Need Help for Father, Kinda Long...

[hisliltulip]

No idea where to put this, it falls under pretty much the whole spectrum on these boards, so here goes.

My parents married over 30 years ago.  

There are four kids, OB – 31, Me – 27, YB – 18, YS – 16.

Mom stopped working her PT job when YB was born,  but did just receive her Bachelors degree.  (so therefore COULD work, but chooses not to.)

Dad has been the sole bread winner for many years.

Mom told Dad in 2000 that she wants a divorce.  He bought a house nearby, but has been renovating it the last few years, still living in common home.  He has been trying to stall her until the kids are out of school.  YB just graduated, YS is entering her sophomore year this fall.

Out of the blue last week, Mom asked Dad when he was moving out (this happens about once a year, but this time she was more forceful).  

So, he's been at his new home working hard to get it livable so that he can get out of the house.

He is quite understandably ticked off.  He is willing to grant her the divorce, but wants to stay together until YS is out of school because he does the majority of parenting.  (Driving, attends all sports activities, talks to teachers, etc. etc.)  Plus feels that HS is hard enough on kids without throwing in their parent's divorce.  (Basically wanting to put YS first instead of themselves...)

I have been trying to calm his fears about custody as YS is 16, and shared parenting will not be a problem.  She does actually want to live with him, but is afraid of the ramifications from Mom.  Love Mom to death, but she is UNBELIEVABLE at guilt trips.  So because of this, I think he should push for 50/50 of some sort, if anyone has any ideas on how to factor this in for a 16 yo (or 17 yo) any help would be appreciated.  YS does NOT want to be put on the spot by a court to "Choose", feels it is unfair to put her in that position.

The next problem is alimony.  What he would like to do is figure out all assets, liquid and otherwise, and completely split it 50/50, and then not have to pay alimony.  However, we are unsure if Mom would go for this, or try to take him for all he's worth.  When asked how she plans on paying for things (Mortgage, Taxes, pets needs, Food, etc.) once she gets him out she replies "I don't know".  (Way to think it through...)

Should she not, what are his chances of getting a cap on alimony?  And if there is a cap, for how long?

BTW – the state is NM.

This may blow over once again, but I want Dad prepared should it not be.  34 years is a long time to accumulate things together, and I don't want to see either of them screwed.  My fear is that he will be the one getting screwed though.

If anyone can give me some advice to give him, I would appreciate it!  Everything that DH and I have been through with our previous marriages did not have this full of spectrum!

Thanks!

[Kitty C.]

First off, I'm sorry to hear you and your family are going thru this, HLT.  I commend you for standing behind both your parents (but leaning towards Dad for obvious reasons).  What I'm concerned about, tho, is if you involve yourself with helping your father, do you think your mom will retaliate against you?

Personally, I'd try for sole custody and hopefully settle for 50/50, but then again, that might make your mom go for the throat on that and everything else.  It sounds like they won't be living too far apart, so there shouldn't be any reason why 50/50 wouldn't work.  One thing to keep in mind, tho.  Judges hardly EVER rule against a child's feet, if you catch my drift.  At her age if your sister wants to be with one parent or the other, there's not going to be a whole lot anyone can do to stop her.  She's too close to majority to sit on her too tight.

As for the alimony issues, I'd first be checking your state laws, as some states allow for alimony only for half the length of the marriage.  In your parents' case, 15+ years.  There very well could be other guidelines, especially in regards to property settlement.

[hisliltulip]

"What I'm concerned about, tho, is if you involve yourself with helping your father, do you think your mom will retaliate against you?"

Ummm, not planning on telling her, and I know I can trust Dad to not say anything about where he got the information.  Plus, if she did find out and tried to retaliate, there isn't a whole lot she can do.  I'm about 1500 miles away.

Yes, I do tend to lean towards Dad.  It's pretty much a story of PAS back firing.  I love Mom, but I don't agree with how she parents or approaches a marriage.  (Hence, one of the major reasons WHY I moved this far away.)

I would hate to see Dad having to pay alimony for 15+ years.  I'm hoping she settles for half of everything as there is enough to live comfortably for each of them.

In regards to custody, if he requests sole, she is planning on fighting him.  I do think that they can reach an agreement of 50/50 as this is what my sister wants.  (Actually, she'd like to move in with us, so as not have to deal with the issue, but Dad and Mom are pretty against it ;-)  ).

Thanks for your help!

[Kitty C.]

If she's got so little left of HS, she needs to stay there, definitely.  But like I said, when it really comes down to it (and if they live in close proximity to each other), there's little either of them can do if your sis wants to be with either parent at any given time.  

I'd be hoping for the split in property, too.

There IS something to be said for distance..isn't there??  :-)