Question about Mom's

[Kitty C.]

DH and I got married when SS was 4 (he's now 13).  BM got remarried EXACTLY 2 weeks later.  It was a confusing time for SS as it was and BM didn't help by being a true PBFH........she hated my guts.  So the best way I could describe it to SS was 'This doesn't mean that Mommy and Daddy don't love you, it means you have 2 more people to love and who love you as well!'  He bought it and never had a problem with it, tho BM tried often to confuse the heck out of him about it.

Then when BM went thru her 2nd divorce, she suddenly developed some compassion.  No increase in the smarts dept., but at least I'm not the wicked stepmom anymore and she willingly talks to me.  And she absolutely has to now!  SS needs braces and I work for a university dental college, where the fees are half of private, plus I can get half that, since I'm an employee there.  Without me, there's no way DH or she could afford braces for SS.

I believe part of the problem may be what is going on in the BM's world, past and present.  There may be issues from her past that make dealing with this issue extremely difficult.  Regardless of what makes her feel that way, I agree with all the other posters.....it's a no-win situation, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.  Follow your heart and do what you feel is right for your SK's....in the end, their feelings are the only ones who matter anyway, right?

[olanna]

And I am really happy that my ex husband married someone that loves my son so much.  He is turning 13, so it's not alway easy to bond with this age. She does a lot of sweet things for him and I see her as a positive in m son's life.

OTOH, the PB in my life is quite jealous of my interaction with her kids.  I am who I am...not their mother but more than just another female adult in their life.  They always seem to be glad to see me, as I am them.

I think it is strange that someone wouldn't be happy that their kids are in good care of a person that loves them...no matter who that person might be.

[gemini3]

It turns out that there was no "list".  The only thing she said was that she felt I was trying to supplant her because I didn't tell the kids not to call me "mom" when they did.  Of course, I never told them they had to call me mom, or asked them to.  They did it of their own accord.  Their mom told them they weren't allowed to, so they don't anymore.  I think it was wrong of their mom to do that, but I don't care if they call me mom or not.

She also said that she thought I wanted her kids because I couldn't have any of my own.  I found that amusing since I'm not infertile - I just chose to wait until I was married to have children.  When I told her that we are planning to have a baby next year, that seemed to upset her even more.

[mistoffolees]

Why would you tell your husband's ex that you're planning to have a baby - particularly since she's showing a tendency to want to get involved in your parenting?

IMHO, the less involvement there is with an ex's personal life, the better. Discussing the kids is important. Discussing the rest of my life is off limits.

[gemini3]

I normally wouldn't - I said that in response to her saying that I was infertile and trying to steal her children.  We were in a counseling session, and I was trying to explain logically that what she was saying wasn't the case.  Of course, in retrospect, I realize that nothing I could say would help someone that came up with something so ridiculous on speculation alone.  You can't reason with someone who is unreasonable.  Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

I agree with what you're saying, and until now have had hardly any interaction with her at all because the more information she has the more she meddles.  Since we've all been ordered to go to counseling together, we have to talk about her "feelings".  Which, in my opinion, is ridiculous.  If she's having problems dealing with the divorce, she should go to individual counseling.

She'll probably run out and get pregnant now.  When she found out we were getting married she ran out and married her boyfriend without even telling her kids.