial matters regarding my children, she would find that she was talking to air.  I simply will not discuss something that is none of her business.  Unless my ex lies to her, she would be fully aware that he has financial obligations when he met her.



>I didn't read her comment about the eye contact as "forcing"
>it.  There is nothing illegal about forcing eye contacdt on
>someone and, to my knowledge, it's not harassment.  I'd be
>glad to test the theory though just so I could see the judge
>laugh you out of the courtroom for such frivolous charges.

You may want to look up the definition of harassment.  BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom.  He would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not helping the situation.

[FatherTime]

I'm sorry Jade.  I'm not picking on you. I'm just disagreeing.  I appreciate your input as much as everyone else's.
-------------------------------------------------

Eye contact is not harrasment...it is acknowledgment.  

" BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom. He would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not helping the situation. "

Don't be too sure about that.  Judges are as varied as their judgements.  They all have their quirks and biases.  

A little over the top.
_____________________________

"And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child. Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so. "

100% wrong?  Not.  Financial matters can be shared among married couples.  Albeit, not all couples co-mingle funds, a majority do.  It's a part of her household budget and it does affect other areas of her financial marriage.  She has a say in the matter.  

Bleemom :D        Quit looking at me!!!  I'll have you arrested or restrained from looking in my general direction.

jj

[Jade]

>I'm sorry Jade.  I'm not picking on you. I'm just
>disagreeing.  I appreciate your input as much as everyone
>else's.
>-------------------------------------------------
>
>Eye contact is not harrasment...it is acknowledgment.  

When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR (and according to the original poster, she DID) that she doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that.  And, to be quite blunt, rather immature and shows a lack of character on the person's who is insisting on the eye contact.  

>
>" BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom. He
>would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not
>helping the situation. "
>
>Don't be too sure about that.  Judges are as varied as their
>judgements.  They all have their quirks and biases.  
>
>A little over the top.

Just like the poster who said it would be laughed out of court shouldn't be too sure that that is what would happen.

>_____________________________
>
>"And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a
>say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child.
>Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so. "
>
>100% wrong?  Not.  Financial matters can be shared among
>married couples.  Albeit, not all couples co-mingle funds, a
>majority do.  It's a part of her household budget and it does
>affect other areas of her financial marriage.  She has a say
>in the matter.  


Actually, I am correct.  The stepmother has no say in the financial matters concerning the support of the the father's children.  The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to do what the court order states.  

And only the actual parent can bring contempt charges against the other actual parent to enforce an existing court order.  And the actual mother doesn't have to discuss it with the stepmother at all as the stepmother has no say in the matter at all.  She can't force the actual father to legally pursue any money that the actual mother owes nor can she file suit against the actual mother.  She simply has no legal standing at all.  

And she is only making matters worse by her behavior.  

[topnotchdad]

It is quite obvious that Jade is not a step-mother.

Lets just cut her some slack for the time being, and remember that until she has some ACTUAL step-children that she ACTUALLY loves, and she might ACTUALLY care about what is best for them; regardless of if their ACTUAL mother ACTUALLY actively participates in their lives or not--

well, until Jade has some ACTUAL step-children, she just won't ACTUALLY understand what it's like to be a step-mom.

So geez, guys, cut her some slack and quit forcing her to post messages here.  It's harassment!

;)

[jilly]

:D :D

[FatherTime]

"Actually, I am correct. The stepmother has no say in the financial matters concerning the support of the the father's children. The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to do what the court order states. "

She has more say than you think.  Maybe not in court, but in the household.  Life is not centered around a court order.  

From one of your previous posts...

"Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact on another human being?"

and from your last post...

"When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR (and according to the original poster, she DID) that she doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that."

Do you work at a womans domestic violence shelter?  Battery by eye contact.  Take the kids away. ( I know that you didn't say that, but it almost falls inline with that type of thinking )

strange

[Jade]

>"Actually, I am correct. The stepmother has no say in the
>financial matters concerning the support of the the father's
>children. The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to
>do what the court order states. "
>
>She has more say than you think.  Maybe not in court, but in
>the household.  Life is not centered around a court order.  
>
When it comes to financial matters concerning children from her husband's previous marriage, yes, it is centered around a court order.  The budget has to be planned around the court order.  Child support does not take expenses into consideration. Sure, she can tell him to stop paying child support.  But then that is only going to get him into trouble if he actually listens to her.  Sure, she can tell him to file contempt charges.  But if he chooses not to, she can't force him to.

She has no legal standing.  And the actual mother is not obligated in any way to actually talk to her about financial matters.


>From one of your previous posts...
>
>"Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact
>on another human being?"
>
>and from your last post...
>
>"When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR
>(and according to the original poster, she DID) that she
>doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that."
>
>Do you work at a womans domestic violence shelter?  Battery by
>eye contact.  


No, I don't work at a domestic violence shelter.  I just recognize controlling behavior when someone posts it.  And that is one big red flag.  Would I press charges?  No, but I sure as hell would make it clear just how childish her behavior was.  

Take the kids away. ( I know that you didn't say
>that, but it almost falls inline with that type of thinking )
>

Not even close, but if it makes you feel better to think that, I certainly can't stop you.  

[Jade]

>It is quite obvious that Jade is not a step-mother.
>
>Lets just cut her some slack for the time being, and remember
>that until she has some ACTUAL step-children that she ACTUALLY
>loves, and she might ACTUALLY care about what is best for
>them; regardless of if their ACTUAL mother ACTUALLY actively
>participates in their lives or not--
>
>well, until Jade has some ACTUAL step-children, she just won't
>ACTUALLY understand what it's like to be a step-mom.
>
>So geez, guys, cut her some slack and quit forcing her to post
>messages here.  It's harassment!
>
>;)

Jade happened to be a STEPdaughter at one point.  And to be quite blunt, the stepparents sticking their nose where it didn't belong only made it worse for my siblings and me.  Have you ever, once considered, that that is what happens when stepparents overstep their boundaries?


One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse.  

And if I ever become a stepmom, I will respect the fact that I am NOT the mom.  And that I have no say in the financial matters between the ACTUAL parents.  

And the actual mother in this case IS actively involved in the child's life.  And, yet, the STEPmother thinks she happens to be the mom.  She is clearly overstepping her boundaries.

[topnotchdad]

>
>Jade happened to be a STEPdaughter at one point.

I was an Algebra student once.  That certainly doesn't mean I know how it feels to be an Algebra TEACHER, does it?

 And to be
>quite blunt, the stepparents sticking their nose where it
>didn't belong only made it worse for my siblings and me.  Have
>you ever, once considered, that that is what happens when
>stepparents overstep their boundaries?
>
>

Have you ever, once considered that not every family fits into the box you want them to?


>One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a
>stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse.
>
>
>And if I ever become a stepmom, I will respect the fact that I
>am NOT the mom.  And that I have no say in the financial
>matters between the ACTUAL parents.  

I hope that if you ever do become a step-mom, that the childrens' ACTUAL mother doesn't leave you to do all the work of raising her children like some BM's do.  It would be really great if all mothers stepped up to the plate and did stuff with their kids, took them to appointments, practices, etc.  But guess what?  Not all mom's do.  So should the step-mother say, "Tough luck, stepkid.  I'm not your ACTUAL mom so you will just have to miss baseball practice b/c it's none of my business if you get there or not."

Should the step-mother say, " Sorry that you don't get to go to camp, step-kid, because your ACTUAL mother said she was going to send in the registration forms, but she didn't, and that's none of my business."

Most step-moms want what's best for their step-kids.   Please give us credit for that.  I'm sure that SOME step-moms overstep their boundaries, but you know what?  Being a step-mom is not exactly an easy job.  
>
>And the actual mother in this case IS actively involved in the
>child's life.  And, yet, the STEPmother thinks she happens to
>be the mom.  She is clearly overstepping her boundaries.
>

I don't think the step-mother really thinks she is the mom.  I think when she wrote that, what she MEANT was that she's the "responsible party," who keeps track of the appointments, practices, school calendar, etc.

 Just like I think when she said she "forced eye contact," I don't think she means that she took the mother's head in her hands and opened up her eyelids and forced her to look directly in her eye.

Did anybody think that?  C'mon, show of hands.

Clearly, Jade, you're entitled to your opinion.  Just remember that not every family is alike, and there are lots of different kinds of family dynamics out there.