It's been a long while

[BizyLizy]

I used to be a faithful poster some years ago on this site.

S.P.A.R.C. was instrumental in helping me help my now ex-DH get custody of his two girls. It was an 8 year journey with many valleys and many peaks...

As a second wife who gave and sacrificed entirely too much in the whole ordeal, I have to say that I finally had to walk away. DH had given too little, I had given too much & neither of could fix it.  However, it was a very amicable divorce and I still maintain contact with my ex and the girls. We had no children together. I have one adult son from a former relationship.

I have moved on, and am now dating another divorced man who has joint custody of his daughter. His exwife has two other children from a previous marriage. My bf has been divorced 2 years, married 8, during which time he bonded with her other two children.

My question is this...

He takes all the children during his periods of possession, and the ex manipulates his attachment for them by threatening to cease visitation with the stepkids in order to get what she wants (more money, bailing her out of sticky situations, etc.)

He seems to go along with this. Of course it drives me nuts.  Am I being selfish? Alarms are going off in my head.

I just can't do this again...

[Jade]

>I used to be a faithful poster some years ago on this site.
>
>S.P.A.R.C. was instrumental in helping me help my now ex-DH
>get custody of his two girls. It was an 8 year journey with
>many valleys and many peaks...
>
>As a second wife who gave and sacrificed entirely too much in
>the whole ordeal, I have to say that I finally had to walk
>away. DH had given too little, I had given too much & neither
>of could fix it.  However, it was a very amicable divorce and
>I still maintain contact with my ex and the girls. We had no
>children together. I have one adult son from a former
>relationship.
>
>I have moved on, and am now dating another divorced man who
>has joint custody of his daughter. His exwife has two other
>children from a previous marriage. My bf has been divorced 2
>years, married 8, during which time he bonded with her other
>two children.
>
>My question is this...
>
>He takes all the children during his periods of possession,
>and the ex manipulates his attachment for them by threatening
>to cease visitation with the stepkids in order to get what she
>wants (more money, bailing her out of sticky situations,
>etc.)
>
>He seems to go along with this. Of course it drives me nuts.
>Am I being selfish? Alarms are going off in my head.
>
>I just can't do this again...

Only he can change how he relates to his ex.  He obviously is very attached to his former stepchildren and is willing to do anything to remain a part of their lives.  He has no legal rights to visitation (although he should confirm this with an attorney since visitation seems to have been established) unless his ex lets him.  He is pretty much at her mercy if he wants to continue to see them.  

And an attachment to a child(ren) is a very strong one.  One where if he had to choose between you and the kids (not saying that you would make him do this), he just may choose the kids.  

You are going to have to decide if you want to stay involved with him with all of his baggage.  

[dipper]

"As a second wife who gave and sacrificed entirely too much in the whole ordeal, I have to say that I finally had to walk away. DH had given too little, I had given too much & neither of could fix it."

I think this statement here sums everything up for me - your warning bells and all.  Your new bf's ex has the upper hand and she knows it.  

You are not selfish, not by any means.  I think you need to discuss boundaries with your bf -how far he is willing to let this go with her...and how your relationship will proceed.  

Are you able to disengage yourself from this situation and simply enjoy the relationship with your bf?  

There is nothing you can do to change this situation, so its really a matter of if you can handle this without giving your soul again.....

[MixedBag]

and yes, I believe warning bells are going off.

He's gonna have to be the one who decides when "enough is enough".

You can only express your opinion and feelings and the rest is up to him.

Sorry to read about your loss....same thing happened to me.

Moving on....

[BizyLizy]

Thanks for your thoughts.

I'll have to think about this. There were times when I thought I was disengaging in my marriage...but in the end I lost myself in it.

I think I learned from it. But this newer relationship is feeling a little too familiar.

[BizyLizy]

I absolutely love that he adores and loves his stepchildren. He is a good man with a very sincere and caring soul.

My only concern is the extent to which he will allow his ex to manipulate him, and the extent to which I am able to not allow it to effect me. I care about him, but my first instinct with those I love who I see being taken advantage of is to fight for them, fix it, whatever...

Well, that's just not healthy for me. I can't fight other people's battles anymore. I don't think this man would allow me to do it, anyway. It just pains me a little to see what she does to him & then I begin to feel those familiar instincts take over.

Certainly alot to think about.

[BizyLizy]

MB,

Yes, if I remember correctly, it's about 4-5 years since your divorce, hasn't it?  

I always valued your advice. You are true veteran with pearls of wisdom, my dear! Thank you again.

Many smiles to you!

[MixedBag]

1996 from EX#2 where I became an NCP.... and 2007 from EX#3.